Hey all. Thanks for your comments on this. I guess I could have been a little clearer on a couple of the facts. I realize that if it's help I am looking for then it's truth I need to disclose in order to get the proper help. So in this post I shall try and clear some things up so my original post makes more sense.
I have been diagnosed as bipolar for all of ten days now. I have suspected it for a couple of years, but never brought it up to my doctor. You might wonder why I didn't ask about it before? Well, I didn't want to come across as a hypochindriac on top of everything else. I already have a rather thick medical file, and I didn't want him to look at that, listen to what I was saying, and dismiss it as me overthinking myself. I am an intelligent person, I understand most of what I read, and I can read something and know whether or not any of it matches my own symptoms. However, my doctor doesn't know anything about me beyond my medical file and what he sees when I come to see him.
Sorry, went off on a tangent there. I have been put on Lithium and Zyprexa, added to my epilepsy medication, which is apparently also used for bipolar, Valproic Acid. I'm still taking the Citalopram and Trazodone he gave me for the depression, but I am weaning myself off the Citalopram. He told me to stay on the Trazodone for now and take it when I need it to help me sleep.
So you see, my bad decisions, which yes, were promiscuity, were not made with using bipolar as a crutch in mind. When I made the decisions I wasn't thinking of the fallout and how to deal with it. I was living in the moment, and to be honest, I didn't care too much about what happened after the fact. I was looking for the feeling of being beautiful, having someone treat me like everything I said was important. I couldn't see at those times that I had that here. I only saw the fact that I spend more time alone with my child than I do with my husband.
I was looking to find someone who would listen to my incessant babbling during those manic moments. My mind goes all over the map when I am manic, and I can't concentrate on anything for long. I talk non-stop and yet nothing makes sense. I will talk about something, make a point, and two or three sentences later go back and reopen that same subject. My husband has very little patience for this kind of thing, and I never know who to talk to who will listen and indulge, so I tend to contact all the wrong people.
I have left my husband twice in the past year, and in those times I lived the life of a single person, which is something I never had the chance to do when I was younger. I went from living at home with Mom and Dad to living with him. I don't know how to live on my own, and when I had a chance, I did the single thing. Unfortunately, there are certain parts of the single life I've been living for far too long even while married. He sees my bad decisions as something I'm now trying to pass off as decisions made due to mental illness.
Hey Nutter,
You seem like a highly intelligent person (most of us with the illness are)that has the capacity to make informed decisions. So here goes for what its worth. I don't think you were manic when you decided to sleep around on your husband as you had the ability to make an informed decision right or wrong on what you wanted to do.
Like you said...you were lonely and wanted someone to listen to your babble, the only problem with that was the person that claimed to be that person, was only looking to get one thing and you gave it to him. I would assume that you must have given yourself some reason to follow through.
Marriage is based on trust....if you violate that trust between each other, what do you really have? I can totally understand your husbands point of the lack of the there of and to the point of treating you like a child. Your not acting like an adult, so why be treated that way?
Another no-no is to create issues between spouses and their families. He did the right thing of choosing you over his family because you and your daughter are his immediate family...but that could have all been avoided and you cared that little about him to place him there in the first place to make that decision.
Personally I feel its less of a bipolar issues and more of being lonely and wanting attention, good or bad. Maybe the best thing to do is get your own apartment and live alone, I really don't know and only you can make that decision. For your daughters sake its to bad you guys can't get counseling to see if you can work through it, but from a guys prospective...I would find it hard to ever trust you again.
You mentioned that you are cycling every week...I think its more that its a cause and effect thats really taking place verses cycling. I would be willing to say that your low points are when your thinking about the damage you have created and the highs are when you say to heck with it...I am going to do as I please.
Just my take....Good luck either way