Thankful for life

By cynthia arceneaux Thursday, February 21, 2008

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I woke up on Tuesday with tubes down my throat and nose. Monday the halucinations over-powered me and I took approxomently 9000mg of seroquel. I am not sure how I got to the hospital or how the police knew I needed help. Once again I am grateful for my daughter, jenniffer, who, now matter what, always is there for me. I got home last night after telling the psch. dr that putting in the hospital would do more harm than good, I always have to be restrained for my protection, and the halucinations get worse. My daughter, who I am so lucky to have, and who has known since she was 7 when I was dx, has once again taken the time out of her life to stay with me at night, hold onto my medicine and be just a phone call away. I did a research essay on bipolar for a college class, and know in my mind that I should seek help when I get stressed, succombed to the visions and voices. I know what brought this on and am making sure I spend the next week with people as much as I can. I am a victum in a sex abuse case and will start the trial on Monday. I recently wrote a post about not sleeping, which is my biggest trigger, and knew that I was spiraling downhill, failled to accept it. Even after all these years and all the help that I have recieved, I still didn't want to accept that I was in trouble. Please if anyone out there is on a downward slide DON'T pass it off lightly. I know that I had an angel watching over me and am very glad to have a chance to go on and enjoy my life as best as I can. Thanks so much for this website, i feel that it my best support, besides Jenniffer, that I have. I know that here I can be honest and not get judged. As far as everyone else in my life, they have been told that I am having some physical problems, I am not ashamed of my bipolar, but feel that I need to protect my friend and family from the reality of the illness at times.

essay-Living with bipolar

Comments (10) | Add comment

Lidica

2/21/08 11:37am

Hello Cynthia

I just wanted to send many prayers your way for strength through the upcoming trial. I was sexually abused from the age of three to five so I understand how that changes who we are as we become adults and try to work through those emotions. One thing I learned from writing on message boards and talking to other women who have been sexually abused is that if you let it destroy your future you the abuser is still winning. I am glad you are going to trial and I know how much courage that takes. The only thing that has set me free was not to forget but to forgive my abuser. He died when I was five which stopped the abuse and my knowing that he had mental problems made it easier in someway for me to find my way to forgiveness. Whatever the circumstance the forgiveness is not to help the abuser but to help you go on with your life and frees you in many ways. Thank God for your daughter and God who sends many angels our way in our lifetime to help us get through bad times.

Lidica

2/21/08 11:58am

Cynthia I do ot know how to correct errors once you post but I was trying to say your abuser is still winning instead of you the abuser. The part I wrote about forgiveness is something I shared that has worked for me. We all have to find our way to our own healing. I wish you the very best to a wonderful life. God bless.

cynthia arceneaux

2/21/08 11:49pm

Thank you Ludica. This happened by a boss I recently had. I too was abused sexually as a child and suffer, in addition to bipolar, PTSD. When my boss did what he did it brought all that flooding back. I am thankful for the prayers. I am doing this for healing, knowing that if he is convicted he did not get away with it, and hopefully won't do it again. I believe he is a sick man, just like my father was. I am working on forgiveness. I will probably post often through this trial, i get a lot of ecouragment from the people in this community.

Lidica

2/22/08 2:18pm

I am so sorry that happened to you. I am so proud of you going to trial. I know how much courage that is taking. You are right that if a person is not stopped they will continue to sexually abuse and someone else will have to go through a terrible ordeal. I hope and pray that this will be a healing process for you. That little girl that could not stop her father is now getting the voice to stop a sexual abuser. I know for me the more I was able to get out that secret I had held for so long the less it became the big giant in the room. It amazes me now how as children we take on the guilt of things happening to us instead of putting the blame on the abuser. I wonder if you have ever thought about volunteering at a rape crisis center? It is amazing how much you can empower yourself when you are helping someone else. I am sure you have learned a lot from your experience and have much to share to help others. Just the fact that you are going to trial shows the strength and courage you now own. I know it will be hard but I know that God will watch over you and see you through. If by chance this trial seems to cause you more harm than good I hope you know that you are a winner even if you can not finish it. The main goal is that you are exposing a sexual abuser to warn others but it is your well being that is the upmost of importance. God bless you!

