My Wife Blames Me For Her Manic Rants

Sleepless in KC Community Member January 29, 2009
  • I am so confused and so hurt.  I married my childhood sweetheart.  It is the second marriage for both of us.  She was always the standard that no other woman could ever live up to.

     

    But she has a dark side.  Periodically, about every 30 days or so, she will go into a dark state where she claims that I cannot do anything right.  I will come home and find that she has decided that I am using internet networking tools to "meet women."  (I'm not.)  That I am watching endless porn.  (I'm not.)  That I am having affairs.  (I'm not.)

     

    She has a major hang up with my ex-wife.  The ex does not even acknowledge my wife, and my wife blames me for that.  I have spoken to my ex about trying to be more civil with my wife for the sake of the kids, but I have no control over that.  My wife yells at me to "be a man," or to "man up and tell that stupid bitch that she can't rule my life like she still rules yours."

     

    I can take all that verbal abuse.  The problem is that sometimes these rants will continue for days on end, where she will stay in bed all day, sometimes drinking, too, and stay awake all night yelling at me.  If I engage, the fighting starts and escalates.  If I ignore her, she usually calms down at some time so I can get a few hours of sleep before getting up and going to work.

     

    I have left the house before when things get out of hand.  Then I am blamed for "abandoning her."  If I respond to her endless attacks, I am told later that I am the one who was yelling, not her.

     

    Last weekend was the worst, though.  She started screaming that my ex-wife has been sexually abused by her father since the age of 12.  She just made this up, but asks "what kind of drugs" I am on for being so stupid as to not see it.  I ask her where this comes from, and she just says it is "so obvious," and I must be an idiot not to see it.

     

    Again, I don't care what she thinks of my ex.  The problem is that she has escalated this into claiming that my kids are not mine, and are "the retarded, inbred offspring of that stupid ugly bitch and their grandfather."

     

    I'm sorry, but this now implicates my kids' lineage, and my manhood, not to mention my judgment.

     

    She yelled this at me, even with my kids in the house, for about a week.  I have voice mails from her yelling this at me.

     

    I allowed this to go on for one night last weekend with the kids there, and then I took them to a hotel for 2 days.  I can't let them be exposed to this.

     

    She now says it was all a joke and that I have no sense of humor.  She says I abandoned her for the weekend.  She is blaming me for spending money on a hotel with my kids, but never taking her anywhere.

     

    She simply denies any accountability or responsibility.

     

    I have contacted the local mental health institute, and I am going in for counseling on how to handle the situation.  I also have insisted that my wife go to seek help.  She says I am the one who is sick.

     

    I don't think that I have a choice but to issue an ultimatum to either get help, or get out.  This is not what I wanted from this relationship, but I don't think I can take this any more.  I have become so frustrated with her incessant verbal attacks that I have cried, begged and pleaded for her to stop.  But she won't.  She follows me around the house in the middle of the night yelling at me.  She locks me out of the room, then accuses me of "freaky incest" with my kids because I was sleeping in their room with them.

  •  

    She won't let me sleep.  She wonl't leave me alone.  I am ashamed to say that I have slapped her and pushed her in an effort to get her to stop.

     

    That is inexcusable on my part.  But I am at wit's end.  I need help.  She needs help.  Even if we get help, I don't think I can go through this again.

     

    I just needed to tell my story.  I am interested in knowing whether I am alone.

15 Comments
  • Bipolar II
    Jul. 08, 2014

    Sounds serious.  Professional help is needed.  She may be a bigger threat to herself than she is to you, depending on what her problem is.  I am Type II Bipolar and until I got diagnosed and into treatment things were really bad.  Try to get her the best psychiatric help that you can.  It takes a strong person to admit they need help,...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    Sounds serious.  Professional help is needed.  She may be a bigger threat to herself than she is to you, depending on what her problem is.  I am Type II Bipolar and until I got diagnosed and into treatment things were really bad.  Try to get her the best psychiatric help that you can.  It takes a strong person to admit they need help, but maybe she can do it.  Even with help, people with mental conditions must realize that they are still responsible for their actions and that is something they should help her come to grips with.  It is easier tho' when you have help.  I remember just getting a diagnosis was like having a million pound weight lifted off my shoulders and things have been much better the last 5 years since my diagnosis.  If things do work out there will still be bumps in the road but they will be further in between and not as severe.  Good luck, hope you all get well. - See more at: http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/90036/57440/blames-manic-rants/#sthash.sVAmnAZL.dpuf

  • Anonymous
    sickofrants
    Mar. 30, 2014

    If what you say is 100 percent true, and she is keeping you up at night, get the F out. 

