Tuesday, December 08, 2009
i am new to the bipolar diagnosis and have been looking around this site for information and i found this posting in the message board section under friends and family. is this true of all folks with bp cause if so these leaves me very hopeless feeling in that i am not like this at all? will the bipolar make me this way? this person got a lot of replies from folks agreeing so that is why i am asking.
Posted
11-01-2007 07:12 PM 11-01-2007 06:12 PM
Most everyone on the forum is caught in the vortex of BP either as a spouse, or BP themselves. The most common questions and themes are "what should I do" and "what can I expect?"
Being 5 years removed from a 20 year marriage with a BP & having some level of objectivity now, I thought it might be helpful to briefly review the various patterns of a BP relationship. Maybe you will see yourself somewhere below, whether you are a Non-BP or BP.
Common Patterns & Events:
- Courtship & Marriage during a BP manic phase. BP's can be charismatic & simply awesome during a hypomanic or manic phase and a Non-BP will often find themselves compelled and transfixed on the BP who is so full of life, and focused on them. It has all the anticipation of being in a roller coaster car climbing the biggest, wildest, and most dangerous roller coaster you will ever get on.
- BP mood swing symptoms eventually manifest: uncontrollable anger, rage, impulsiveness, depression, suicide attempts, financial difficulty, abuse, sexual promiscuity, etc.
- Non-BP eventually insists on BP going for diagnosis or treatment after realizing something is very wrong, and experiencing the futility of trying to "save" the BP.
- BP refuses to go for diagnosis, or attempts self-medication with either herbal supplements, sleep modification, pharmaceuticals, or whatever, but eventually insists they are "fine" or "getting better" during moderate phase of BP cycle.
- Non-BP remains in relationship for reasons of love, codependence, religion, family & peer support, etc.
- BP symptoms manifest again, and the beating of the Non-BP recommences.
- The BP will always accuse the Non-BP of being ill themselves, an abuser, worthless, cause of all problems, etc. BP's rarely take responsibility or accountability for their own actions - it is always the Non-BP's "fault" or the (untreated) illness' fault. A Non-BP should never expect a sincere apology from a BP. A BP will eventually regress & repeat the same apology dozens of times, making them meaningless over time (assuming an apology is ever even offered).
- BP "crazy making" behavior severely affects Non-BP and both will essentially become "crazy" and enter phase of co-dependence. It often takes many sessions for a therapist to sort through who is BP & who is Non-BP in long term BP relationships.
- If BP remains non-diagnosed (convenient for the BP) they will systematically make the Non-BP appear crazy to frends, family, co-workers and commence disassembling the Non-BP's life both to serve the BP's need for drama, and so the BP has someone to share their delicious misery with.
- If Non-BP is lucky enough to convince BP to seek treatment, go on medication, and accept therapy, the Non-BP's life eventually devolves into a 24x7 caretaker relationship.
- The medicating BP will eventually stop taking meds, or new "symptoms" will appear to include all sorts of ailments and side-effects of meds that requires unending attention by the Non-BP. The Non-BP eventually forfeits their friends & family & careers.
- Self medicating BP's will go through their regular cycles unabated with any semblence of sanity being purely coincidental to whatever "treatment" they have self prescribed. I read multiple posts on this forum from BP's who are self medicating & doing "better," when in fact, they are simply going through one of the normal BP phases of self delusion. BP's cannot self medicate.
- The BP's natural state of self-absorption and craving for drama or action whether in a depressed or manic state, and whether medicated or not, will continue for a lifetime & drag everyone along for the ride.
- Multiple reconciliations after infidelities, or "I don't love you," "I have to be free," "I need to find myself," and various acts of self-destruction will ensue as long as the Non-BP will tolerate them - maybe for a year, and maybe a lifetime. Many BP's will be involved in affairs or indiscriminate sexual liaisons that will result in sexually transmitted disease. Non-BP's should protect themselves.
- Children are most often involved and the result of moderate phase or manic phase romantic liaisons - with or without the spouse. Most BP relationships I have seen or read about include 2 or more children, and are often quite prolific with 4 or more children involved.
