Today I'd Like to Cry

By cgoehring78 Tuesday, August 10, 2010

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There are some days when I'd really like to cry. But I can't. I don't have the capacity. I feel the need and I want to, but it just won't happen. I can only blame the meds. It's sad to miss out on expressing sadness, and conversely happiness. So much of my life has been spent so high and so low that I'm now so carefully stabilized that I don't have the luxury of swings of any emotions. Believe me, I think it's better this way; I just think it's sad.

It's 3:31 a.m. on August 10, 2010. My youngest nephew turns 15 today. I have missed out on most of his growing-up years, as well as his older brother's. I hardly know them. I wasn't able to get close to them, to have a normal relationship with them as their Aunt, because of this stupid damn disorder. I never knew how. I still don't. What can I do now? The older one is 18 and headed for college. The younger is going into his first year in high school. They are ready for independence and don't really need their fat old Tante Cindy invading their lives. Of course I will stay in touch, but I don't want to "embarrass" them. I've already done that.

Time for bed. Time for Lorazepam. It's the only thing that will help me sleep now. I'm not even supposed to be taking it, but I'll take just 1/2 tab.

Some days it sucks to be me.

Thank God for God, though, who loves me no matter what.

Thanks, God.

Where do I go from here?

Comments (5) | Add comment

bp2

8/11/10 9:15pm

I could have written the same thing. I think it is the lithium. I haven't cried in a year. I feel it inside, but I can't emote. I can't get high or low. I feel like I am missing so much. I care inside, but not outside. I am tired of this emotional vacation. considering going off my meds.

cgoehring78

8/11/10 10:23pm

As you know, I empathize with your lack of emotions. But I would discourage going off your meds. A friend of mine just tried that and it was not very successful for her. I have not personally known anyone who had a good experience doing it. Whatever you do, please do it under the guidance and careful watch of your pdoc!

God Bless,

Cindy

Tabby

8/11/10 9:55pm

There have been 2 meds that I've taken in the recent past that have caused this same symptom. One is Topamax, for which I take for seizure control and the other was when I took Lithium.

On a higher dosage of Topamax, I literally am devoid of all "feeling" or emoting. In that, oddly, I become exasperated.. which is a "emotion". So, I do not take the higher dosage. I desire to feel emotions, I am human.

When I took Lithium (and I've taken it several times over the years), it always leaves me laying on the bottom of the depressive rung. I just feel heavy but yet, can not express the feeling(s) I might be feeling (ie., crying when sad, angry when mad, etc...). I feel, I just can not express.

One of the pdocs.. I told this to.. and he said that "it is a side effect, that's all. It is not you. So, you learn to live with the side effect and know it's not actually you."

I really did not want to continue "learning to live" with the side effect or any of the other the Lithium continually brought.. weight gain, blurry vision, excessive dry mouth, tremoring of hands, depression, heaviness of feeling, etc..

Oh, and feeling an emotion but not being able to express it. As if it were lodged and locked within.

cgoehring78

8/11/10 10:29pm

If I could, I would completely wash the Topamax from my system. I have done this before, but it leaves me largely unable to function on an ongoing basis. Cognitively, it lowers my IQ by about 20-25 points.

Lithium was a bane to my existence. I felt horrible on it and begged to get off of it. I'm now on Lamictal and feeling a bit better. I don't know if it will be able to counter the effects of the Topamax, though.

Prayers are gratefully appreciated!

I wish you all success in your struggles and comfort during the rough patches, knowing there are others out there who are with you when you need us. Including God!

Cindy

Tabby

8/12/10 9:19pm

Oh sug... tell me about the Topamax. I'm still taking it but on a much lower dosage. I'm using it for seziure control which it has helped, thank God!

Still... the neuro wanted me on 200mg or more per day and I was not losing weight on it like so many folks. I'd have learned to deal with the stupidity if I was to have lost as much weight as so many people claim to lose.

On the higher dosage... I get angry. I mean "red" angry and it does not have to be about anything or anyone. I just am angry, every minute. I can't think, I can't put words together, I can not remember my very own name some days... I kid you not.

Somehow, on this med at the higher dosages and many of the meds they use for Bipolar that are very similar (many meds for Bipolar are anti-convulsants) they really do expect someone to work, function, and maintain an "existance".

Lamictal? I tried it. 2nd week in, every inch of the inside of my mouth, nostrils, ears, and even inside my eyeballs itched like crazy. The longer I took it, the more everything itched. Pdoc had me stop it and I did hate that because I so wanted that one to work.

I am, by the way, very hypersensitive to meds.

Today I'd Like to Cry

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