    Seek a marriage counciler.  If she won't go to marriage counciling.

    Get a lawyer. 

    If you are wishy washy about lawyers, check to see if there are pro-bono services available in your area, or talk to one that offers a free first visit.  They will give...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    If what you say is 100 percent true, and she is keeping you up at night, get the F out. 

    Seek a marriage counciler.  If she won't go to marriage counciling.

    Get a lawyer. 

    If you are wishy washy about lawyers, check to see if there are pro-bono services available in your area, or talk to one that offers a free first visit.  They will give you some perspective on what your options before you are in the position to commit to it.

     

    Record what you can of her rants and get some advice.  Don't start anything, and definately do not push, slap, or touch her in anyway.  If you have a spare room make that your bedroom, or make a new home on the couch.  You may be on the loosing end of this with custody, but atleast you will have more of your life ahead of you.  It is not good for your kids.

     

    I'm in a similar position.  I've have gone to counciling with my wife for several years now, and spoke with a pro-bono lawyer.  The periodic crazy times are still happening with my wife much as you are describing.  I am now hovering around the idea of cutting this mess off.  I am frequently asking myself "it gets reaaly bad, how bad is too bad?"  I think this is a sign, and it sounds like you are knee deep in it bro.  I wish you the best and good luck!

  • Sally
    Nov. 18, 2011

    First of all let me tell you how sorry I am that you are living your life right now in a not so healthy atmosphere.  I am a woman dx with Bipolar 2 about ten years ago.  I have been married to my husband for over twenty years and share some of your wife's characteristics.  I think that you had to give her an ultimatium and if she is going to...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    First of all let me tell you how sorry I am that you are living your life right now in a not so healthy atmosphere.  I am a woman dx with Bipolar 2 about ten years ago.  I have been married to my husband for over twenty years and share some of your wife's characteristics.  I think that you had to give her an ultimatium and if she is going to heal and become healthy one day she will thank you for doing so.  In the past, before medication I would verbally abuse my husband and he would pretty much just take it.  I really don't know why he stayed, I am very blessed.  It wasn;t until he broke down one night and started to cry and said I can't take this anymore, I don't have what you need did I realize the horrible pain I inflicted on him and my family.  I went into an intensive treatment program and learned that although my medication helps me, I am resposible for my actions and I am in control of own actions even with being dx Bipolar.  I have learned that I am in control of living a healthy life for myself and my family.  I hope your wife will seek help and whatever happens with your marriage it sounds as though you deserve peace and happiness.  I hope this comes to you soon whether in divorce or some type of healing done within your family.  God Bless.

    • Bipolar II
      Jul. 08, 2014

      Sounds serious.  Professional help is needed.  She may be a bigger threat to herself than she is to you, depending on what her problem is.  I am Type II Bipolar and until I got diagnosed and into treatment things were really bad.  Try to get her the best psychiatric help that you can.  It takes a strong person to admit they need help,...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      Sounds serious.  Professional help is needed.  She may be a bigger threat to herself than she is to you, depending on what her problem is.  I am Type II Bipolar and until I got diagnosed and into treatment things were really bad.  Try to get her the best psychiatric help that you can.  It takes a strong person to admit they need help, but maybe she can do it.  Even with help, people with mental conditions must realize that they are still responsible for their actions and that is something they should help her come to grips with.  It is easier tho' when you have help.  I remember just getting a diagnosis was like having a million pound weight lifted off my shoulders and things have been much better the last 5 years since my diagnosis.  If things do work out there will still be bumps in the road but they will be further in between and not as severe.  Good luck, hope you all get well.

