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This is a flower in my garden last summer.... oh, how I miss summer...

I feel like I did before I got diagnosed with BPD; depressed, nervous, can't seem to "get over" my thoughts, envy people brave enough to try suicide - I never would because of my kids and husband and my mom...but sometimes I wish I could, I feel 'keyed up' all of the time, but at the same time I'm down, I only feel happy and 'up' around other delightful 'up' people, at home alone I'm despairing, I can't seem to find the good things in myself and I dwell on the bad things and my poor health, I'm dizzy and physically unbalanced with double vision sometimes, I forget things that I have already learned - over and over, I have to write everything down or I forget simple things, I am so down on myself for never having a progressive career and being able to support myself (my longest job was just over 3 years with almost 7 months in personal leave time); I haven't felt right in the head for a very long time.

I felt a bit better being on psyc meds for a little while, but they don't seem to be working for me anymore.

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One of the biggest things for me is the not being able to maintain a career of my own, that I can be proud of. I'm embarrased when people ask,"So, what do YOU do?", like everyone is supposed to be DOING something. I talk about past jobs that I loved. I was not able to keep working them. It's heartbreaking to find work you love and not be able to do it because your head is f***ed up.

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NO wonder BP's have the highest suicide rate of all mental illness. A lifetime of this is very hard. I'm having a very hard time. It is difficult to explain to my husband just what is going on in my head, and I know he must think that part of me is a mystery, since he's as normal as they come.

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I never feel good. I eat one small meal and I feel like I ate a horse, and I cannot lose weight no matter how I try. I've never had a problem in the past with losing weight.

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Basically, I just feel down in the up dumps.

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What do other BP's do to get through life?