why why why????

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Butterfly1971

Wed, March 25, 2009

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Why is it that the person that doesn't have bp always has to cop it??? I am starting to run out of patients. Tonight hubby had a go at me saying I stuffed up his laptop only cause I changed things back to the way he wanted his messenger as he didn't like the new one. Here I am at 10.13pm still sitting here letting his laptop get updates. Whenever his laptop wants heaps of updates it's super slow and here is me getting the blame for it. I do so much for him and he never shows any appreciation, I am so tired of this. I don't know how much of this I can take. I am just so glad that he has gone to bed and is sound asleep. I was ready to scream hearing him go on and on and on and on.

What can I do to keep my sanity??????????????? I am about to loose it. I have had plenty of patients with him but now I am starting to become short tempered which I know will not help him.

Any advise is appreciated.

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knowthyself

3/25/09 1:45pm

Why does bp have to be the reason for his behavior or your response of having to cope with it? If he did not have bp, he could very well act the same or it could be somene else you are dealing with that results in your negative emotional reaction.

It seems that in either case you would have to learn to cope. Have you ever tried to understand what may be behind his reasons of being angry or frustrated or your own reasons for your emotional responses? Most of the time you will discover that an individual's reasoning is illogical or has errors, which results in their experience of anger or frustration. Correct the reasoning or cognitve process and you change the emotional response and the behavior. These are the principles behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). If you are having difficulty coping with your husbands behavior then maybe both of you would benifit from some counseling sessions with someone experienced with this technique.

tabby

3/25/09 2:17pm

knowthyself has a point

just because he has Bipolar doesn't mean "his Bipolar showed" in getting worked up over the fact he couldn't use his laptop due to the updates OR that you were trying to assist by downloading the updates

I have bipolar, I have no one updating my system but me... i get upset by the slowness of it and I curse the machine. The machine has nothing really to do with it. it's metal, plastic, and wires... it's just there and it's not working and I'm frustrated so, i curse at it. it's nothing personal to the machine, it's more ME than it.

Your husband being frustrated and spewing frustration at you... isn't uncommon for anyone - with or without Bipolar. Frustration is frustration is frustration.

It also isn't actually you personally though you are continuing to take it as such. It's hard, I know.. to keep hearing stuff and not eventually take things literally personally. Yet.. your anger and frustration in response to his frustration is also normal and you supposedly don't have Bipolar. Can you see what I'm saying?

It's not just because he has Bipolar. it's because he is human and you are human and the 2 of you are going through stress and stress comes out in unexplained, unpredictable ways that aren't always nice, pleasant, roses, and gooshy love.

knowthyself also had another good suggestion: check in with a counselor or therapist yourself. they can help you with understanding your husband's disorder, they can give you coping skills and advice to help not become so engrossed in his spewing and how to possibly deflect them in a positive manner so as to not further erode your emotional state.

Then, perhaps the 2 of you can have therapy together to figure how to live with this disorder in your lives, while having a life together because though it needn't "run" your life as you are allowing it to do... it is in there and has to be dealt with.

Butterfly1971

3/26/09 12:26am

I can tell you how I know it's the BP, he has been in a mixed state for a while now. Every day I have to put up with something different. I know my husband very well and I know that the kind of things he says to me atm he would never say normally. He thinks I am cheating on him, he says I don't give 2 s#%^& about him. He also says that I am useless etc. He knows that all that he says to me isn't true and he even told me that sometimes these voices tell him stuff like that and makes him believe that. He knows that I am a caring and devoted wife and I do a hell of a lot of running around for him. Most days I don't have time to scratch myself. Don't you think I should know my husband well enough to know when he has an episode and when he isn't???? If you call him starting to smash things last night not an episode when he normally wouldn't do that then I give up. As I said just a sec ago, I think I know when my husband is having an episode and when he isn't. I'm not the kind of person to just blame everything on the bp, when I know it's the bp then I know it's the bp.

tabby

3/26/09 12:18pm

so Butterflyer... if you know it's the BP talking... why did you take it and continue to take it so personnally to the point that if affects and effects you in such a manner that you respond in the manner that you do? If you know that you know that you know that you know... it's the illness... then it has literally nothing to do with you.

You, taking it on personnally is then you absorbing it and making it your own thereby you are allowing it to "run" your life. In allowing it to "run" your life, your emotions and feelings get all caught up in it and you then respond to it emotionally.

I know all this reads real simple but hon... you need to seek some therapy of your own, to learn how to not absorb what you know that you know that you know isn't him but is his illness, and how to protect yourself from taking on the blows that the illness conveys because otherwise... you will become collateral damage when it wasn't actually you in the first place.

