Hey Lex,  I am exactly like you so I know how you feel .... frustrated, confused and scared.  Eric is right - keep talking about it to your doctor, your family, your friends and to us ... we REALLY do understand.  It takes so much time to move through the stages.  Be patient and don't beat yourself up.  You've already made the effort to get to that better place by just reaching out.  You will feel better.  I know, it doesn't feel like you'll ever beat those freakin throughts back into submission but one day you'll realize that you control them rather than the other way around. 

I waw officially diagnosed with BP2 one year ago when I was 19 ... following a suicide attempt.  My Mom got me into an intensive out-patient program.  My dr. put me on lamictal and abilify which are mood stabilizers.  In Feb. I made another (more serious) attempt to end my life and the dr. added prozac, an antidepressant to the mix.  OMG, that made all the difference!  I still get emotional, (hey, I'm a girl!!) but with the meds and the coping skills I've learned, I am able to finally deal with what life throws at me - the good, the bad and the ugly.  In my life, managing my meds is #1 priority followed by going to weekly therapy, staying busy and taking care of myself. 

Hang in there.  Like my Mom always tells me, "There is light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a freight train coming to run you over!"  Keep posting ..... it'll help you and it'll let us us know how you're doing.

Lex

7/17/08 11:56am

Thanks Rosebud that really helps.  I almost killed myself a week or so ago and then decided to tell the people at my support group and they all kinda freaked out.  It's nice to have people like you and Eric not freaking out just giving support.  So thanks!

Rosebud

7/17/08 1:41pm

 Scary, isn't it ... when you're not in control of your mind ... when coping with your problems is so over whelming that you actually think death is a better alternative.  When I was in that suicidal stage (oh yeah, been there done that 3 times in one year), people told me that things would get better and I wondered when? how?  What if they don't?  But I am here to tell you, Lex that with the right meds and support, your outlook on your life will  improve.  That's not to say that you life (itself) will get better.  You may have to win the lottery for that to happen.  But trust me, if you hang in there and get through this rough patch, color will actually return to your world.   Oh, and those people that freaked out when you confided in them about your thoughts .... hopefully, it was just cause they care.   I experienced the same thing when I told some friends.  Then I felt like an idiot which only made me more upset.  My Mom was the only one who did over react.  She simply leaned over the bed in the emergency room and said that if I ever tried to commit suicide again, she'd kill me!!  Hang in there and take care of yourself ... eat well, try to get some sleep and call your doctor.  We're keeping you in our thoughts and sending you positive vibes from out here in cyberspace.