Saturday, January 05, 2008
I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar I (rapid cycling). I've been to thousands of doctors who diagnosed me with an array of different disorders. Depression, psychosis, anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and some that said there was nothing wrong with me at all. I knew better. After all I have two siblings, a parent, and a great grand parent who all suffer from the disease. Anyways, they put me on Lithium and said the odds of being put on other medications to help me cope were very great. I can barely remember to take my vitamins, which are now my life line due to a gastric bypass surgery 4 months ago. Since the surgery my life has been turned upside down. I've lost massive amounts of weight, and as wonderful as that is for my health, my brain can't handle it. Things are so messed up right now. My boyfriend of 7 months also suffers from Bipolar but he has been on treatment for a few years and is doing great, but I really don't feel as if he understands me and what I'm dealing with. It's hard to create a routine for myself. Right now my routine is wake up, make bed, take pills, and shower. It doesn't seem like much, but it's a battle every morning. My irritation level has been through the roof the past two and a half weeks. I get frustrated with the smallest thing and just lash out at whoever is around, someone who loves me because I know they will forgive me for my crude behavor. EVERYTHING irritates me! The way my clothes feel against my skin, if my hair is out of place, if my sock is bunched in my shoe, the way my boyfriends mom suggests I cut a sandwich for my 3 year old. Stupid little things **** me off to no end and I'm usually in a foul mood the rest of the day. Anyways, I think if I found a way to combat the irritation I'd be much happier and so would the people I love. It breaks my heart to know that I'm hurting them. My boyfriend has just about had enough of it and I'm afraid I might lose him over this whole mess. I always promise I'll be better but I have no idea how to be better. The words,"I'm sorry", have no meaning to the people in my life anymore. Things seem to be going downhill fast. I hope I can get all this squared away before I go back to nursing school in Feb. At least a slight improvement so I can function and treat people respectfully would be great.
We have been dealing with this diagnosis since October 9th and we're just now about to get the meds right.
You're going to have to practice the self-control you have. You can't treat people like that. If you have to remove yourself from the situation to keep from blowing up over something dumb, then you need to do it. I have a horrible temper but I don't allow myself to fight with people because I know I will go to far. So I go to my room. I take a bath or listen to music or do something else to keep from yelling horrible things at people I love. I particularly had to learn self control when dealing with my son because if he's out of control, he really will not respond well to someone yelling at him. In doing this, I'm also teaching him self-control.
It will take a few months to get your meds right. You will need to take them as your doctor prescribes them because this will make you feel better and function better.
Get a good therapist to talk to as you go through the stabilization process. If you need a break, take one. Get plenty of sleep, eat well, and exercise.
Hang in there kiddo you'll be fine if you don't give up.