- The BP does not have the capacity to love & nurture the children much of the time, and has no problem using them as tools to manipulate the Non-BP. Non-BP's should take every possible action to remove children from the influence of a BP, and never leave them unattended for any length of time with a BP. Children are unequipped to deal with BP's. This isn't a condemnation of BP's but an unfortunate fact of the condition. BP's behavior is often hugely destructive and children are highly susceptible. A Non-BP has a responsibility to fight for their children.
- Family & friends who have not had to deal with a BP simply cannot comprehend what a Non-BP goes through when dealing with a BP. The BP will most often act "normal" and over compensate with the Non-BP's family & friends, and their own family, as a means of co-dependent control over the Non-BP. To the outside world, they can appear charming and solid, and never present the over-the-top image to anyone but the Non-BP spouse and children.
- Making tapes or videos of the BP is futile, and even if you can get a recording of a blowout and get someone to listen or watch a BP in a full blown rage and explosion of craziness, they often won't believe their eyes or ears against many years of observation. The comeback will most often be the BP getting the Non-BP into a froth and making a selective recording of their own. It's a battle the BP is fully equipped for and thrives on - it's what they live for - and the Non-BP does not stand a chance in a toe-to-toe fight.
- No MTV sound bite, or any amount of words to a family member or friend can begin to touch on the non-stop 24x7 grind of living with a BP. That's one of the reasons I am contributing to this board - I have been in your shoes and didn't know where to turn, what to do, or what to expect. The only choice a Non-BP has, in the end, is to choose to leave the battlefield, and concentrate on what's between their own two ears, and not their BP partners.
- Divorce is inevitable in 90-95% of marriages with BP's depending on what statistics you choose. Non-BP's will receive well intentioned advice from outsiders to "hold on," "delay," "stick with it," and chastisement from the misguided that divorce is "an abomination to God," when, in fact, a Non-BP has absolutely no control over the situation. Whether the BP initiates divorce, or the Non-BP does, it's eventually going to occur. In the handful of marriages I have personally witnessed where a Non-BP is married to a BP, the only ones that remained intact were where the Non-BP was so codependent on the BP that you couldn't discern who was ill, and who was not. Lastly, anyone who tells you to take the "high road" with a BP hasn't lived with one - always be direct, defend yourself, and constantly set boundaries until you finally decide to "hit the road."
- As a precursor to the next statement, I believe in God, that prayers are answered, and also believe in miracles. With that said, one of the more common phases with BP's is various intense "spiritual" phases. While this can be a good thing, it is sadly too often short-lived and can be severely destructive to a spiritual Non-BP who may feel abandoned or disillusioned when things go sour again. God remains with us, and will always be with both the BP & Non-BP, but the same self-destructive behavior and inability to truly love anyone that defines a BP during mood swings will eventually manifest and shake the faith of even the most fervent of believers. For the Non-BP's I suggest forming your own bond and faith independent of the BP and acknowledging that God loves us all even though he may abhor our actions at times.
- Divorce between Non-BP's and BP's is always painful, messy, and ugly - always. Non-BP's should prepare themselves for the most atrocious of accusations & the fight of their lives. BP's crave drama & action to feel alive, and the pain of divorce is like crack cocaine to them. They revel in it, and the formerly sweet BP man or BP woman that was your spouse will go for your jugular & do as much damage possible to cause the Non-BP pain, and fuel their own pain, including using children as battering rams & pawns to prolong the pain & serve their addiction to drama. A Non-BP must resolve themselves to be decisive & even cruel to the BP to quickly extract the children from the situation. Sorry I can't tell you there is an easy way to go about this, or that cooler minds will prevail. The courts are over-burdened, and BP's can be scarily convincing if the Non-BP has not gathered their facts in preparation.
I may have left a few things out but included enough for both the BP's and Non-BP's reading here to either have a glimpse of their future, or nod their heads in agreement to those things that have passed.