       

  • booowhooo
    Jul. 04, 2010

    Let me start of by saying.. I dont feel sorry for you. To some it may be obvious that your "wife" is not happy with your relationship either. Maybe the best thing for you to do is get a divorce, but she is right... you are selfish. Eventhough, you say you love her, you still will not accept the fact that this is an unhealthy relationship for your children...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    Let me start of by saying.. I dont feel sorry for you. To some it may be obvious that your "wife" is not happy with your relationship either. Maybe the best thing for you to do is get a divorce, but she is right... you are selfish. Eventhough, you say you love her, you still will not accept the fact that this is an unhealthy relationship for your children and anyone involved. Let me guess.. you have put your friends on the back burner, and they are not involved in the nasty little details of this strange little "relationship".  Besides, you can go to your counseling, while she stays in bed and drinks her self into a coma. How fun it will be spending the next five years and $25,000 of counceling to find she has decided to bed the neighbors husband. Good luck.

    • Sleepless in KC
      Dec. 26, 2010

      I am afraid I don't understand your point.

    • Sally
      Nov. 18, 2011

      Your comment is rude.  Perhaps you should spend some money one counseling,spell check, and maybe even bed the husband next door.

  • Anonymous
    Help
    Jan. 15, 2010

    I was so down this afternoon after being completely torn down by my wife.  It is the second marriage for me and the first for her.  She constantly brings up my first "failed marriage" and hold the fact that I have a child from that marriage over my head.  We also have a child together, who she treats soooo much more preferential it is not even...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    I was so down this afternoon after being completely torn down by my wife.  It is the second marriage for me and the first for her.  She constantly brings up my first "failed marriage" and hold the fact that I have a child from that marriage over my head.  We also have a child together, who she treats soooo much more preferential it is not even funny.  Like some of the other posters, she does not want my ex-wife and I to have a civil relationship for the sake of our son and does anything and everything to drive a wedge between us and even tries to start fights between us.  Fortunately, my ex is a very intelligent woman and sees through it, to the point that she told me that she felt sorry for me having to live in that environment.  One day, I'm the best husband in the world and the next, she's leaving me to find a man to take care of her.  I do everything I can and nothing is good enough.  I have been screamed at for sending her flowers (she says she hated the kind I sent), for buying her presents (she says I wasted money), and just for having friends (guys).  She has even accused me of being gay, which I am far from, because I have several male friends that call, stop by, etc.  The fact of the matter is that I also had several female friends (strictly friends) that she could not handle me having friendships with that I basically had to sever our friendships to some extent to keep her happy.  She too, blames everything on me, although her friends and her family have expressed to me more than once that she has a bad problem.  How can I get her diagnosed and get help for her, as I don't want either of my children to be exposed to a cursing, screaming, timebomb that goes off at random intervals?  There is only so much I can take of being told that I am a fat, lazy loser when I work my butt off 45-50 hours at a job and then come home to a filthy house (she is a total slob) and have to do all of the outside work with someone screaming at me.  Any suggestions???

    • Anonymous
      anon
      Feb. 11, 2014

      I sympathise with you my friend. I have and do still suffer similar treatment from my wife. She is bipolar and receiving help although to be honest.it hasn't helped me much and at times I feel very much alone with my 'troubles'. It's not exactly something that you can freely confide in to anyone because if she found out, the reaction would be hostile and once...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      I sympathise with you my friend. I have and do still suffer similar treatment from my wife. She is bipolar and receiving help although to be honest.it hasn't helped me much and at times I feel very much alone with my 'troubles'. It's not exactly something that you can freely confide in to anyone because if she found out, the reaction would be hostile and once again it would be that 'I don't trust her', 'I don't love her', I don't respect her, 'I don't want her to get better' etc.

      Sadly we are many it would seem, but so many don't understand and they couldn't even begin to unless they have ever gone through the same.

       

  • Anonymous
    anonymous
    Aug. 13, 2009

    Wow! Hearing these stories, I feel like I'm not alone.  My wife (second) of three years has been going through these major swings.  When she flares-up, she constantly bar-aids and blames me for "stealing" her life from her.  She can not get over the fact that she married a man with three kids and an ex-wife.  All very evident from the...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    Wow! Hearing these stories, I feel like I'm not alone.  My wife (second) of three years has been going through these major swings.  When she flares-up, she constantly bar-aids and blames me for "stealing" her life from her.  She can not get over the fact that she married a man with three kids and an ex-wife.  All very evident from the start.  

