Winter is almost here. Sure feels like it here in Seattle.
My question is this: Are many woman with BPD abused by their non-BP partners? Are the statistics of abuse higher for BPD women, than women without mental illness?
I know that long term abuse leads to mental illness, and I was abused by my ex-husband for 11 years. Even though we've been divorced for almost nine years, he still knows how to get to me. I avoid talking to him as much as possible, because he is still abusive - in his sick passive-agressive ways.
As far as I know, my current husband is not BP, but he does have some very strange and symptomatic ways of dealing with stressors. Money is a HUGE trigger with him. When he got tired of looking at the bills this morning, he yelled at me that this is our last Xmas, unless I get a job and pay for all of Xmas, next year. He knows that I am disabled and cannot work. So, saying something like that in such a harsh and loud tone is (to me) abusive. It makes me feel worthless and like I am a HUGE burden to him.
THEN, he gathered a few things and left the house, without saying a word - not where he was going, when he would be back, NOTHING.
Yelling at me about something I cannot control, and then leaving me wondering where he went feels very abusive to me. I want to cry, but I just can't.
He does this so often now that it is ruining the intimacy in our marriage.
I cannot feel close to a man who resents me for not being able to work and pay MY bills. He's always resented paying my bills. I thought married people helped each other as much as they can, I didn't think it was a HIS and HERS arrangement, like room mates have.
In the first couple of years of our relationship, if he would act like this, he would apologize sincerely for his behavior. Now, he never apologizes.
This morning I was just sitting on the couch with an icepack on my back when he lit into me. I didn't say a word because I am afraid of his temper. I don't fight back because I'm never heard or acknowledged. ... Or if I am, it is because of something inflamitory that I said and he picks on that.
I am not allowed to say anything or fight back for my dignity. And that fact that he just walks out without a word..... well, it makes me feel worthless, unloved, unimportant, and most of all I feel like a big giant festering resentment.
He has said in the past that he thinks he wants a divorce... and then he acts all nice and lovey-dovey and never says a word about what hurtful things he says.
I'm spinning, confused, hurt, depressed, I feel worthless, resented, like a big burden. I cannot carry my own weight and therefore I am a mooch.... Mooching off of the man who is SUPPOSED to take care of me. That is what marriage is, right?
I don't know what to do. I have no money to leave him, but I don't see this getting any better. It has been years of this shit and it is getting worse.
Here is my 2 cents and it is probably all it's worth
Your husband liting into you and saying hurtful things to you wasn't pleasant and nor should he have done it. You didn't deserve that.
He being frustrated and stressed out over the mounting bills and how he is going to pay them... especially if you are contributing to those mounting bills... may set him off. Does this mean he should rip you a new one? No. It means he may be very stressed out and frustrated over finances.
When one is stressed over money matters, they do not typically look at what they themselves purchase. If they are the sole person bringing in the money and paying the bills then typically they justify their purchases as being their right to do. They then look at their spouse, who may be sitting there day after day, not working, not bringing in any money, and the spouse runs around spending "their" money and they get upset when the bills come in. It is, unfortunately, human nature.
Regardless of the reason why you are there, without income cause I'm taking it you do not receive an actual disability check from the government or an insurance company cause you would have said... you husband is resenting you for spending his money and he having to pay for it. With the economy in as bad a shape as it is these days.. everyone has fewer dollars to spend and even fewer to save.
No, it isn't his job to solely "take care of you". It is the both of your jobs to take care of one another. If you are going out and spending the money on unnecessary gifts, unnecessary clothes for yourself, etc.. and you know really what is unnecessary.. then perhaps telling him that you will "budget" yourself might help and then show him that you are sticking to it. This shows some responsibility for yourself and perhaps will show him that you want to assist him by relieving some of his stressors.
Now if you are receiving a disability check from someplace, and it is going into the financial pot. You do have some flexibility to say where it goes and to whom but, if he is the one who pays the bills with it... you still have him to go through.
Course, none of this may apply to your situation at all and he may just be an ass getting off trying to browbeat you. Who knows? It was just my way of showing you that there could be a different version to your "picture".
No, he verbally ripping you wasn't necessary for he knows you are in a vulnerable place mentally and emotionally and therefore he knew he could do damage. That shouldn't have been done. Unfortunately, no one can hurt us but those who know us all too well.
Only my 2 cents
Only those who know us can hurt us- you are very right about that.
I keep my spending to a absolute minimum so that I don't contribute to the mess of bills piling up. The major expence is my med ins. and medical costs.
I'm even trying to make some money by selling my paintings and artwork and couture designs, but am not able to sell much. People seem to really love my work, but no one wants to pay. Reminds me of when I was a doula (pro childbirth coach and much more...) No one had the money to pay for my services and wanted me to work for free. I would do volunteer childbirth assistance, but after a while it was costing me too much to keep going. I had to quit my beloved job because doulas just don't make any real money.
I do understand his frustrations, but it really gives him no right to shit on my head because he's frustrated. Talking would be better.
He knows my fragile mental state and does it anyway, which really sends me over the edge of depression with feelings of worthlessness. Then, he acts all nice.
I dont know why he thinks he has the right to treat me that way. I'm so sad about it.
Now, most of the time, he's ok and kind. But he has those days where he is in a rage and I wonder if he could be having mental issues as well.
Even when I was working and bringing in money, he still acted this way. Nothing I do is good enough.
Thanks for your responce!!!