last weekend was when i really realized i was getting out of control again. i cant deal with my life and the decisions im making. i went and gambled away the largest paycheck ive ever gotten. and literally i needed that money because my bf and i are 3 months late on rent. he has hardly sponken to me since. he stayed out one night this week until 7am , and last night until 6am. i dont think that is fair, under any circumstances. but especially when you see the person you are supposed to love is basically going so far downhill, so fast, and then you just leave her alone to be sad and miserable ALONE. hes supposed to be by my side right now and constantly chooses his loser friends over me. it hurts so bad. in 4 years he has apoligized to me maybe 2 or 3 times, thats it, so im not expecting an apology, but he wont talk to or look at me right now, and its like im not the one who just stayed out all night and leftyou in one of your worst states alone.
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In that you recognize you are out of control and are spiraling downward, you can't deal with life, that you've made some ill minded decisions recently, and that you are acting behaviorally on your impulses...
maybe going to a pdoc asap, your local ER asap, or some other source of professional help asap to get help for the disorder and to get on some form of treatment regimen... might just help you find some sense of stability, or mind. Because, you aren't going to find it with the bf sitting there with you day and night.
Sug, I mean this with much love I do and it isn't going to read kindly I'm certain but you just have to see it - He isn't your caregiver.
You are.
I read your profile and you mention being on some meds... seriously, the need perhaps to see someone asap regarding your symptoms and the meds is something to consider. It may be that the meds aren't working up to snuff yet or are not working together well. This happens. In that you are recognizing these symptoms and how they are making you feel and how you are "out of control", seeking some professional assistance is well... something to think about.
We are all responsible for our own health and happiness. Get help and support, I agree that you should not have to be alone right now.