Holidays

The holidays are particularly uncomfortable for me.  Since I've been diagnosed, I haven't been able to socialize as well.  Sometimes it is down right painful.  I feel I don't have anything to say, and yet the world goes on.  I feel most at home when I can talk freely without hindrances.  One on one is fine.  A group is different.  I become shy and reluctant to participate.  My mother is extremely gregarious.  A lot of times she just doesn't understand.  I'm 35 and I still feel like a little kid seeking my mother's approval.  It's never going to happen until I can approve myself.  I've always had low self esteem, but now it is magnified by my illness.  This new way of life is ludicrous.  Do I have to bow down to everyone before I can feel good?  It was never like this before.