I feel so normal.... then suddenly

Judith is Taking it day by day... Living With It diagnosed 18 years ago, Bipolar I Disorder. taking it day to day wife and mother of three teens. one has autism. I was diagnosed... Send Message Subscribe: Judith

Sunday, February 15, 2009
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It's back Or rather it never left. Yes, the meds just surpress it for a time. My bipolar is peeking above what my current meds can handle. After 18 years with bipolar I with psychotic features, I'm still tricked, and it's not getting better. Just the nature of the illness. I g...

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My living with Bipolar, at the moment...
tabby
Sunday, February 15, 2009 at 04:44 PM

You are not alone.

There are times that I have wrestled with whether the docs are right about the diagnosis. Maybe, I really do not have Bipolar.. maybe, it's really just depression recycling itself or stress manifesting or heck... just me.

As time wears on, I get more... depressed about the outlook of my illness. Oh yeah, I try (sincerely I do) to keep things proactive, upbeat, keep moving folks and "don't let the disorder beat you" type stuff but as much as I do that now... I realize more and more each day that;

I know of folks with Bipolar or other forms of mental illness, who have had their struggles for years. They do the "right things", they take the meds, they are very proactive in trying to manage their "illness and/or disorder" whatever it might be... and yet, they still have the illness and/or disorder. It doesn't go away, it just - over time - takes on a new mode of operation sometimes.

I don't know if it's because of all the meds that change the chemicals in the brain or the therapy or lack thereof... but what I have found, in getting to know large numbers of folks, is that these illnesses and/or disorders... have to be managed every single day by the one who struggles with them.

Every morning is a blessing and every morning is also a chore because every morning is another day. One isn't sure what they'll face due to their mind each morning (or the blasted meds) & sometimes, with a lot of us, that changes from hour to hour or moment to moment.

We still have our manic moments and we still have our depressive moments... they are still moreso than the "norm" population otherwise there wouldn't be Bipolar or mental illness, and yet... there they are and here we are.

We are fighters, we are survivors, and we fight the good fight to survive each day so that we are blessed the next morning to be alive. I have to keep thinking & keep believing that there is a purpose in there somewhere for me - and all the rest of my "peeps" - to have to keep fighting the good fight, to survive each day, so that I & they live to see the blessed next morning and be alive. This particular disorder takes so many lives needlessly.

Sorry... if this appears to be a downer of sorts... my spirits, at the moment, are just kinda spent out and low... I don't know what to say or how to help you at the moment... wish I did.

Just take comfort that you aren't alone, we are out here, & we do "get it" if not all of it.

re: My living with Bipolar, at the moment...
Judith
Monday, February 16, 2009 at 11:12 AM

Hi Tabby,

Thanks for breaking my "why me" bubble that stumbles along with me sometimes. And you are right. Needless and countless lives are lost. Though I believe that if we do not die as a result, our reclusiveness takes us out of life in a different way. I miss my family so much. Family members and friends that I've pushed away or scared away if you will.

My husband took me to the bookstore yesterday so I could buy "an unquiet mind" as i've read some exerpts from this book. I have a hard time with concentration, but I decided to give it a shot. lol Well they didn't have the book and will order it for me. But I did buy one that looks interesting. I looked on the back of it and it has John McManamy's picture on it. (the expert from this site) Having psychotic features and then coincedences like finding this site and his book within 24 hours of each other; often are humorous or embarassing depending on your prospective.

I cannot go to church due to those grand ideas and stories that begin to play in my mind. I don't watch TV, movies or Music videos at times for the same reasons. It gets embarassing or humorous depending on your prosective. Does anyone else stay away from those types of things?

I know drugs are not enough to keep me well, but except for a hospital 5 hours away, don't have a group to go to. The pdoc I see every 3 months is for med checks. Today I woke up (how to explain) um... ridiculously overwhelmed with grief again. Like I died inside.

Man, I'm glad I found this site, cause I'm really bad a journaling. Probably cause it doesn't talk back.

Judith

re: re: My living with Bipolar, at the moment...
julie
Friday, February 20, 2009 at 09:27 AM

I have recently married a bipolar man. He expressed some of the same thoughts you have regarding sympathy. I have just finished breast cancer treatments, and he went through much of this journey with me. He said he was baffled and hurt in a way, because I received so much attention in the way of cards, flowers, phone calls, and gifts. He said that no one has ever given him anything but grief for having bipolar disease. I guess that people do believe that you can control your mind, but not what happens to your body. I'm sorry that it is hard to get empathy when you so badly need it.

I wondered what you meant about watching music videos and going to church. Can you enlighten me, it may explain many things!

Thank you, Julie

re: re: re: My living with Bipolar, at the moment...
Judith
Friday, February 20, 2009 at 08:44 PM

Hi Julie, I'll try to explain further. I have "bipolar I disorder with psychotic features". I've had mania many times to the point of psychosis. I usually have some memories up to the point of where I have no control of my mind or even memory of what I'm doing or saying. Some of them scare me like I'm stuck in a horror film. Random things like the TV or radio gaining my attention at times like it/he/she is talking directly at me or I'm suppose to get a message from it.

The religious or church idea I mentioned is a very common link with Mania. Many of us have felt or found ourselves truly believing we are part of some kind of grand plan from God. The stories in our minds are believeable to us.

Definition of Grandiosity: "an exaggerated sense of one's importance, power, knowledge or identity. It often has religious overtones. The term "grandiosity" is used to describe the larger-than-life feelings of superiority often experienced by those in a manic episode."

I hope this helps you. Writing it down helps me, too.

Judith