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This is a flower in my garden last summer.... oh, how I miss summer...
I feel like I did before I got diagnosed with BPD; depressed, nervous, can't seem to "get over" my thoughts, envy people brave enough to try suicide - I never would because of my kids and husband and my mom...but sometimes I wish I could, I feel 'keyed up' all of the time, but at the same time I'm down, I only feel happy and 'up' around other delightful 'up' people, at home alone I'm despairing, I can't seem to find the good things in myself and I dwell on the bad things and my poor health, I'm dizzy and physically unbalanced with double vision sometimes, I forget things that I have already learned - over and over, I have to write everything down or I forget simple things, I am so down on myself for never having a progressive career and being able to support myself (my longest job was just over 3 years with almost 7 months in personal leave time); I haven't felt right in the head for a very long time.
I felt a bit better being on psyc meds for a little while, but they don't seem to be working for me anymore.
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One of the biggest things for me is the not being able to maintain a career of my own, that I can be proud of. I'm embarrased when people ask,"So, what do YOU do?", like everyone is supposed to be DOING something. I talk about past jobs that I loved. I was not able to keep working them. It's heartbreaking to find work you love and not be able to do it because your head is f***ed up.
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NO wonder BP's have the highest suicide rate of all mental illness. A lifetime of this is very hard. I'm having a very hard time. It is difficult to explain to my husband just what is going on in my head, and I know he must think that part of me is a mystery, since he's as normal as they come.
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I never feel good. I eat one small meal and I feel like I ate a horse, and I cannot lose weight no matter how I try. I've never had a problem in the past with losing weight.
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Basically, I just feel down in the up dumps.
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What do other BP's do to get through life?
Its so easy to label your self when your so bored, its like you or we can focus on the bad things and label ourselves easily for example, sad,paranoid,cant do anything rite,cant hold a job for crap, dont want to talk to anyone, whos following me, i feel sick, i cant sleep,i hate driving, i dont wana eat, my bones hurt... and the more you think and worry the worse it gets. Obviously the depression sets in and its like a plague, it will hit me for like 2 weeks, i look at what started it, sometimes its the on set of doing something wrong like not taking my meds or not being on the proper dose, I still think being boared is the main culprit. Yes, sitting at home doing nothing and not being active in some way is like the worst thing anyone who suffers from manic depression can do. You gotta find something to do, period. Get back to working even if its a low paying factory job or office desk its something and it will help. If theirs no way to work you gotta find a hobby, even if its community service or donating your time. I dont how how a stay home mom who suffers from bp ever gets well.
I also remember youve had a tough time with abilify, i hope your starting something else soon.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I don't know how us stay at home moms ever recover. You are right about getting out to do something. My psychiatrist even said the same thing. With my herniated disk pain, though, it is very difficult. I never know how much pain I will be in when I wake up. Some days I use my friend, the cane... and other days I don't need it.
I will be going to aquatic PT twice a week and that is something to look forward to.
Also, have Dr. appt soon. Will discuss new meds.
Thanks for always writing and for your good advice.
kodyD
Wonderful comments but here are some more thoughts on the subject:
It doesn't take being bored to feel sad, paranoid, can't do anything right, can't hold job for crap, don't want to talk to anyone, who's following me, I hate driving, etc.
I work .. I am never bored and feel them all whether medicated or not. In fact working makes everything worse for me.
You can focus on the bad things while you are sitting at your wretched desk at work and you can have racing thoughts on the freeway while trying to get there with your hair soaking wet because you got no sleep the night before looking tore down walking in the door at work while all your co-workers are looking at you like your crazy as hell.
I am speaking for myself of course. Anyway, it is a nice thought to try and work and if you want to do it go for it. But why push added stress when you don't need it. Go for a hobby. Hobbies rock and work sucks.
well yeah i agree, i guess im just saying staying busy somehow helps, if your sitting at a desk job that can be pretty lame.