My session with my therapist was full of me being able to REALLY talk to him about my self injury and him giving me some extrememly valuable words to think about. January 9, 2009, I "went off the deep end" and ended up in the mental health hospital for two weeks. I had extensive therapy and over the year was kind of trying to get on track - probably by trying to forget the whole experience.
Last september, after summer break and a lot of family crises (including my father dying), I went back to work and felt myself getting more and more stressed. I started taking more and more Klonopin during the day, and yes, began to injure myself (physically and emotionally)....October 12, I made a choice that ended me up in the emergency and back to the mental health facility for 12 days.
I guess what my therapist is trying to remind me is to look at how far I have come in my quest for good mental health. In January I had no clue what was going on and how it sent me to the hospital - the stress just continued to build, and I tried to live "normally". In October, I saw the stress build, recognized what was beginning to happen, stayed in close contact with therapist and doc, but I couldn't stop the freight train from barreling over me. What I see now is that yes, similar patterns are there, but I am USING the things I have learned to keep me from going to that point again. Am I berating mySelf for everythinng? Yes and no....I try and add positives to negatives. Am I harming self? Yes, I have recently done that, but I am desperately trying to get a better understanding and being reminded of ways that started to help me stop this pattern in the past.
Am I scared that I am in the midst of another "episode"? Yes, I am scared as sh&t!!!! But even when I had a horrible night two nights ago, and a horrible night 2 weeks ago - Ihave to remind mySelf that those bad nights would have already sent me to the hospital...I am trying to get over the worst of it. I'm scared I haven't reached the Peak of my "episode", but I have to continue to try.....
I am reminded that recovery, no matter what kind, takes TIME and WORK!!! And, there are always "slips or relapses" in ANY kind of recovery. We are all taking baby steps in our recovery...but eventually that baby that is crawling along will figure it out, and will be up and walking...
My hope is that anyone suffering with a condition they are trying to recover from will at last be able to look back and see when they were crawling and be proud of themselves that they made the journey to learn how to walk.....I'm not there yet.....I hope I'll get there.
Jenny my recently new found friend. As you know I have just gone through a very difficult relapse myself. I was getting to the point that I was considering signing my own self into the hospital. I felt that overwhelming feeling that it was over for me, that I was doomed to live this life with so many struggles. I had alot of support from the people around me and from my doctor. I prayed harder than I have in ages. I to started to use some management tools that I have learned in the past. I slowly came out of my funk (for lack of a better word). I can see the light and you will to. I know that when we are in the middle of our episodes that we can't see the light, but it is there. All you have to reach out, though it might be a struggle, and grab hold. It is NEVER easy, it is possible though. We are strong people and we have to be to manage this illness on a daily basis.
I know that you can do this. Just remember not to be ashamed of what you are feeling or experiencing. Unfortunately we all have things that habits that can be embarrassing when dealing with this illness. I personally have to fight to take care of my hygiene when I am going through a bad time. That is REALLY embarrassing, but it is just the truth. It gets better though.
Take care of yourself!
Your friend, Lori