This week has by far been the worst week of my life...... some may have read my last share post about i needed help to save my relationship and myself......
my girlfriend didnt budge.. shes stuck to her guns saying that we would never work because of the way i am.... im heart broken because i love her so much but she just obviously doesnt want me any more because im mentaly ill......
several days ago she come and spoke to me about things, how we could make it work and it built my hopes up, i promised that i would make things better for her and that id get regular help from doctors, and she went along with it, listetning to what i had to say and the conversation was left as "i just need a little time to think Ash, i just need more time" I slept easy that night knowing that things can only get better now....
But the following day she told me that it was definatly over and that i cant do anything about my illness!!!! i was obviously destrought and tryed everything i could to reason with her but her responce was "Your spoken promises just arnt enough"
That was last week, and i still cant get over it... she doesnt want anything to do with me anymore.... and i was with her for way over a year and she appeared to be happy, we had our ups and downs but got through them together!
This is all my fault and that feeling has been building up for ages.....
I know that people have mixed feelings on people who selfharm... but i am a GENUINE selfharmer... i think its wrong and sick to do it for attention!!!
Last night i went out with my smokes and a stanley knife, i sat down, started talking to myself (another big issue, ive had a voice in my head for as long as i remember, it doesnt tell me what to do but more pushes me in that direction) i started burning my arm and chest (heart area surprise surprise) with my cigerettes and then i started cutting the top of my arm, at the same time im crying, being angry and im talking out loud what my voice is saying to justify what im doing, i got to my wrist and felt a way ive never felt when ive hurt myself.... i felt like i didnt deserve life and all the pain you feel in it, i didnt want to be there anymore, so heated up my blade to make sure i did it proper and cut as deep as i could.....
i sat there and the releaf in like nothing ive ever felt before... and then the voice stopped and i was just sat there with my cigerette, arm covered in blood and i didnt know what to do..... i know it sounds really stupid but the frame of mind just went!!!
i sat there for about 10 minutes then i decided an ambulance would be the best thing at that moment, so i called and went to hospital etc etc.
when i cut my wrist i had split it open but not cut any arteries or veins etc, id just cut through fatty tissue, i had 4 stitches, the other cuts cleaned and the burns treated.
i had conversation after conversation with mental illness doctors and theyve decided that admision to hospital will do me more worse than good, so im being treated at home.....
