Did I survive the holidays?

By 24hbipolar2 Saturday, January 05, 2008

- A
- A
- A

I type this as my three year old watches Cinderella for the millionth time. I have felt heavy and sad for several days now and wonder if a mood change is here. Since October I have been busy, November was consumed with a family trip 12 hours away with my 3 y/o, I had all my Christmas decorations and shopping done by early december and i eagerly awaited the arrival of my 2 college-aged daughters, anticipating long discussions and watching movies together. Well, none of that happened. The girls were tired, slept a great deal, spent most of the time on the computer, and then went out in the evenings. Normal college behavior, but where did i fit into this picture? I didn't. I was upset they didn't spend more time with their little sister. The house turned into a disaster area and my carefully planned and placed Christmas decorations were basically ignored. On Christmas day i waited until 12pm, then finally woke them up to open presents. The days of 6 am risings to open their presents were obviously over. My gifts of money were greatly appreciated, but the few things i bought were gracefully laid aside and i never saw them again. Granted, it's hard to buy for college students who live 1000 miles away. We did see 2 movies but no midnight discussions occured and I could barely eke (sp?) out info about their lives. The evening they left I cried off and on and can't seem to pick myself up. I have such conflicted feelings...I miss them but i don't know why...we hardly connected during the 2 weeks they were here. I don't miss them...i want life to pick up and head back to that great feeling I had before Christmas when i eagerly anticipated their arrival. My 3 y/o is typical of her age...Christmas came and went without a blink. She plays with her old toys more than the new ones. I had some bad news in the mail...a problem with money I thought was over is not over and it looks like it won't be over for a while...and a lot more money..that missive arrived today and certainly enlivened my mood. I feel...the old word fits best...melancholy. I just want to weep with sadness for lost opportunities in my life and over the past 4 years. My 3 y/o keeps popping up with questions, demands, and I feel heavy and unable to return her attention. I don't know if this is the usual holiday blues or a downer...was i hypomanic in the fall and now down? My meds did not change and I am extremely compliant with them. I'm not to see my pdoc for 1 month and yet I feel lost and then annoyed...can't i make it through one month by myself without constant reassurance that i am...stable. Am i? How come i can't feel it myself and need outside reassurance that i am "there", that i am wnl or 'within normal limits'. I read John M.'s posts and make sense of it...it adds to my own knowledge, so i know medically about this disorder but why can't i translate that into knowing intuitively about what is going on with me? After all, i'm in my body...I am this person with this disorder and trying to control it the best i can, yet i wish i had a thermometer or some other measure to tell me, yep, now i'm sick. i feel like i've just whined for the past 15 minutes....like Cinderella, if i only believed.....

Anyone develop a phobia?

Comments (21) | Add comment

Hopeful mom

1/ 5/08 6:41pm

I bet it's the normal holiday blues. I get like that every Christmas. You're in such a hurry to get everything done and you want it to be perfect. Then it's over, and it wasn't quite what you pictured. Being sad for your girls growing up is normal too. My "empty nest" syndrome last year was awful. My daughter's bf was here and I would look forward to seeing her and she'd spend all her time with him. Now he's at school with her, and she spends time with me when she comes home.

When things get back into the normal routine and you're not so tired, I bet you'll feel better.

Take care my friend.

Hopeful mom

1/ 5/08 6:42pm

When things get back into the normal routine and you're not so tired, I bet you'll feel better.

Take care my friend.

24hbipolar2

1/ 6/08 8:20am

Thanks mom, I think you are right about the empty nest syndrome. I thought I was on the way of working that one out but it still is painful every vacation they are with me. My normal routine sometimes feels like chaos with the 3 yo so i hope it doesn't get too much like normal again!

Hopeful mom

1/ 6/08 8:35am

Aww that little one will keep you young. All I have left is a moody, hormonal 16 year old boy. I love him to pieces but I'd take a 3 year old any day. :)

Well, maybe not but I think grandkids will be fun.

Get as much rest as you can and I pray for good days where your little one can play outside.

24hbipolar2

1/ 6/08 8:44am

i don't know...i just think she keeps me tired! but you are right...she buffers a lot of the bad stuff with her charm and idealism. She can do with a day outside, tho. I don't have a good backyard for children and when it is gray outside or cold, WE suffer. Maybe we'll hit the park..it would do me good to get outside too.