cynthia arceneaux

2/22/08 3:50pm

Thanks for the encoureagment, I need it today more than ever.I haven't slept in three days, I can't eat and my dr and psych wants me to go to the hospital. Right now I am at home almost sure that there will be police here with a MIW. I am in mania and almost sychodic. I am so scared of the humiliation buy this is something I MUST do for me and for that little girl all those years ago. Keep praying, I know i sure could use a lot of that. Cry

Lidica

2/22/08 4:53pm

Cynthia if your doctors are telling you to go to the hospital please go. Maybe they can help you with sleeping and take some of the anxiety away. As I said your health and your safety is more important than this trial. We have to do things in steps and you have made a gigantic step by just bringing charges against your abuser. The humilation is not your burden to bear you are the survivor I choose not to say victim. You should really feel proud of yourself for just how far you have come. I am sure there was a time you would not have made it this far. Please listen to the advice of your doctors Cynthia sometimes they are the angels God send to help us through a rough time. Many hugs and prayers going out to you!

cynthia arceneaux

3/ 2/08 3:26pm

ludicia, i went into the hospital, not because i wanted to but because may friends and family care enough to call the police. by the time they got here i don't even recall it. my daughter was called and the CIT (crisis intervention team) on the police force took over. my daughter said they were very gentle in the restraints they used and took great care in my dignity. this is a new part of our police force and i am grateful for them. i got out today. i am doing a lot better. the charges against dr nelson were dismissed, i am ok with that because i know i wouldn't be able to go through what is required. thanks for all your support and prayers. :-)cynthia

Lidica

3/ 3/08 8:56am

Hello Cynthia. I thank God for all the angels that love you and keep you safe. You made a great step just pressing charges and you know that God will take care of that situation of the trial. He knows all and people think they get away with stuff but God sees all and one day they have to face Him with their wrongdoings. What is of upmost importance is that you are better. Thank you so much for writing and letting me know how you are doing. I go to a mood disorder clinic this month and I am hoping for something to stabilize my moods. I am on the hyper moods now but my house is really clean because I have lots of energy and can catch up on what I let go while depressed. Thank God for my hubby who keeps things going when I am like that. My hubby has stopped drinking and things are going great. We intend to renew our vows next Valentine's day on our 34th anniversary. It is amazing the power of prayer as I thought by now we would be divorced. He is a wonderful person but he just had an addiction that was destroying his life and mine. Now I can focus on getting myself better. The Omega 3 is helping a lot. I probably should get off while I am on the high moods what do you think? Have a wonderful day. God bless you and keep you forever safe. Many hugs and prayers!

cynthia arceneaux

3/13/08 5:09pm

Just wanted to let you know that i have spent another week in the hospital, to adjust my meds. i am now sleeping and about as normal as I can get as far as moods are concerned. thanks for the prayers they always help. Roll Eyes

Lidica

3/14/08 12:32pm

Hello Cynthia

I am glad your hospital visit has helped your sleeping. I go for my appointment on Wednesday in the mood clinic. I am on the highs right now and sleeping about 4 hours a night. I got off all the vitamins to see if it would slow down this hyper feeling like I am running a mile a second. Without a doubt I know already I am bipolar in some form just not been diagnosed yet. So far I have been able to keep the spending down to a minimum with just things we need. I can't wait until I meet my doctor and see what she reccommends to keep me more balanced. I still prefer dealing with the highs than the depression. Many hugs and prayers as you go through your day. Send up prayers for me also that I can get my moods stabilized so I can get this business started I want to do when I retire. I am going to get back to church on Sunday. I have a hard time going when depressed. My oldest son is coming to visit next month so I am glad to be out of the depression so I can enjoy his visit. Stay in touch and let me know how you are doing. I will keep up with you on my doctor visit and how I come out. I am just really grateful they have this clinic right here in our hospital here. Thank God for the research that is going on for bipolar and mood disorders. Have a wonderful weekend! Take time to pamper yourself and be good to yourself. You deserve it!

Thankful for life

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