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I feel so normal.... then suddenly

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I feel so normal.... then suddenly

Judith is Taking it day by day... Living With It diagnosed 18 years ago, Bipolar I Disorder. taking it day to day wife and mother of three teens. one has autism. I was diagnosed... Send Message Subscribe: Judith

Sunday, February 15, 2009
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It's back Or rather it never left. Yes, the meds just surpress it for a time. My bipolar is peeking above what my current meds can handle. After 18 years with bipolar I with psychotic features, I'm still tricked, and it's not getting better. Just the nature of the illness. I go through the, what if the doctor was wrong period.

Earlier, I was answering someone about memory loss caused by stress and realized that answering their question was very helpful to me, too. Especially since my pdoc said I could do this med adjustment at home instead of back in the hospital. My take on memory loss is that my thoughts go so fast at times that I'm not sure if I hear what they say or If I mesh some of their words with what I'm thinking. Does that make sense? I dream so vividly that I've also believed things have happened, that obviously have not and I carry those emotions from those dreams with me through the day. My family knows my moods quite well and of course we can clash like the titans. I should thank thank more often than I do. The guilt and shame can be overwhelming, but It's not our fault or theirs for lack of empathy. I know this... I know this...

What's the difference I ask you? If I had a heart attack and lashed out, would it be the meds / illness / afraid of dying / pain ? The "physical" impairment, is it more accepted and understood then mental impairment? Yes. Is it easier to let others help us when it's physical? Yes!! After 18 years, I still get this notion that I'm getting better as in healing my sickness. Then realization and depression follow. I thought I got to acceptance years ago. What a horrific mind job. I'm not looking for sympathy from others, but a way through the maze of Haze.

I have a son with moderate to severe Autism. His physical illness is not always understood by others but through tv adds and current news more are educated now. He's always been accepted by his classmates and is a happy 16 year old. Toward my episodes, he is not judgemental and comforts his Mom with hugs, smiles and a certain look of hope. I just wish everyone else could be as lucky to have a son like him. What a gift. I call him my Angel and he helps keep my head above water, so to speak.

Sorry to ramble, I've got the fog from new meds this week and just stumbled across this site. Thanks for listening. But, Please share some of your thoughts. One thing I do like about the hospital is it gives you that dose of you are not alone. I don't know why that is so comforting, because I don't want others to feel bad either.

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