Stardust

1/ 5/08 7:01pm

I have a feeling it's a case of the holiday blues,too, 24. The anticipation is exciting, then the things you dreamed of never came to pass, and then it's all over and you're left with the blues. I'm surprised I didn't get stuck with them this year. hm. Like the Bible says, "this, too, shall pass". I hope it passes quickly for you hon.

24hbipolar2

1/ 6/08 8:24am

startdust, i can't seem to help building up expectations and when they are not met i feel so let down. By this time i should expect that i would have these feelings. The bite of the pain always is sharp, tho. It's not something i seem to be able to grow out of. Thanks for your help.

Judy

1/ 5/08 7:02pm

Funny your should bring up the topic. I have thought about posting on the same subject. Normally, since my son died, I couldn't wait for the holidays to end. This year was different - I had a great time. But now that it's over, I also feel a bit melancholy and cannot figure out why. Perhaps it happens to lots of people, but when you're bipolar it gets kind of worrysome. I don't really have any reason to feel "down" and I hope it will pass soon. I go to support group on Monday and that should be a benefit. Sure hope so.

Thanks for posting - we bipolars really are "connected" in many ways.......Judy

24hbipolar2

1/ 6/08 8:29am

Being bipolar sort of throws a wrench into the usual post-holiday feelings. My daughters used to say that december and christmas were the worts times in their lives...their dad and I split up, i became depressed, suicide attempt...all happened in December. So I try to make it special only to disappoint myself...I'm not sure they care anymore. I have trouble distinguishing a problem depression beginning from a down period so i am hypervigilant and that doesn't help. Thanks for posting. It's peversely nice to know others worry about the same things.

Medipedi

1/ 5/08 7:08pm

Hi, If it makes you feel any better i know exactly what you are going through. You would think that with all the meds i take that it would control the ups and downs or at least help you realize if that is what it is. The holidays were the same for me. This yr more so then any other year. I live 2 hrs fom my identical twin so that is difficult in itself but to then have a holiday come and get all pumped up to see her and then you spend not even a qtr of the time that you thought that you would. I just want you to know that you are not alone. Hang in there.

24hbipolar2

1/ 6/08 8:32am

I feel like the drugs should fix this, too. Why do I take so many and still have to worry about what is happeneing? It is not fair in any sense of the word. My girls live far enough away visits are not possible on a regular basis. It is hard to add missing family to the list of problems one has to deal with in addition to being bipolar.

su1

1/ 5/08 7:37pm

I have learned to have no expectations, and that way I don't get disappointed. I don't mean to sound cynical but rather I look at it as a way of 'taking the pressure off'. The first year I was off work for BD, I agreed with family 'no presents, except for the kids' and pared down the big dinner and decorations considerably. "Keep it simple" works for our family & leaves extra time and energy for the visiting, instead. It's still tough trying to squeeze in as much visiting as you can, though, when family lives far away - it isn't the same as having them live nearby or with you like they used to & it's hard trying to 'make up' for that with a 2-week visit. My parents live 4 hrs away and my sister now lives 7 hrs away, and I find having more frequent but shorter visits throughout the year rather than one big visit at Christmas also helps to take the pressure off, as well.

24hbipolar2

1/ 6/08 8:35am

I have tried to keep it simple in the past and it did seem to help. This year i had more energy and time and thoought I'd spift things up a bit. I shouldn't have messed with a good thing. Thanks for posting.

su1

1/ 6/08 10:04am

I, too, did a bit more this year in the way of decorating, since the last 2 yrs we didn't even put up the tree (too depressed). This year I got us a fresh 6 foot Christmas tree & put up extra decorations. My moods were ok but my energy levels have been even more up and down, so I still have to be careful. I guess with our illness, we have to pick and chose how we spend our energy, which isn't entirely a bad thing since in a way, each chosen activity becomes more special. I'm making cookies today that I haven't made in about 13 yrs, for a family gathering this afternoon. I rarely bake at all, so I am just taking my time & putting my heart into it & really enjoying it... I call them "Quickest Way to Gain 5 Pounds" cookies LOL

Best Wishes,

Sharon

chuck529

1/ 5/08 9:26pm

sounds like you are having a tough time. does been a physican help?

i think it sounds like you have allot on your plate and your respone sounds normal to me. for me being bipolar sometimes i have sort out what is the disease and waht is normal.

I am divorced and have a 14yo it is fun and sad to watch them grow up.