I truly feel bad for BP's. It was both a blessing & a curse to be married to a BP. Maybe it was selfish of me to extract myself & our children from the mess. If I could have forced my ex-wife to medicate & into therapy then I might have tried longer, but in a society that cherishes self determination and personal freedom, she made her choices, and I made mine.
Good Luck. God Bless.
Being 5 years removed from a 20 year marriage with a BP & having some level of objectivity now, I thought it might be helpful to briefly review the various patterns of a BP relationship. Maybe you will see yourself somewhere below, whether you are a Non-BP or BP.
Common Patterns & Events:
- Courtship & Marriage during a BP manic phase. BP's can be charismatic & simply awesome during a hypomanic or manic phase and a Non-BP will often find themselves compelled and transfixed on the BP who is so full of life, and focused on them. It has all the anticipation of being in a roller coaster car climbing the biggest, wildest, and most dangerous roller coaster you will ever get on.
- BP mood swing symptoms eventually manifest: uncontrollable anger, rage, impulsiveness, depression, suicide attempts, financial difficulty, abuse, sexual promiscuity, etc.
- Non-BP eventually insists on BP going for diagnosis or treatment after realizing something is very wrong, and experiencing the futility of trying to "save" the BP.
- BP refuses to go for diagnosis, or attempts self-medication with either herbal supplements, sleep modification, pharmaceuticals, or whatever, but eventually insists they are "fine" or "getting better" during moderate phase of BP cycle.
- Non-BP remains in relationship for reasons of love, codependence, religion, family & peer support, etc.
- BP symptoms manifest again, and the beating of the Non-BP recommences.
- The BP will always accuse the Non-BP of being ill themselves, an abuser, worthless, cause of all problems, etc. BP's rarely take responsibility or accountability for their own actions - it is always the Non-BP's "fault" or the (untreated) illness' fault. A Non-BP should never expect a sincere apology from a BP. A BP will eventually regress & repeat the same apology dozens of times, making them meaningless over time (assuming an apology is ever even offered).
- BP "crazy making" behavior severely affects Non-BP and both will essentially become "crazy" and enter phase of co-dependence. It often takes many sessions for a therapist to sort through who is BP & who is Non-BP in long term BP relationships.
- If BP remains non-diagnosed (convenient for the BP) they will systematically make the Non-BP appear crazy to frends, family, co-workers and commence disassembling the Non-BP's life both to serve the BP's need for drama, and so the BP has someone to share their delicious misery with.
- If Non-BP is lucky enough to convince BP to seek treatment, go on medication, and accept therapy, the Non-BP's life eventually devolves into a 24x7 caretaker relationship.
- The medicating BP will eventually stop taking meds, or new "symptoms" will appear to include all sorts of ailments and side-effects of meds that requires unending attention by the Non-BP. The Non-BP eventually forfeits their friends & family & careers.
- Self medicating BP's will go through their regular cycles unabated with any semblence of sanity being purely coincidental to whatever "treatment" they have self prescribed. I read multiple posts on this forum from BP's who are self medicating & doing "better," when in fact, they are simply going through one of the normal BP phases of self delusion. BP's cannot self medicate.
- The BP's natural state of self-absorption and craving for drama or action whether in a depressed or manic state, and whether medicated or not, will continue for a lifetime & drag everyone along for the ride.
- Multiple reconciliations after infidelities, or "I don't love you," "I have to be free," "I need to find myself," and various acts of self-destruction will ensue as long as the Non-BP will tolerate them - maybe for a year, and maybe a lifetime. Many BP's will be involved in affairs or indiscriminate sexual liaisons that will result in sexually transmitted disease. Non-BP's should protect themselves.
- Children are most often involved and the result of moderate phase or manic phase romantic liaisons - with or without the spouse. Most BP relationships I have seen or read about include 2 or more children, and are often quite prolific with 4 or more children involved.