Therapy will help you see the illness for what it is. It will teach you the triggering mechanisms that "you" have that triggers your emotional responses to it, and help you cope with the emotional stuff that comes from it.

just a thought.... yet, please don't forget that your husband is a "human" with the same tendancy to frustration, exasperation, and whatnot the same as you. Not every literal thing is the "Bipolar".

Eric

3/27/09 6:01am

If you know for a fact that it is the BP flaring up...tell him he needs to get into see his doctor and or therapist. If it is not his BP and it is a normal response it could very well backfire in that you have equated his real emotions with being BP.

Butterfly1971

3/27/09 6:16am

My husband last night told me that the medication isn't working. He wants me to tell his Dr about all the episodes he had. I told him that I will have to tell his Dr that he has been thinking alot about suecide. He didn't like that. I explained to him that his Dr can't treat him properly if he doesn't tell him everything. Then he mumbled something, I asked him what he said and he replied I Love You.

He feels bad the way he has been towards me, he said he knows that everything he has said to me isn't true, that I don't deserve to be put down like that.

This is something everyone has to realize. For people like me it is extremely hard. Some days my husband can't even remember saying stuff to me. He even denies saying it, saying that he would never say anything like that to me. Well everytime he has a go at me I tend to record most of it on my mobile phone. When he denies it I then play it back to him. He can't even believe how bad he can be.

People like me that are very strong minded do get worn down from this kind of behavior. I have hit rock bottom and I know that I have been depressed the past few days. I have my own health issues to deal with.

Most of the time when he starts going off I let him know that I am going to bed or I'm going to water the garden or whatever and I tend to leave him there on his own. I can usually still hear him but try to ignore it which works most of the time.

Since my hormones are all over the place atm it hasn't worked for me and yes I tend to take it personally but what do you expect with hormones going crazy.

Now this is going back to my original question, why is it that us the partner always cop it?

tabby

3/27/09 12:16pm

Okay... you want an answer to your question?

Because you choose to do so.

That's it.

Real simple.

Laci

3/27/09 4:14pm

I am new to this site but I understand where you are coming from. It is very hard being the support of someone with Bipolar. My partner is dual and drives me crazy at times. She tells me over and over to not take it personally but it is hard when the words coming out of there mouth at that moment is completly direct at you.

I just recently found this written by david Oliver and so far it has helpped me. I hope it will help you..

"Supporter Mirror Test"

It's like, before you start complaining
about your loved one's behavior,
you have to look at yourself in the
mirror and have to ask yourself,
"Have I done everything to help
my loved one?"

I mean, there's no one standing over
you judging your behavior - you
have to be your own judge, but
really, ask yourself if you could
pass the Supporter Mirror Test today.

Are you doing everything you can
to help your loved one?

Are you being kind and understanding
when they have their mood swings, or
are you just pushing them away, or
acting annoyed?

Because they'll see that as rejection,
and that's not good for someone who
has bipolar disorder- they really need
to feel your support and understanding.

Are you supportive and patient when
sometimes they get irritable and
they'll push you away, and that they
can't help that, that it's just part of
their disorder?

And the other things they do because of
their disorder, even if you don't like the
behaviors, do you still try to be supportive
of THEM as a person who can't help
themselves sometimes?

Are you doing everything you can to
help your loved one?

Ask yourself:

Can I pass the Supporter Mirror Test today?

NewBride

3/30/09 6:49pm

Unfortunatley Tabby is right. I had to leave my BP ex. The person I once knew so well changed so much and abused me. I am one of the strongest ppl I know, but there comes a point where you say, am I happy? Is this worth it? Is this ruining me?

BP is something you will deal with forever as his partner. It is something you BOTH will deal with on a daily basis. Yes, it affects us, probably in ways that our spouses or significant others will never know or come to understand. And yes it DOES affect us and we DO take it personally because it is our LOVED one saying these things, grabbing us, putting us down. But it is your choice. You can stay or leave. Good luck to you.

Dr Nick

8/ 3/09 1:55pm

Learn to live together without a LABEL. When we get stressed we all act a bit peculiarly .. that is natural. The brain moves between thoughtful mode and unthinking mode. You are getting stressed by the fact that you are BEING FORCED to help him. Why not DO THINGS TOGETHER ... and SHARE the burden. BUT do NOT blame HIM .. when you are as unwell but of course it is HIS fault because someone gave him an ILLNESS LABEL !

why why why????

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