]

peace

chuck

24hbipolar2

1/ 6/08 7:58am

Hello Chuck,

No, being an MD is worse! I feel like i should be able to get through everything intellectually instead of feeling it. Then when I can't, I feel like i failed at some sort of life test.

chuck529

1/ 6/08 12:13pm

i am a bet of an intellect in healthcare( admin) and I often come across pateints who are bipolar and watch the respone of people who say he or she is crazy and no one knows at work and it makes me angry.

do you still practice? do be had on your self I am the king of that

Chuck

Eric

1/ 6/08 7:02am

Hmmmmmmmm….what you’re going through doesn’t sound like the illness talking. As hopeful mom already stated empty next syndrome is sometimes very hard to deal with and should be classified as a true mental illness in itself.

Take on top of that, the holidays and monies issues; you have every reason to feel a bit melancholy. Every year the same thoughts and feeling come around of what to get the kids for Christmas, did I spend enough, will they like it and so on. Now with them being in their mid twenties we get them one or two smaller gifts and of course the money cards.

My daughter commented this Christmas that it wouldn’t be Christmas without the money cards. My thoughts are that they can get what they want and enjoy huge savings with after Christmas sales. I always cry when the kids leave after being home for the holidays. I’m not quite sure if it tears of joy that they finally left or tears of missing them once they drive out the driveway. My wife feels that they are tears of joy.

Everything will work out and I am sure your 3 year old keeps you pretty busy most of the time. I can remember my daughter at that age always asking questions. I think she used to do it to drive me crazy and would bait me all the time. If I finally fell for the bait and answered her question…her response would change to WHY, answer her again…why.

She would follow me all around the house using this form of interrogation to drive me mad. Even if I went into the bathroom and shut the door…she would stand just outside the door knocking on it saying…but daddy why? I feel for you and hope you are able to survive this form of parent abuse.

I’m a bit surprised that our government hasn’t figured out when trying to extract information from enemy combatants, that if they were to put a 3 year old in the cell with them for an hour, they would spill everything and be sobbing in the corner pleading to take this child out.

Even when Christmas goes well we all feel a bit melancholy after it’s finally over. Hang in there and things will get better. If you find that you keep dropping, of course get in to see you pdoc.

24hbipolar2

1/ 6/08 8:41am

eric, you always make me laugh. At this minute my 3 yo is trying to push me out tof the computer chair and get me to watch the cinderella thing again. I agree with the thoguht of a 3 yo as an interrogator..it would be over in an hour of constant attention foisted on the prisoner. This empty nest thing is harder than i expected. I feel guilty when i am glad they live far away and sad when they leave...then happy when they come home...just too many feelings all mixed up together. I feel a bit better this am, especially after reading everyone's posts. Hopefully things will even out if i keep my head up and put the "one foot" thing going on in practice. Thanks for your post.

Frank Duffey

1/ 6/08 11:25am

I spent chritsmas eve here alone crying I went to bed at 10pm and the next day I was here alone all day until about 4 pm my roommate worked christmas day. SO I was here they had a christmas day party at the AA triangle club house but I felt that I was to medicated with the pain medication to drive down there and it was over at 4 pm So I just went to bed and stayed online with the laptop. iuntil I got sleepy then I went to bed. My roommate got me a shower head and that was the only gift I got. I didnt get a christmas card or even a gift from my parents at alll and nothing from my sister at all. So that was my family christmas, if it were not for a best friend it would have been much worse. So when you think your christmas was bad read this. I am a survior of brain tumor surgery in 2003. And I am still recovering from the effects and some things will never be restored to the way I was before the surgey, and I have to accept that some thing I still am having a very hard time with simple descions at the grocery store on what to purchase even with a list I hate going to the store now I dont going to wall mart with someone like my roommate she keeps us moving through there and we get out fast and are home in less than an hour I cant walk around because I have Atrhritis in my hip and my back. and it is very painful.and there is no cure for Osetoarthritis.

Hopeful mom

1/ 7/08 7:53am

Frank, honey you gotta look at the positives. You have food and a warm place to sleep and a roommate who cares for you and tries to help you get out there.

Maybe other people have more than you do. Still others have much less. We should all feel thankful for the people who love us. I'm not saying your life isn't hard. I know it is. With your health issues, I'm sure it's very difficult to think about what you had and now you don't have it. You still have life and you still have people who care for you. You just gotta care for yourself. *big hugs*

Did I survive the holidays?

Ask a Question