I am pleased to say i have decorated my house, finished my christmas shopping, and have my christmas cards ready to mail.  Guess what kind of cycle i've been in lately?  Wow...a lot of energy can get you a long way during this time of year.

I've been feeling good, trying to keep a lock on the checkbook, and have pushed myself to be more outgoing and friendly this month.  Not manic friendly but what i would term sincere friendliness, with the hope of actually continuing the relationship in the future after a cycle down.  I feel like I'm in a good place...maybe this is what is called normal!  I did go ahead and buy one of those SAD lights...it's a sunrise clock/alarm as well as SAD light and I can't really tell if it is working yet, but it isn't hurting as far a sI know.  I wake up as the light gets brighter, but then I doze until the alarm goes off...I wonder if i'm doing it right...whatever it is that makes that light work?  Am I supposed to get out of bed right away?  Forget that...light or not light...my snooze button gets full use.  I went to a church funtion today and had a good time, although I was the youngest there.  I was supposed to go to a party tonight but just didn't feel like I wanted to make chit-chat chatter.  My recent decision to put myself "out there"  has been hard to live up to..in that i still feel somewhat shy and uninteresting...unless my conversation partner has bipolar disorder, then i could talk for hours.  Sometimes I feel so buried in the day to day workings of living with this disorder that i forget there is a whole world out there that goes on every day and doesn't have to worry a bout meds and naps and triggers and eating right...and the internal mental processes i go through to get through the day.  i think I'm still enmeshed in my disorder...I need to .....what?  I feel like I'm starting all over again at a new high school...trying to find friends and learn how "things" are run and by whom.  I would like companionship but I think I forgot how to get started!  I guess this time of year...(family...mine all live away from me, my 2 older daughters will be with me, the youngest with her dad christmas week), friends...a few, good ones)...makes me wish for someone to celebrate with on a personal level.  My last big crash and burn was during the year I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I have been terrrified of even thinking about a personal relationship since then.  Maybe this is a sign I am truly feeling better...that i would admit to even the tiniest thought on the matter.  Okay...that's my tiniest thought.