I swear to God that your story could be MY story word for word.  I too was affected by SAD on top of my bipolar disorder this year.  About 3 weeks ago I plunged head first into the black hole of depression w/o anything really having changed much in my world.  I felt it coming this time - each day was a little worse.  I had a little less tolorance and more irritability.  Over taken by rapid cycling thoughts, it was as if my mind had a mind of it's own.   My pdoc added Abilify to my Lamictal but I developed terrible / horrible panic attacks so after only a week on ability she took me off and I've just been taking the lamictal.  I'm OK .... I mean I struggle every frakin day with the BP but this time even tho I had "thoughts" of suicide, I did not act upon them and that's a good thing .... it's a little bit of control, right??  It's tough isn't it just getting through one day not to mention a seasonal change??  I never thought I'd be so susceptable to simple things that other "balanced brain" people take for granted.  Well, if it's any comfort at all to ya, I know what you've been through and how you feel.  Hang in there.  Take advantage of your good days and just try best that you can to get thought the bad ones. keep posting to let us know how you're doing. 

HP

5/ 8/09 11:41pm

I'll try to post more often, I am told its therapy in itself ;)  You do the same... that way if a few of us do that enough we can make our  own little self help online group ;)

 

Take care and hope to hear that you are ok too!

This is exactly why I no longer live in Oregon.  What with ten months of rain, SAD never comes to an end.  I've lived in Arizona now for three years.  Plenty of sunshine who could ask for more?  Funny thing is I still go through some SAD.  Guess it takes sometime for your brain to adjust to the differences.  We do go through Monsoon season in Mid August and it can last for about 6 - 8 weeks.  But my worse time comes in the holidays.  Just before Thanksgiving all the way through the first of the year.  They are getting better since moving to Arizona.  Even though my med's work like a charm..they don't seem to control the SAD's.  I seem to always end up in the hospital around this time of year.  Funny huh?  Not really, it's really kind of sad....no pun intended....alright the pun was intended.  I've learned that sometimes I have to laugh at myself.  Because if I let someone else laugh at me...then there is instant anger, and thats somewhere I try not to go.  I don't like being plunged into the bottom of nothingness.  Where there is voices and shadows all around me.  If I don't keep watch out, they will move in closer and closer, and I will no longer have control of my mind, my thoughts, my body.  It's terrible being trapped inside a body, watching these events take place.  Without a thing I can do to stop it.  No one hears my screams, but the voices and shadows do.  I keep trying to put my hand over my mouth, to shsss myself.  But the harder I try the worse it gets.  When I finally come back to a semblence of normalicy, days may have passed.  Or it may have just been min's, or hours.  This is when I can see the damage I've done to others, or to myself.  Why is it, that I am on two med's that control my Bipolar, but they yet have found something to control my SAD's?  Bless all who have to deal with this!

HP

5/ 8/09 11:39pm

My long-suffering life partner ended up hanging new "day" bulbs in the studio and my parents came and visited and we painted the studio brilliantly yellow and orange.   We also set up an upstairs studio so on the rare day that Michigan's winter gives way I can take in whatever sun there is.... and if NOT then I can retreat to my own sunshiny happy place.... and turn on the sun box. 

 

Moving isn't an option though... ;)