Mental Pain

just went biking after approx 3 days of sleep deprivation (aka hallucination time), no helmet, cute outfit, basket, smoking a cig, and thought coyotes were chasing me...to boot..the street lighting and pothole situation needs to be addressed for us danger bicicyclers.....there was definate cause for a BWI..i was swerving all over...avoid all drowsy inducing meds before 9pm cycling..no pun intended....

Now seriously, you just made my night and so did the fact that i went to my moms..no bloodshed... hung with my child and left on the bike in pitch black...but just to appease her after denouncing our relation yesterday...i told her i read the "Borderline Personality" book she gave me...I would say approx every 3 weeks i have a new diagnosis from mommie dearest ...so far....(breath), hypochondria, ADHD, panic disorder, Bi polar, Borderline Personality, PMDD, PTSD,,,,oh i must be leaving something out....like MDAFM..aka "Mental Disorders Aquired From Mother"...there's no antivirals for that... Look...maybe you do need inpatient care if you are a danger to yourself...but unless you've never been there....its one scary place... if you need to talk I'll give my number...I'm usually up um....forever...so if I can help someone that will ultimate help me feel better....mucch gratitude for you empathy and true honesty...its a must up in the piece or why even bother...if someone judges...they dont belong with the rest of us "special" angels (or devils..depending on mood lol)  Have wonderful n ight...I'm here for you too and for anybody for that matter!!!! XOXXO

I just read your comment more thoroughly...the "trainlightindeed" sparked something I read....  For people suffering with BP , specifically major depressive episodes, a poet Robert Lowell once said "If we see a light at the end of a tunnel its the lights of an oncoming train".  Couldn't be more true.  Since we both don't have great support networks its nice to relate to a fellow sufferer.  As they say in AA "normies"  don't understand that Depression goes beyond sadness.  It erodes our insides and deepens our distorted thoughts so that ultimately the outcome is to poison our self attitude, increases hopelessess to a crippling degree,  creates despairity and basically causes spiritual deadness . To just touch base one more time on being alone:  The sense of aloneness and abandonment in a hostile world is nothing other than unbearable.  So for most of us we self medicate..however when we gain clarity and quit our only way to cope this is the prize we're left with "THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS BACK, and....THE BAD NEW IS YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS BACK".

My God I love your articulation of these matters. You have humor I can tell too...my God you dont know how silly I am just to get through the day er rather what seems so much as a bonafide :existence". I must tell you I am so excited though that I  have finally joined a group of Bipoles suh as I. Thank you for replying. Just messaging back and forth is so theraputic. Sure I cant see you..but I feel a bit better. Where in Ny are you? I justr left the Buffalo area last month..2 weeks ago. I have to admitt...I relapsed on drinking after 1 month shy of 7 years sobriety. I havent had more than 4 drinks at a time when I do drink..that is not excessively with consequences YET. Havent had a drink in 4 days.

I was in AA but felt ignored and alot of political bull shit was occuring with the fellowship.

Blah blah I know no excuses..perhaps not being on meds and really feeling dark..I though a drink would help. I havent beat myself up over it. I donbt have time for shame when I am trying to stay alive each day. Yeah the trainlight quote I got out of a book I read about  woman who suffers manic deppresion.  When I saw the quote my heart stopped. It was so absolutely dead on. I dont like being manic anymore. I have exhausted that "false wheel" by now. It is i guess a psychosis. The higher you go up, is exactly the level I will go down. I need to stay balanced. I'm up late listening to some R7b music. Singing and dancin here and there. I read once that is easier to deal with the disorder when I become involved in support and knowledge of it. I know I need to find a job..even thats questionable of course. Jobs are hard to find in this city. I want to move away and do Nanny work or something. Thsi disability is appreciated but I still have bills and would like to further myself. Am I gonna rota away in this town hose on the pc all day and do nothing? Thats my fate if nothing changes. I wish ihad a car..impossible in the budget these days. Dating would be nice but I wont be taking a hostage today.  I like how you said in your last post."I will be up for um...forever" That made me laugh.. I like humor. Ok so now I'm rattling on and on. Stay in touch and stay strong with me. ok??  oh yeah..one conversation wiuth my mom on the phone threw me in a panic attack. Thats how distant and non- understanding she is. She thinks I need to get over it and rot bymyself. Any success I aspire for she throws the bipolar at me. I dont understand that. It hurts me. Then again she is married to a loser that doesnt work and is negative to her.  I love her, but from afar. Thats ok ya know?

Stay in touch!!

Thank GOd there are "Bipolarcoasters" with senses of humor...sick humor...but its sorta a gift as i see you share as well..If yu need to talk let me know..u can call anytime..

My beautiful mountain bike with baby seat got robbed last night and my neighborhood is nice....oh well...can't let that get to me right???? I am very upset over me ruining a relationship because of the retarded problem i have :( ..gotta start calling around for psychiatrists now....pray!!