I think that right now that you can ask that is an indicator of your true being. Intelligent? Inquisitive? Introspective? Thoughtful ring some bells :) 

I think we have to ask ourselves when I react or act a certain way what does my heart and gut tell me about it? Even at my most manic that voice was still within me that said you know this is not right, you know this is not you. All the traits of who I was were there - I simply did not care or wanted the good things x100.   

I was first diagnosed when I was 22 and was in denial. A few years later, major manic episodes and damage to clean up later, I was so lost. I was exhausted and did not know who I was anymore. I missed "me" horribly. I was literally grieving for the loss of myself and had no idea that is what I was doing at the time. I had done things I did not think I was capable of doing on my worst days and had done them over and over again = big guilt. 

I had to learn to accept that I had changed and that I could not go back to the person I was, the "good" one in my mind, no matter how I tried to recreate my environment. It took me over 5 years. I quit my job ... did all sorts of things to try and get back to who I was before I became sick. It did not work, I had to learn to accept me, learn to believe again that I was still all of the good things that made me, me and embrace the positives in it all and there are many if we are open to them. I had to learn that I was not defined by an illness, it was only an aspect of who I was.  

Most of the friends in my life at that time had met me when I was manic or well on my way. Once I became more stable I could tell in how those people responded to me, I was not who they wanted or needed me to be. They knew me but highlighted. All of the things I had done or said I was capable of as a person but it is in the degrees. So that helped me learn who I was when these people said you are not this or that anymore or you seem this or that I knew the opposite or more sedated version of those things was my true nature.

I had done so many things that were so out of character I began to question myself a lot. But with major soul searching and TIME you can reconcile yourself. For me, we still know but we have been shaken to our cores and question it. We no longer trust ourselves in a lot of ways. Think about who you were before the illness, that can be a guide. What did you enjoy doing? What things made you happy? It is not a cure, but a guide. Look at the people in your life today that you have respect and love for, who have always been there, and find out why they chose you to be in their life and that will remind you of who you are and REINFORCE it.  

And sometimes QUIT thinking about everything and let yourself just BE and see where it takes you. The subconscious can take over where the conscious has left off or is confused. Go sit in front of the ocean or get lost in the woods, wherever on this earth that makes you feel small. It gives you perspective on who you are compared to the world, not the environment you are in every day. It gives you distance from yourself and some major clarity and helps weed out the unimportant quickly.  

Be kind to yourself.  

Butterfly

9/14/09 5:54am

I would like to talk to you some more as these things you are touching on is exactly what I am battling with. Was on a spectacular high last year, lasted for months - didn't want it to stop, because I was unstoppable, I could take on anything and anybody. Did something so stupid and out of character and it ended so abruptly. This was 9 months ago, also had major surgery (hysterectomy) at the same time. I am at my wits end, I am completely lost, ended up in a clinic last month, spent 2 weeks there for depression. I am still booked off, but I am lost, numb. Pdoc changed my meds because my moods are swinging too rapidly - All I told the docs is that I would rather die than carry on feeling like this, because I don't know how I should feel anymore. I have changed so much. I use to be a social butterfly, I loved life, I would be the life of the party, the first name on the invitee liste ( I think people now think twice before inviting me:) because I just sit there staring into space, I find it difficult to mingle. I find it just too tiring. I also turned 40 this year. I had all these events happening and this whole year I have been feeling so terrible, it's like I am searching for myself and it's like I am nowhere to be found. Where am I and why am I so miserable. I want to be myself again. I want to laugh out loud again, I want people to enjoy me again, make people laugh and enjoy my company. I do not want to spend time with people, smile and feel like a fraud, because I pretend I am having a good time...! I have come to a point in my life where there is nothing going on, it is quiet, there is no movement...and I feel safe there.

Anonymous

9/15/09 10:42pm

Hi. I hope tonight finds you in a better place. Of all the things you are going through which one do you think has had the most bearing on how you feel? With the hysterectomy are your hormones at play in all of this too? I am 37 by the way so we are close in age and maybe have some of the same challenges.

 

I am hear to listen to anything you want to vent about. You CAN work through it, it just takes some time. When I was on my little manic spree I had an affair and broke the law and let's not mention the $$$ I went through. I still look back in utter shock but one thing I learned is that people forgive us so much faster than what we do ourselves. I did not think I deserved to be happy, to have good things. The 20 some years of being a "saint" (not really but u know what I mean) before that in my mind was washed away and that was unfair. I am a firm believer in if you ask yourself if you can go back and change it and the answer is no, you have to let it go. We can't live in the past and the present at the same time, we gotta choose. And we have to accept that those things change us but do not make us. You are still the same person, you  just have some experiences that if you can, can make something good out of them.

 

We are a rare breed :)

 

You talked about the quiet and no movement and feeling safe there. I did it to protect myself. I just felt so raw and vulnerable to people and things. It was painful but I knew what to expect in being isolated, I could control it when I did not feel like I could control anything else.

 

Do you think the depression is making you do that in the tiredness and not feeling like doing things or other things? Do you think once they get your meds and the moods balanced it will get better to some degree? I do not ask those things to give you a hard time I just want you to step outside of yourself a little. I lived in my own head for way too long and did not even know how much I was doing it until things lifted a little and really feel so badly for you if you are like that now.     

 

You can smile again, you will go to those parties, you will and probably still are the number one invite but you do not feel that way right now. Please don't assume what those in your life are thinking or that it is bad or anything like that.

 

If you read this please post back and tell me how you are.