    She will yell, tell me she hates me and that I'm the most selfish person in the world.   A few days later she is planning vacations for us, going to teachers meetings with me and my kids and totally a different person.  If I try to confront her during her rants, it only gets worse.  We've been to counseling but every time we go she trys to blame me for everything.  In her words, counselors in "this town" will only try to tell me to suck it up.

    I think she is going through many changes physically (41 yrs old) and added stress of working in a city she hates, plus dealing with me, my kids and ex. Have put her over the edge.  It is very confusing though, when she bounces out of her moods and then becomes the person I love.  I'm truly worried that she could have something else going on, but the minute that I mention it, she tells me that I'm the problem. 

    • Anonymous
      Disdain in SD
      Aug. 13, 2009

      Again....WOW! Unfortunately I have to add my name to this list, also. I've been married for  3 & 1/2 years. I have a daughter from another relationship and my wife and I have a son. We've been to marriage counseling and all she does is tell the counselor that I'm abusive and I'm the one that screws everything up. I will admit...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      Again....WOW! Unfortunately I have to add my name to this list, also. I've been married for  3 & 1/2 years. I have a daughter from another relationship and my wife and I have a son. We've been to marriage counseling and all she does is tell the counselor that I'm abusive and I'm the one that screws everything up. I will admit that we are verbally abusive to each other. Usually she'll start in about my job, my manhood, or how I'm shady because I forwarded a female co-worker a text, or i have something going on with my daughter's mom because it took me 10 minutes to drop off my daughter instead of 7 minutes, etc. I've been going to personal counseling for about a year. This has helped me deal with her, but I'm getting to the point of indifference. She filed for divorce earlier this year, but we reconciled. I was going to let the divorce go through, but she came to me, after coordinating a rendezvous with me through our friends, and told me that she didn't want to divorce. She blamed her behavior on her mom and dad and even went as far as saying that her dad wrote false statements on her behalf. She really went into great detail about "what she felt was going on that was wrong." She told me that she'd been seeing a psychologist, and I verified that she truly had been. During our reconciliation conversation she said she'd continue to see the psychologist because she "knows that's what it will take" for us to be together. I went with her to see her psychologist on the first or second day we were back together, but she has not been back since. That was 2 months ago. Her reason is that I don't make enough money at my job to afford any more visits. She has a job, and insurance, but somehow it's my fault. I still see my couselor. She is getting worse and worse and I'm really getting sick of it. I get accused of cheating at least 3 times a week. I have looked at porn maybe 10 times since we've been married, but she goes psycho over that because she can't understand why "I 'need' to look at that when I have her." But I basically have to beg her for sex. I love her, but I guess I don't love her enough to do down with her ship. I have found myself hoping that she will go to the store for "a pack of smokes" and never come back. I'm at the end of my rope with this craziness. I've done hours upon hours of research on Bipolar Disorder & Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but her psychologist says she doesn't have those problems. Well, I'm not a Dr., but every website I've read concerning BPD says that people with BPD are extremely hard to diagnose because they lie and manipulate their asses off to maintain the appearance of a victim.  I'd bet my manho

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Jan. 30, 2009

    You're not alone.  Not quite the severity that you experience but all the facts sound familiar.  I am hole up in my home office for most of the time.  The thermostat is set on 58, she rants that I am deficient in every way and I wait until she drugs out so I can sleep.  She yells at me loud enough through a closed solid wooden door that...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    You're not alone.  Not quite the severity that you experience but all the facts sound familiar.  I am hole up in my home office for most of the time.  The thermostat is set on 58, she rants that I am deficient in every way and I wait until she drugs out so I can sleep.  She yells at me loud enough through a closed solid wooden door that my customers can hear her.  If I leave the house for 4 hours on a weekend I am accused of a secret liason or sleeping with my male friend.  I too have just about had it.  She is also my childhood sweetheart and I have never been with anyone else.  I know this has to stop and I too have become more physical that I thought I'd ever be with her just to get some space which she is yelling at the top of her lungs.  It's a terrible disease and I feel bad that I can't handle the daily barrage but I guess I'm human after all.  I hope the counseling helps you.  From time to time I have been helped in that way.  My error is thinking I can handle it and then going back to the front line only to treated to a new version of the old song.  I just hope and pray a lot that this helps both of use.  Venting is good but I'm not good at it. My home family treated emotions like kryptonite.  It also affected her relationship with our kids.  They rearly call so they don;t have to deal with her.  I try to mediate to no avial as I can't blame them.  All I can say is "peace".  Please, Peace!   

