About every three months my husband goes on a rampage and says very hurtful things. This morning before he went to work he was at it again. I'm so used to it that it doesn't even make me cry anymore, but it does hurt me and make me feel very insecure.

I certainly don't need this now, especially since I am having my back surgery in 9 days and will be layed up for a while. My back and left leg pain are so terrible that it makes living hard, every day.

He's upset because I was turned down for SS disability again. I told him that it is part of the process, that they turn everyone down at least twice and this is the second time. He's pissed about that, and he said that I'd have to find a job. I can't work with this mind of mine. I go crazy and can't remember how to do simple things like run a cash register. He doesn't understand.

He also said that my daughter would have to move out of the house because he is sick of her living here and not paying rent. She's hardly ever here! She's only here one day a week and the rest of the time she is at her boyfriend's house. She's trying to pay her bills that she accumulated when she was living on her own and has bad credit because a room mate moved out and left her in the lurch last year. Her father is abusive and she won't live with him. It makes me happy when she is here, but HE doesn't care. He only cares about himself and he is so selfish sometimes.

Last time he was like this he said that if I needed another back surgery that he'd divorce me.

I know he gets frustrated, but this is unfair. I hate him right now. Last week he was kind and loving and this week he is an a***ole. I don't understand how he can change so quickly from one to the other. I never know what is coming through the door when he gets home from work. Most of the time he is ok, but when he gets like this, his mouth flys of it's own accord. And he doesn't seem to even care that it hurts me. He doesn't understand that I am mentally ill and that I have been for a long time. Just because I take meds doesn't make me "out of the woods", I still have ideations about suicide and wish sometimes that I could just check out.

I feel so insecure and unhappy. Sometimes I just don't see the point of going on if life is just going to keep being so disappointing and difficult and full of pain. When am I going to get a break? I don't yell at him and make him feel like a pile of crap, because I know that I would regret it and that I could never take it back.

I'm supposed to do our taxes today, but I can't because I don't have our last years taxes. Last summer I went really crazy after he did this to me yet again. I was suicidal and I burned important papers, including I think, our taxes from 2007, which I now need. I called the IRS and they are sending the taxes to me, which means that I have to wait 5 days to get them. SO I can't do our taxes today and he is going to be pissed about that. I don't even want to be here.