- The BP does not have the capacity to love & nurture the children much of the time, and has no problem using them as tools to manipulate the Non-BP. Non-BP's should take every possible action to remove children from the influence of a BP, and never leave them unattended for any length of time with a BP. Children are unequipped to deal with BP's. This isn't a condemnation of BP's but an unfortunate fact of the condition. BP's behavior is often hugely destructive and children are highly susceptible. A Non-BP has a responsibility to fight for their children.
- Family & friends who have not had to deal with a BP simply cannot comprehend what a Non-BP goes through when dealing with a BP. The BP will most often act "normal" and over compensate with the Non-BP's family & friends, and their own family, as a means of co-dependent control over the Non-BP. To the outside world, they can appear charming and solid, and never present the over-the-top image to anyone but the Non-BP spouse and children.
- Making tapes or videos of the BP is futile, and even if you can get a recording of a blowout and get someone to listen or watch a BP in a full blown rage and explosion of craziness, they often won't believe their eyes or ears against many years of observation. The comeback will most often be the BP getting the Non-BP into a froth and making a selective recording of their own. It's a battle the BP is fully equipped for and thrives on - it's what they live for - and the Non-BP does not stand a chance in a toe-to-toe fight.
- No MTV sound bite, or any amount of words to a family member or friend can begin to touch on the non-stop 24x7 grind of living with a BP. That's one of the reasons I am contributing to this board - I have been in your shoes and didn't know where to turn, what to do, or what to expect. The only choice a Non-BP has, in the end, is to choose to leave the battlefield, and concentrate on what's between their own two ears, and not their BP partners.
- Divorce is inevitable in 90-95% of marriages with BP's depending on what statistics you choose. Non-BP's will receive well intentioned advice from outsiders to "hold on," "delay," "stick with it," and chastisement from the misguided that divorce is "an abomination to God," when, in fact, a Non-BP has absolutely no control over the situation. Whether the BP initiates divorce, or the Non-BP does, it's eventually going to occur. In the handful of marriages I have personally witnessed where a Non-BP is married to a BP, the only ones that remained intact were where the Non-BP was so codependent on the BP that you couldn't discern who was ill, and who was not. Lastly, anyone who tells you to take the "high road" with a BP hasn't lived with one - always be direct, defend yourself, and constantly set boundaries until you finally decide to "hit the road."
- As a precursor to the next statement, I believe in God, that prayers are answered, and also believe in miracles. With that said, one of the more common phases with BP's is various intense "spiritual" phases. While this can be a good thing, it is sadly too often short-lived and can be severely destructive to a spiritual Non-BP who may feel abandoned or disillusioned when things go sour again. God remains with us, and will always be with both the BP & Non-BP, but the same self-destructive behavior and inability to truly love anyone that defines a BP during mood swings will eventually manifest and shake the faith of even the most fervent of believers. For the Non-BP's I suggest forming your own bond and faith independent of the BP and acknowledging that God loves us all even though he may abhor our actions at times.
- Divorce between Non-BP's and BP's is always painful, messy, and ugly - always. Non-BP's should prepare themselves for the most atrocious of accusations & the fight of their lives. BP's crave drama & action to feel alive, and the pain of divorce is like crack cocaine to them. They revel in it, and the formerly sweet BP man or BP woman that was your spouse will go for your jugular & do as much damage possible to cause the Non-BP pain, and fuel their own pain, including using children as battering rams & pawns to prolong the pain & serve their addiction to drama. A Non-BP must resolve themselves to be decisive & even cruel to the BP to quickly extract the children from the situation. Sorry I can't tell you there is an easy way to go about this, or that cooler minds will prevail. The courts are over-burdened, and BP's can be scarily convincing if the Non-BP has not gathered their facts in preparation.
I may have left a few things out but included enough for both the BP's and Non-BP's reading here to either have a glimpse of their future, or nod their heads in agreement to those things that have passed.
I truly feel bad for BP's. It was both a blessing & a curse to be married to a BP. Maybe it was selfish of me to extract myself & our children from the mess. If I could have forced my ex-wife to medicate & into therapy then I might have tried longer, but in a society that cherishes self determination and personal freedom, she made her choices, and I made mine.
Good Luck. God Bless.