    • Sleepless in KC
      Feb. 02, 2009

      Thanks, Anonymous.  I think back to all the ridiculous incidents and it is now plain to me that there is something wrong with how she processes information.  The good news is that, in the short time I have recognized this, I have already become better at just accepting that she is angry (regardless of the reason and rationale), and that I can simply...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      Thanks, Anonymous.  I think back to all the ridiculous incidents and it is now plain to me that there is something wrong with how she processes information.  The good news is that, in the short time I have recognized this, I have already become better at just accepting that she is angry (regardless of the reason and rationale), and that I can simply acknowledge that she is angry.  If I defend myself, that is when the trouble really starts.  Last night she was mad at me about how I said "I don't know" in response to a question she had about her email password.  She sat on the anger for about 9 hours,we went to a party, had a nice time.  Then she laid into me when we got home.  I just told her that she had made her point and to drop it.  She always claims that she is the one who wanted to stop the arguing in the past, so I just said that if she wanted to stop the fighting, to accept that I had heard her and to stop it and drop it.  She stormed off to bed.  But at least she did not continue her rants.

       

      We talked about it this morning.  I didn't agree with whatshe said, but I said that her projection of her thoughts and emotions on to me was wrong, and that I was sorry she felt that way.

       

      Now, of course, she is angry that I keep a log of her rants, and claims that I am the one who needs counseling.  I am going to start counseling next week.  She is rigth.  But we don't agree on what it is I am being counseled for.

       

      She also wants to go to marriage counseling.  At first I opposed that.  But then I realized that if it helps her and helps me, it helps us.

       

      I am still very concerned about our marriage.  But I am trying.  That is all I can do.

       

      Best of luck to you.  Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.

    • Anonymous
      Elle Parker
      Feb. 26, 2009

      Hey i just wanted to let you know that you are strong enough to hang in there. My mom is like that, sometimes a lot worse and ive had to deal with it my whole life. I can't say it will get any easier because it wont but you can learn to deal with it. My stepdad has been around for 12 years now handeling her and he has almost left but he sticks in there. If...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      Hey i just wanted to let you know that you are strong enough to hang in there. My mom is like that, sometimes a lot worse and ive had to deal with it my whole life. I can't say it will get any easier because it wont but you can learn to deal with it. My stepdad has been around for 12 years now handeling her and he has almost left but he sticks in there. If you love her you need to be there for her problem and not dismiss her for it no matter how hard it gets. It will be best to try to get her to see a pychiatrist, not counseling but get her evaluated. It's the first step. And as a child of a bipolor mother, i do feel you need to keep them away when she is in an episode. I have been forced to deal with way more than i should have been and it is unfair. But then again, do not by any means shelter them from whats truely wrong with her, they need to know whats going on but they don't need to be around it. Besst of luck and i pray your wife gets help because she's in a terrible and scary mind state.

    • joe
      joe
      Dec. 22, 2010

      i too am in the same boat this is kinda new to me and i need help too understand she will blame it all on me but not look at the truth i love my wife more then i ever loved any one even thow she will tell you i dont i do all nice stuff for her she says i do nothing been married 12 year she had her first hospitalation 3 years ago she was haveing hulitations...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      i too am in the same boat this is kinda new to me and i need help too understand she will blame it all on me but not look at the truth i love my wife more then i ever loved any one even thow she will tell you i dont i do all nice stuff for her she says i do nothing been married 12 year she had her first hospitalation 3 years ago she was haveing hulitations and terrable thought ive all was been there never strayed from her and never would but now she is looking for other mens aproval i dont no but think she would go as far as slep with them just to make her self feel loved please help if any one can im a stay at home dad she works hard and is a great lady but its sutch a mess right now and the new meds dont work