It's been about a week and a half since I hit the butt-end of my recent mania. I miss it. I had nearly cleaned up my office and parts of my house and now I look at them with confusion. I couldn't begin to know where to start. I have bags of items to donate and I'm worrying about what might be in those bags and whether or not I should dig through them in case I might miss something that's in there...like one of my dog's stuffed toys or a piece of paper from my church or an envelope from a card my mom sent me.
We put my dog to sleep two weekends ago. Her cancer had spread and her abdomen was filling with fluid. Her hip dysplasia was terrible - bone on bone - we could hear the grinding sometimes as she stood up or sat down. She couldn't get comfortable anymore. She still had a great appetite and was so happy to see us. It only made it harder for us to say goodbye. Still, we knew we did the right thing. A yellow Lab that cannot run after a ball, or swim, or get up and down off the couch or bed is not living a full life. So we gave her a bit of a doggy downer on the way to the vet and by the time she got there she was almost asleep. We cried; Todd, our vet, explained the process (which we knew from having prior dogs put to sleep, but were very glad to hear again) and she simply went to sleep.
Yesterday I attended the funeral of a dear, dear man in our church. On top of this and putting my girl, Lilly, to sleep, I've been bumping along on my butt from the crash after the mania. I've been very weepy and teary, not sleeping well, and wishing only for peace and quiet. I have to be positive at work and attempt to get some work accomplished. I try to be supportive of my husband in his suffering as he tries to quit smoking and struggles with his work issues, but I am so very tired right now. Sometimes I would like not to have to be strong for anyone, but to just be quiet and at peace.
My boss's wife gave me a gift of a massage last Friday with a very gifted masseuse. It was like being in the arms of an angel. I am going to try to find a way to afford this again. I think it would be good for me.
In the meantime, Dick and I have talked about him making an appointment with a Kaiser therapist and/or psychiatrist. He has been pleased with them before and isn't very happy with the VA doctor he is seeing right now. I gave him the number today. I pray that God gives him the strength to pick up the phone and dial those numbers. He needs as much help as I do and I fear I will have a breakdown if he doesn't get the help he needs.
My family and friends continue to give me strength and a positive view of my world. I see flowers and laughter when they call or send a card to show they care. I am waiting one day at a time for the new medication to take effect (Trileptal) and the old to be washed out of my system (Lamictal and Effexor). I definitely came off of the Effexor too fast and had severe withdrawal symptoms leading to the Post-Mania Thud. I'm brushing the dust off now, though and slowly, ever so slowly, one breath, one step at a time, moving forward again.
