I feel so normal.... then suddenly

Written by

Sun, February 15, 2009

It's back Or rather it never left. Yes, the meds just surpress it for a time. My bipolar is peeking above what my current meds can handle. After 18 years with bipolar I with psychotic features, I'm still tricked, and it's not getting better. Just the nature of the illness. I go through the, what if the doctor was wrong period.

Earlier, I was answering someone about memory loss caused by stress and realized that answering their question was very helpful to me, too. Especially since my pdoc said I could do this med adjustment at home instead of back in the hospital. My take on memory loss is that my thoughts go so fast at times that I'm not sure if I hear what they say or If I mesh some of their words with what I'm thinking. Does that make sense? I dream so vividly that I've also believed things have happened, that obviously have not and I carry those emotions from those dreams with me through the day. My family knows my moods quite well and of course we can clash like the titans. I should thank thank more often than I do. The guilt and shame can be overwhelming, but It's not our fault or theirs for lack of empathy. I know this... I know this...

What's the difference I ask you? If I had a heart attack and lashed out, would it be the meds / illness / afraid of dying / pain ? The "physical" impairment, is it more accepted and understood then mental impairment? Yes. Is it easier to let others help us when it's physical? Yes!! After 18 years, I still get this notion that I'm getting better as in healing my sickness. Then realization and depression follow. I thought I got to acceptance years ago. What a horrific mind job. I'm not looking for sympathy from others, but a way through the maze of Haze.

I have a son with moderate to severe Autism. His physical illness is not always understood by others but through tv adds and current news more are educated now. He's always been accepted by his classmates and is a happy 16 year old. Toward my episodes, he is not judgemental and comforts his Mom with hugs, smiles and a certain look of hope. I just wish everyone else could be as lucky to have a son like him. What a gift. I call him my Angel and he helps keep my head above water, so to speak.

Sorry to ramble, I've got the fog from new meds this week and just stumbled across this site. Thanks for listening. But, Please share some of your thoughts. One thing I do like about the hospital is it gives you that dose of you are not alone. I don't know why that is so comforting, because I don't want others to feel bad either.

Judith~

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tabby

2/15/09 4:44pm

You are not alone.

There are times that I have wrestled with whether the docs are right about the diagnosis. Maybe, I really do not have Bipolar.. maybe, it's really just depression recycling itself or stress manifesting or heck... just me.

As time wears on, I get more... depressed about the outlook of my illness. Oh yeah, I try (sincerely I do) to keep things proactive, upbeat, keep moving folks and "don't let the disorder beat you" type stuff but as much as I do that now... I realize more and more each day that;

I know of folks with Bipolar or other forms of mental illness, who have had their struggles for years. They do the "right things", they take the meds, they are very proactive in trying to manage their "illness and/or disorder" whatever it might be... and yet, they still have the illness and/or disorder. It doesn't go away, it just - over time - takes on a new mode of operation sometimes.

I don't know if it's because of all the meds that change the chemicals in the brain or the therapy or lack thereof... but what I have found, in getting to know large numbers of folks, is that these illnesses and/or disorders... have to be managed every single day by the one who struggles with them.

Every morning is a blessing and every morning is also a chore because every morning is another day. One isn't sure what they'll face due to their mind each morning (or the blasted meds) & sometimes, with a lot of us, that changes from hour to hour or moment to moment.

We still have our manic moments and we still have our depressive moments... they are still moreso than the "norm" population otherwise there wouldn't be Bipolar or mental illness, and yet... there they are and here we are.

We are fighters, we are survivors, and we fight the good fight to survive each day so that we are blessed the next morning to be alive. I have to keep thinking & keep believing that there is a purpose in there somewhere for me - and all the rest of my "peeps" - to have to keep fighting the good fight, to survive each day, so that I & they live to see the blessed next morning and be alive. This particular disorder takes so many lives needlessly.

Sorry... if this appears to be a downer of sorts... my spirits, at the moment, are just kinda spent out and low... I don't know what to say or how to help you at the moment... wish I did.

Just take comfort that you aren't alone, we are out here, & we do "get it" if not all of it.

Judith

2/16/09 11:12am

Hi Tabby,

Thanks for breaking my "why me" bubble that stumbles along with me sometimes. And you are right. Needless and countless lives are lost. Though I believe that if we do not die as a result, our reclusiveness takes us out of life in a different way. I miss my family so much. Family members and friends that I've pushed away or scared away if you will.

My husband took me to the bookstore yesterday so I could buy "an unquiet mind" as i've read some exerpts from this book. I have a hard time with concentration, but I decided to give it a shot. lol Well they didn't have the book and will order it for me. But I did buy one that looks interesting. I looked on the back of it and it has John McManamy's picture on it. (the expert from this site) Having psychotic features and then coincedences like finding this site and his book within 24 hours of each other; often are humorous or embarassing depending on your prospective.

I cannot go to church due to those grand ideas and stories that begin to play in my mind. I don't watch TV, movies or Music videos at times for the same reasons. It gets embarassing or humorous depending on your prosective. Does anyone else stay away from those types of things?

I know drugs are not enough to keep me well, but except for a hospital 5 hours away, don't have a group to go to. The pdoc I see every 3 months is for med checks. Today I woke up (how to explain) um... ridiculously overwhelmed with grief again. Like I died inside.

Man, I'm glad I found this site, cause I'm really bad a journaling. Probably cause it doesn't talk back.

Judith

julie

2/20/09 9:27am

I have recently married a bipolar man. He expressed some of the same thoughts you have regarding sympathy. I have just finished breast cancer treatments, and he went through much of this journey with me. He said he was baffled and hurt in a way, because I received so much attention in the way of cards, flowers, phone calls, and gifts. He said that no one has ever given him anything but grief for having bipolar disease. I guess that people do believe that you can control your mind, but not what happens to your body. I'm sorry that it is hard to get empathy when you so badly need it.

I wondered what you meant about watching music videos and going to church. Can you enlighten me, it may explain many things!

Thank you, Julie

Judith

2/20/09 8:44pm

Hi Julie, I'll try to explain further. I have "bipolar I disorder with psychotic features". I've had mania many times to the point of psychosis. I usually have some memories up to the point of where I have no control of my mind or even memory of what I'm doing or saying. Some of them scare me like I'm stuck in a horror film. Random things like the TV or radio gaining my attention at times like it/he/she is talking directly at me or I'm suppose to get a message from it.

The religious or church idea I mentioned is a very common link with Mania. Many of us have felt or found ourselves truly believing we are part of some kind of grand plan from God. The stories in our minds are believeable to us.

Definition of Grandiosity: "an exaggerated sense of one's importance, power, knowledge or identity. It often has religious overtones. The term "grandiosity" is used to describe the larger-than-life feelings of superiority often experienced by those in a manic episode."

I hope this helps you. Writing it down helps me, too.

Judith

I feel so normal.... then suddenly

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