Hi everyone. Let me start by saying I've been a lurker of bipolar message boards since August. I have never joined or commented on one until now. I feel like I shouldn't because it's not "that" bad. I don't have your typical mania symptoms...so maybe I don't have it. Maybe it was just a one time bad decision (ok several times bad decision) while drinking. Solution: Stop drinking, see a therapist. Next thing I know I'm on Lamictal and feeling better than ever. Yay, I'm fixed. Maybe it was just the drinking. Until two weekends ago when all of sudden I felt like the world was my oyster and I could dance all night, flirt with anybody....you get the point. Then I had to come down...I felt it building, the anger that is. Soon I just snapped then cried on and off for two days because I had gotten angry, because I didn't see it coming, because...I wasn't "fixed." *Sigh* So now, back to the pdoc on Thursday. I was always very very moody, but never really remembered any manic type episodes...of course I drank a lot so who knows. I have also come to learn quite quickly that my mania is not so fun and productive. It's irritated, frustrated, "god what is wrong with you people"...not fun. My boyfriend is usually the target. God love him, he just waits it out. He won't argue with me...probably smart choice. 
I have one or two people pegged out at work that I can go and freak out in front of to keep from exploding on a coworker. I'm constantly telling myself I must have a very 'mild' form because of some of the horror stories I've heard. Maybe not. Truth is...I have no idea. Well that was way more than I had planned on writing,but it's better than nothing I guess.
Oh boy...can I relate to that statement...
After I was diagnosed, I took upon myself to read LOTS of resources, books, websites on bipolar. I came to realize and thank God that I'm 'not that bad' either...
BUT...I've also had to come to terms with the fact that I DO HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS!! That is a big kicker...and most of the stigma surrounding that term are stigmas that I put on myself. So I'm putting myself down for being who God created me to be. Isn't that just so sad.
As I've worked through all the emotions of the losses that are real or perceived because I have this disease, I've come to believe that bipolar, for me, is a blessing. I have to look at it that way to keep 'sane' in my head. If I dwell on all the negativity surrounding what it is, I get pulled deeper and deeper into the depression pit.
I have written down all of the positives about this disease. I concentrate on those. I find it easier to forgive myself when I know that it's just a part of who I was created to be. I am finding it easier to recognize the patterns and triggers for episodes. My family is finding it easier to deal with who I am too...we have a policy of complete honesty. I have to face myself when I'm being an ugly person. I have to determine how I'm going to be...what actions I'm going to take...and then when I've done all that I know I can to keep myself healthy and I still have times because I'm not in remission yet...IT'S OK!
I can forgive myself because I know that God forgives me. I know that my family forgives me. They know I'm doing the best that I know how at the moment. There are still times of hurt, remorse, anger, lots of sadness...because I am human. As a human being we all have those emotions.
Your boyfriend is a smart person. My husband has learned the hard way that there is no reasoning at times. He's learned to walk away and not make it worse. I've learned not to keep provoking to get some reaction. It's been a long process of learning communication in our marriage. We've been married for 27 years. It's such a joy to keep getting deeper and deeper into intimacy with him. Spiritual, emotional, soul touching itimacy...not sexual. There's always room for improvement.
Keep reading...keep posting....I've found this site to be extremely valuable in the 3 months that I've know about it. Thank you for sharing.
Good luck and God's blessings as you find out more about who and how you were created to be!
Shelly
Thanks for the post. I know what you mean about resources! I feel like I have done nothing but look things up and read books. I'm glad though. It really helps. My therapist and I have been doing a lot of good work and I'm finally able to realize (most times) that I'm angry because I'm not well, and that it will pass. I just try hard not to bother anyone else until I calm down. Although sometimes talking myself through anything is out the window. I really liked your comment about being closer with your husband. When I was first diagnosed I was scared...what if I got put on meds and got "better" and didn't love him anymore. I now realize that was completely rubbish, and every episode, every depression, every good day brings us closer together. The honesty is the hardest part for me. I'd been lying about my feelings since I was 9 years old. No one cared, and it was easier to act like I felt fine all the time. I now am completely honest with my boyfriend about everything...even the things I wish I didn't have to say. It's hard sometimes to tell him thoughts I've had. I've had problems in the past with sexual behavior. I now have it controlled down to just thoughts...and they occur rarely. When they do though, it sucks having to say it to his face. But he loves me just the same and really truly listens. I think he understands things better than I do half the time. I'm really glad this all came out when it did. We had been planning on doing the engagement/marriage thing right before all of the problems started. I'm glad we're working on them now, because I have a feeling all that added stress would have blown it sky high and I'm not sure he'd have been so willing to help. We've put if off for now. We want to concentrate on keeping things stable for now. I'm not in a rush though. He's put up with my craziness for 6 years now...and I know he will for many more. He is a saint...truly. I don't know that if the roles were reversed I'd have come back after all the hurt he recieved from me. I would have a hard time stomaching that and knowing that it would be a hard road for a long time to come. He's ok with it though...he told me before we got together that he wanted to make me happy. He said whether it's as a boyfriend, a friend, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to come sweep the pieces up every now and then I want you to be happy. I had no idea at the time that he would do all of those and more.