Can People Change???

Shandy Living With It Send Message Subscribe: Shandy

Friday, February 22, 2008
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So most of you know what has been going to with me to an extent.I ended up in the hospital for a week due to my son's father's abusive behavior. When I got out I took my son and ran. Big Chad then went to the judge in his small town and told them that I was mentally unstable and that I could ...

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kpmcinto
Friday, February 22, 2008 at 06:10 PM
Well, I don't think somebody should have to "turn on the charm." So he has to TRY to be nice to you? It should come naturally in my opinion. There is a honeymoon phase in abusive relationships. They promise you the world only to resort back to that abusive behavior when you give in. Anybody can change but you need to feel him out for MUCH longer than THIS!!! Don't make it too easy....

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Shandy
Friday, February 22, 2008 at 06:21 PM
I know that is what I am scared of... I can't fall back again, but I am scared to tell him I am not ready. I am hurt and need time to myself and he doesn't seem to understand that especially since I feel like I don't have much help besides him right now. How long till I know, should I give him another two years? I have to keep him in state for six months so he can't take my child back to NC, but do I lead him on for six months?

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kpmcinto
Friday, February 22, 2008 at 06:54 PM
You are not leading him on first of all. If he had acted right this would have never happened. There is a thing called CONSEQUESES for your actions. Second of all he needs to prove himself and if he is pressuring you to make a decision it is still all about control. The ball is in YOUR court not HIS and he HATES IT!!!!! You will know when you don't have to question it...you will be at peace with your decision. Right now you aren't. There really is no time limit where feelings are concerned. Stick to your guns!!! Try to become self sufficient...do exactly what you are doing now. You can do it! If he does change then that will just be a plus....if not then you will be confident in knowing you don't need him and he can take a walk!

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tabby
Friday, February 22, 2008 at 07:52 PM

You are in a bad spot and your husband knows this. You don't have a job, no money, and no car so he comes along and uses this to his advantage. If he helps you, you are obligated. He holds the child as the pawn by giving you the fear that he'll just take off back to NC at a moment's notice if you don't follow the plan.

It's a bad situation and you are caught in it. You've almost got to play "nice and smart" until you can get self-sufficient. Keep working in that direction no matter what. Do not allow him to deter you from that course of action even if you have to play "nice and smart". You've got to get stablized, your own money coming in, a place to stay, and a car.

Once you've got all this, you then show the court that you are good to raise your child on your own. You've got a lot to loose if you don't keep working in that direction. Take your meds, see your doc, go to therapy, pound the pavement even if you have to take the bus, and keep stepping.

You can do it, just be smart about it, keep your eyes on the goal, and I pray for much strength for you & your son.

I agree.
Hopeful mom
Friday, February 22, 2008 at 09:22 PM

Abusers can turn on the charm but you've been down this road. I feel for you and where you are. Only you can decide the best course of action. However, I do absolutely agree with the others that you need to work toward independence as much as possible.
Take care hun and give that baby all the love you have to give.

Protect your son
tls
Saturday, February 23, 2008 at 09:31 AM
Find the phone number to the abuse hotline and keep it with you as a "just in case." If something goes wrong get out and call it and get to a safe house. Judges look at that as a positive step. Also, just because your boyfriend doesn't abuse your son he is still likely to become a future abuser if he is exposed to it in the home. He may be too young now but it's something to think about in the future. Stay strong, take care of your mental health, and become independent.

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schroeder
Tuesday, February 26, 2008 at 12:10 AM

HI Shandy

Dr. Phil would say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If I were you - I wouldn't allow myself to get involve with this person that created such heartache. He tried to take your son away - the mother of his child. The best thing you can do right now is to check into some state programs that will help you get on your feet. See about low income housing - see about food stamps - medical assistance - child support - is he helping with this? There is also the job service that will help you find a job - better yet, just go get a job even if it is at McDonalds - anything you can find will help you out. Most importantly - stat strong - that little boy needs you and is depending on you. Hope this helps.....even just a little. Good Luck!

Shandy
sharoncookie
Sunday, March 02, 2008 at 11:16 AM
When they think they are really losing you they can be the best guys in the world and you want to believe them. Stay with your family and keep trying to move on. They do not change. sharoncookie