on the edge...

By Halo Wednesday, January 07, 2009

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I'm new to this website and very relieved to have found it. I'm 28 years old and dealing with a man about 10 years older who I'm afraid has bipolar. I'm no expert, although I do have a degree in Psychology, and some things are just plain obvious. I never married this man, but we had a child together about 2 years ago. Why??? You would think I would pay more attention to the signs and know when to run, right? Well, it got so bad living with him when I was pregnant that I had anxiety attacks and it wasn't good for the baby. The toilets were "filthy" even though I'd cleaned them 2 days before, there was a very specific way to do dishes (growing up in my house, you were just happy someone did them, you didn't dare supervise!) and the list goes on and on... I did and still do love this man -- different now than before. He grew up with his dad who was an abusive alcoholic and his mother left before he was 10 because she was scared of his dad. Turns out, she is schizophrenic. So, two strikes against him there. He plays games with me still... doing horrible things like ordering me to get out of the car when all day we've planned on going to a party... he says horrible things, like "my ex-wife wasn't stupid enough to get pregnant" (our baby was a surprise). And I'm like, "no shit! she was smart enough to get out quick!" So, he'll come back to me, very sincere, and when its good - we are best friends. Then, when things get rough and I start to question the relationship, he will dump me flat on my face and my head will be spinning. I know they say its pointless to argue with a bipolar person, but somethings are just so hurtful, I turn into a witch and say horrible things back to him. Its so hard not to take it personally! Anyway, around the time he and his brother started eating out of trashcans when dad when be on a binge, he turned himself in to a school counselor and they placed him in foster care. He was very fortunate to find a Psychologist who was fostering, and that is the primary reason his career has been a success. The last time he came back, I said it was on the condition that he see a psychiatrist (heck, I am, I need pills to deal with him!). So, he has an appointment in late January and we'll see if he follows through. I just pray the doctor is skilled enough to read him, because he can easily "switch" around others and be just fine. This week, he's been cycling and its been bad. I'm pretty sure he's flirting with a younger girl... which is heartbreaking, but I'm sure she makes him feel good because she isn't aware of the "dark side". I just don't know what to do. He's an extremely hard worker (sleeps about 5 hours a night on average) and a dedicated father (although very hard on our son and thinks he is manipulative... as a two year old!). How much better can it get with medicine?

Comments (5) | Add comment

Halo

1/ 7/09 6:36pm

Also, do Bipolar people feel remorse for actions and grateful for help? Sometimes it would be nice... and sometimes he says, "man, I have been a d*ck... why don't you put me in my place when that happens? I'm thinking, everytime I even try defending myself in verbal assault, I end up in tears and he just goes on about his business and will come up and give me a kiss 30 minutes later...

NewBride

1/ 8/09 5:30pm

Yes all of those signs are very very familiar - even the dishes! I came home one day and he was furiously washing dishes I did the day before, saying I don't clean up to his standards and we need a maid... I married mine, but didn't realize he was BP at the time - how was I to know? I just thought he was stressed but it only got worse and worse... I loved him so I tried to look passed it until it was unbearable.

I would get him to a psych ASAP and decide where to go from there. Meds could help, but sometimes it takes months, even years to get the right combo and dosage... I'm sorry to hear this. I'm always sad to see so many people going thru the same thing I've dealt with, but on the other hand, it gives me solace as I'm sure it does you. The number one thing people told me to do, is what I'm going to tell you - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST, and your baby. I don't know if they feel remorse... sometimes mine didn't even realize what he was doing! Or even remember! Most of the time he would blame ME for how he was feeling - even if I wasn't around him.... read my stories... they are similar

tabby

1/ 9/09 9:10am

Are you, eventually, intending to marry this man or has this come up in discussions between the 2 of you?

I ask because if you are having concerns & issues with him, while unmarried and assuming living together, then you will likely continue to have these and more after marriage.

That being said... you do have a child together. Whether planned or not planned - you both are equally responsible for how this child came to be and because of such you are both on each other's, and the child's, family tree forever and all eternity. Meaning, you and he will be conjoined together via the child.

He perhaps has mood swings, he has anger swings, and he might get a bit irrational at times and you don't have a clue as to what to do but sure do hope that somewhere in there - you can find a remorseful person who is just lost amongst the disorder's blackness that you've pinned him to and named him as such.

Well... let's see

you aren't married. You are not legally "a family member". You are not legally "next of kin" though your baby is. You are not "an immediate relative". So, forcing him or having him picked up and taken to a facility to undergo an evaluation is pretty null and void in your situation.

You could speak with his family and see if one of them would sign him in - that is, if he is absolutely unwilling to go and you are insisting that he must be and must take some meds.

Or... you and the baby could pack your things and go. The return condition or "lines" might would be if he'd go and get an evaluation. At that point, based on the evaluation you will accept the psychiatrist's diagnosis whatever it may be (you & he both accept).

If there is a diagnosis, and the condition or line is met that you BOTH accept it, and it comes with a medication treatment regimen another "line" would be that he get on that and stay on that for a long period of time thus becoming stable for a long period of time (longer than a year from a med or meds that appear to be working, not from the first med given that might not work). When all that is said & done, then the 3 of you will meet and the 2 of you would merely discuss the possibility of you returning as a family unit.

You, and your child, can still be "there" for him but just not "be in the same 4 walls" with him. You will, of course, care and nurture your child in a loving and supportive manner and will work out details involving him as much as possible and is right and good for the child cause in this particular case - the child's needs are more important.

It takes a very long time, for most, to reach some type of stability and even then.. stability is a fragile thing and the ability to manage it for long periods of time gets harder each time it is met. It's possible to reach it and keep it for quite a long period but, only after quite a long period of time and considerable effort - trial and error - and medication adjustments, therapy, lifestyle modifications, etc..

It isn't an overnight or within 1 year kind of thing. It is life long and each day must be dealt with, though the disorder mustn't be what rules each day less the individual allows it to.

Choice is yours. As it is right now... he isn't going to change, you are going to continue to suffer miserably with his behavior, and the baby is going to absorb all the vibes in the household & from all the household members.

Course, if I assumed incorrectly and the 2 of you aren't living together under the same roof... then part of the choice is already made. The rest is up to you.

Halo

1/13/09 1:50pm

Tabby, thanks for your message... I moved out shortly before our baby was born because I couldn't handle the whirl winds while I was pregnant. At the time, we were engaged to be married, but I called it off, or put in "on hold" because of the issues we had.

So, the baby and I live with my parents, but he is very involved with the baby. We still see each other -- mostly, going on dates and stuff. 75% of the time, it is so fun... like we are best friends. But the other 25% can be SO bad. I've always been focusing on what I can do to improve myself (he is highly critical of me) and how I can stop being reactive to his mood swings.

That said, it is so hard to sit back and be unreactive... it just goes against human nature. I know some people can handle it, but perhaps I'm very sensitive. Today is my birthday --- he hasn't said a positive word to me all week and hasn't bothered to even call with best wishes.

I think you were right when you summed up your email... I've already made a choice... Now, I must stand my ground. Do you mind if I ask what your personal experience with a bipolar relationship is? For some reason, it helps me so much to read the personal stories... maybe its an internal justification process.

Thanks again!

Samantha

10/ 3/09 3:50am

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder

on the edge...

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