Downward spiral

Belle Community Member July 15, 2008

  • I am my own worest enemy, I punish myself, destroy myself and make sure that I feel as much pain and hurt as I hink that I deserve or don't derserve for the illness I have and the losses that or hardships that I have caused myself or ohers. I hate myself for being bipolar hate that I  can't get control or a grip and I hate that I can't be loved and I push everyone who loves me away and I always test there love and I hate that I hate myself so much and I hate that I am here today and I hate that I have a responsiablility to my son and I just want to giove up and I can't and I am hurt and I know that this is selfish and stuiped and wrong but I can't stop it right now I am hurt in and I just want it to stop so bad I just want it to please stop!

    I don't want to drink and so I am not so this is how I feel and so it's feel ot drink.

     

    All I am doing is being honest.

     

    Belle

     

    Just needed to get that out

2 Comments
  • dbletlk1
    Jul. 15, 2008

    Dear Belle,

    I have a history that reads like the torment for many people.  I just keep going, no matter what.  Ya know, DON'T take it out on yourself.  Look outward to express your anger, pain. Yell Scream, yell, cry, paint, garden do something to take your mind off it...anything.  I have a problem with using alcohol to self medicate. ...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    Dear Belle,

    I have a history that reads like the torment for many people.  I just keep going, no matter what.  Ya know, DON'T take it out on yourself.  Look outward to express your anger, pain. Yell Scream, yell, cry, paint, garden do something to take your mind off it...anything.  I have a problem with using alcohol to self medicate.  I'm doing pretty good at abstaining, but still have my moments. I'm actually afraid to drink because we just DO NOT know what we might say or do to hurt ourselves or others or just make our bipolar symptoms sooo much worse. Do something that will have an outcome like building, or planting, remodeling, painting walls, cutting grass, recording music with your voice, star gaze, swim ... anything.  Goal-oriented activity is soul-saviInnocentng.  I have been there with relationships, but I don't have any children.  Make him your project...do something together.  I hope you take it easy on yourself, you sound like such a nice women.  Your worth your weight in gold just like everyone of us! post to me and I'll be there to talk anytime.  dbletlk 1

  • Anonymous
    Friend
    Jul. 15, 2008

    You did the right thing by getting it out. You feel much the same way I do from time to time and it's so hard to deal with, you're so right. I really give you credit for explaining it and for being there for your son. I'm sure he needs you. Are you on meds? Do you have a counselor you can call and let them know things are worse? Bipolar and depression are the...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    You did the right thing by getting it out. You feel much the same way I do from time to time and it's so hard to deal with, you're so right. I really give you credit for explaining it and for being there for your son. I'm sure he needs you. Are you on meds? Do you have a counselor you can call and let them know things are worse? Bipolar and depression are the enemy and we have to fight them tooth and nail for all we are worth. Even though at times it doesn't seem to make a difference or feel like we will win. Look how far you've already come! You must be a strong person. Keep hanging on, even if it's by the tips of your fingers. I have faith in you. If you believe in God, hold tight to those beliefs as well. Get to the doctor though, get a medication change or something and  hopefully they can find something to help you!! Take care of yourself as best you can and keep faith that there has to be better days ahead!! Smile