If you're afflicted with bipolar disorder, your life, your daily existence, is constantly being defined as either up or down, manic or depressed. It's such a stale and defining description. You're either up, down, or sometimes stable! (Unfortunately, I use this up and down metaphor too often when I don't have time to explain my disease. Maybe that's why my identity crisis is so strong...I identify too easily with the up/down theory. See my previous post entitled, "Identity Crisis Exposed.")
When I'm able to take the time to discuss my conflicting life modes, I speak about the energy levels I experience. Yes, I do get depressed, and yes, I am manic from time to time. But the energy levels that go with each style of my life affect my behavior tremendously.
For instance, I can be depressed with very low energy. Doctors consider this a state in which an individual is less likely to commit suicide. This is common prior to taking an anti-depressant. Once the anti-depressant is on board, and the energy level increases, there is more energy to actually carry out what a person is thinking. That's why it's so important to be monitored by a doc when starting an anti-depressant.
Here's how the high/low energy ride played out for me:
Low energy + depression = can't get out of bed, can't walk - more of a shuffle, no interest in anything, weak, tired, feeling hopeless and helpless, fatigued, wanting to stay home and do nothing, not enough energy to even talk, missed family get-togethers, slept all day, didn't care about anything, I hated myself and the world and wanted to die but couldn't do anything about it. Not enough energy.
Low energy + mania (also called hypomania) = feeling attractive, noticing how other women look and wanting to emulate popular women, overly empathetic and understanding, wanting to volunteer my time to many causes, desiring to spend time with people who have a lot of money and fancy cars and houses; setting goals that I can't reach. I feel overly positive and uplifted and easily excited by material things but I don't have the physical energy to go out and do all the wonderful and excited things I want to do.
On the other side of the Energy spectrum:
High energy + depression = not knowing how I got to work, sobbing incessantly, crying out that I don't care about anything, taking steps to commit suicide, failing tests in school, underperforming at work, cutting myself, lying and telling others I was mugged or hurt in some way, hating myself: get it? I hated myself and the world and I had lots of energy to show it and state it -- the opposite of low energy and depression.
High energy + mania = quitting jobs knowing I could get any job I would apply for (and usually did); separated from my husband; bar-hopping and missing work or staying out until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning and then getting up at 4:30 to exercise prior to going to work; in excellent shape; flirted constantly; bought a convertible (I hate summer and the hot sun!); purchased $60,000 worth of fine jewelry on credit cards to set up a jewelry resale business; lots of energy but no common sense; nothing holding me back. The opposite of low energy + mania. (Also called mania, sometimes accompanied by psychotic episodes.)
