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Not a lot of snow, but we did eventually get a foot of the stuff. Lasted for two weeks!
My husband is becoming frustrated with me. Not only is it because of my BP, it is because I need a back surgery, for the second time. I should be scheduled for surgery by March/April. A herniated disk is compressing my sciatic nerve and my leg is so weak and painful that I'm now using a cane to walk. It is hard to do chores around the house and help out. I feel really bad about that. It's makes me feel worthless. I'm also not working.
Last night husband said that if I need yet another surgery he'd divorce me. I'm really hurt because I can't help what is happening to me, as far as the back problem. I'm doing everything I can to take care of myself; taking my meds as prescribed; going to physical therapy as prescribed, but that doesn't seem to matter.
He also started bitching about my kids, and that really hurt too. They are good well-behaved children.
Things could be a lot worse but he only seems to look at his side of things, and is a negative person, sometimes.
I'm very hurt about the comments he made.
He did apologize, but I can't forget what he said. Now I am terrified of getting sick (again) or worse. I don't know how to handle this and I can feel myself falling back into a depression state as I write this.
Any advise would be appreciated. Thank you.
~Cathy
I really don't know much to say that will help.
Sometimes when someone deals with prolonged illness that they don't quite understand, and having multiple situations occur that compounds the "problem" they view, they tend to lash out in very negative ways as a manner in which to deflect what is truly going on inside.
Your husband has been very negative and very insensitive to you who is very vulnerable at this moment. It's very hard not to personnally be injured by his comments and I would be also (have been by mine over the years). Yet, sometimes... we have to look outside of us and try to put ourselves in their shoes for just a moment
If you were the one working, struggling day after day to keep things together (home, car, groceries, etc...), come home to a spouse who is out of work due to a prolonged illness that requires meds upon meds, doc appointments, and therapy and doesn't seem to ever be getting better - that anything said or inferred is taken wrong and causes an outburst of some type - in your eyes doesn't seem to be able to handle even simple tasks - and then on top of that has now more medical issues that require surgery, meds, appointments, inability to take care of things at home, and above all... the money all this is costing and it doesn't seem to be getting better ---- you'd probably be frustrated, exasperated, agitated, irritated, depressed, and say hurtful things that you'd later try to retract.
When one feels that they are carrying the burden of the load and looks and perceives the other as not being who they married and not pulling their share of the load - however irrational or unreasonable this may be - it causes the one to start nitpicking, being abusive and derogeratory, and nagging. It's not that they really, deep down, feel this way - it's the circumstances they have found themselves in that they can't handle and cope with.
I'm not saying that you have anything to be or feel guilty for BECAUSE YOU DON'T.
You are taking your meds, going to your appointments, doing what is required of you to maintain your health as it is and perhaps to improve it. Yet... in his exasperation and frustration... he isn't "seeing" it nor any improvement cause it isn't what it was once. That too, isn't your fault or your problem. It's his!
It isn't your fault about the Bipolar and It isn't your fault about the herniated disc. He was wrong, very wrong to threaten divorce if you become further ill or need further treatment for something - VERY WRONG. Yet, sometimes.... like I've been doing recently, when we step back from the situation a moment and look at it - thanks to intensive therapy - you can kinda try to put yourself in the other's shoes and sorta maybe see where it comes from.
Have the 2 of you ever considered marriage therapy?
Course, if he truly deep down is an ignorant abusive jackass... well... you need to talk with your tdoc
Thank you Tabby, for your great reply. I really appreciate your compassion and the fact that you gave me something to look at from his point of view. It does really help, and I am grateful to you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
He did apologize, but not for what he said. He said, "I'm sorry", and he is most likely beating himself up for it all day today.
It was the threat of leaving me that really hurt.
I helped him through a surgery (last Sept.) WHILE I was suffering in pain from my disk and he doesn't really seem to appreciate all I did for him, now. HE did THEN, but seems to have forgotten everything I did for him, while it was his turn to be sick. And he certainly needed more assistance than I would ever require from him for my surgery.
<shaking my head>
Sometimes I wish I would just die, and then I wouldn't be his problem anymore.
Thanks again. You helped!
~Cathy
you are not HIS problem
IT is his problem
your reply comes across as to me, at the moment, as possibly sarcastic & my reply to you wasn't meant with ill intention. If your reply wasn't meant as such, then I apologize. It is how I have received it.
you are depressed and being in a depressive state puts the emotions on the edge, all raw and searing. When something is said or perceived to have been meant - the emotions seize up and respond. Usually, by taking the comments personnally and re-affirming what the disorder is doing to their thoughts in twisting their thinking even moreso.
you really need to talk with your tdoc and you need to talk with the pdoc
I'm sorry that you are facing yet another surgery and I'm sorry your husband isn't as affectionate, nurturing, and sensitive to you as you are needing at the moment. Often times, those around us do fail us at giving us what we need most.
That is why, we have to have what we need most already in us. This comes from talking it out and getting support from friends, family, tdoc, and pdoc who want to build up and strengthen that which is within you to care for you when you need it most.
The concern you posted is HIS problem. YOU aren't the problem.
Hi Tabby!
Thanks for responding again. NO, I didn't mean anything to sound sarcstic at all. I'm so sorry if it sounded that way, I certainly didn't mean to hurt any feelings.
Thanks for what you said about 'IT is the problem', not me. It feels like it is me, but I know that it is not - just like you said. It is hard to be down so far and then have him crap on my head, and push me further down. But I am trying to keep busy, and I am trying not to dwell too much on it. Trying....
Anyway, thanks again for writing back and for your kind words.
~Cathy