Dreading Xmas Eve

Xmas Eve is the anniversary of my father's death. I dread it every year. I wish I didn't.

I'm all ready for xmas, but am dealing with grief. I hate the meds I am on, but Dr. insists that they will 'eventually' do some good for me.

Am also in physical pain with a bad back - need a disk replacement at L5/S1.

HOw can I enjoy the life that is being stolen from me through BP pain and physical pain? I'd rather be in physical pain than mental pain.

My sex life is nil, I no longer enjoy it due to the meds I am on for BPD.

I cannot kill myself because I have a family. I don't know how to keep on going everyday.... and everynight....

Any Advice?