So I am now going into my 4th year with being diagnosed with bipolar and well into my 1st year with the additional diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder. I am well knowledged of these illnesses but it doesn't help. I am currently physically and emotionally shut down from my husband and a few very good friends of mine. I am extremely lonely and I feel like I am completely and utterly useless in this world. I am sad and sleeping most of the time and rapid cycling more than I have ever done. I am unemployed, My job of 11 years, my boss decided that my absences were just "not fair" to him. Yes, he knew of my illnesses and my doctor visits but that did not matter to him. People don't understand and I will tell you I got very angry with someone the other day when we were talking about BP and he said very casually that all the symptoms of BP describe everyone to some sense. We ended up in a very heated arguement about medications etc to the point i left the conversation. Oh... my best friend and someone that I love very deeply YELLED at me the other day about medications as well. My suicidal tendacies are coming back at full blast and so far have been able to stop them from getting strong...but how long can i hold on. I have a therapy and med check coming up and have called the hotline several times. The person I love so much just betrayed me and now I am lost, hurting and mad. Why do I put my trust in the wrong people. He took advantage of my weak points and hit a few home runs and with that killing my trust, hope for the future and not to mention breaking my heart. Its 2:30 am and I am wide awake. I don't understand where I am and I am completely alone in my head and heart.... Wish I could wake up from this nightmare... :((
I too am going through pretty much the same feelinsgs without the complication of Borderline Personality dx. Lost, lonely, suicidal but witout a plan. I had a dream just around the time you wrote your post actually because the dream woke me up. I dreamt that an international three letter group (CIA something like that ) brought, me in my coffin out from a huge warehouse filled with coffins, effectively saving me from something (burial?) into a huge warehouse filled with bombs hinding me under one of the bombs. That's the way I feel every day and have for the 3 years that I have been diagnosed. All I know is that putting one foot ahead of the other works for me most of the time. I keep doing whatever is productive to my life as it is today and usually I come out whole on the other side of the depression and lonliness. I don't know how Borderline complictes the picuture. I trust that abandoment issues are involved with your ex boss and your partner. I pray every day and it seems to work for me. I will include you in my prayers. We just need one another at this site more than we care to admit sometimes.