Thank you for comments on Cluster Schmuck and more of an explanation

Hey all. Thanks for your comments on this. I guess I could have been a little clearer on a couple of the facts. I realize that if it's help I am looking for then it's truth I need to disclose in order to get the proper help. So in this post I shall try and clear some things up so my original post makes more sense.

I have been diagnosed as bipolar for all of ten days now. I have suspected it for a couple of years, but never brought it up to my doctor. You might wonder why I didn't ask about it before? Well, I didn't want to come across as a hypochindriac on top of everything else. I already have a rather thick medical file, and I didn't want him to look at that, listen to what I was saying, and dismiss it as me overthinking myself. I am an intelligent person, I understand most of what I read, and I can read something and know whether or not any of it matches my own symptoms. However, my doctor doesn't know anything about me beyond my medical file and what he sees when I come to see him.

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. I have been put on Lithium and Zyprexa, added to my epilepsy medication, which is apparently also used for bipolar, Valproic Acid. I'm still taking the Citalopram and Trazodone he gave me for the depression, but I am weaning myself off the Citalopram. He told me to stay on the Trazodone for now and take it when I need it to help me sleep.

So you see, my bad decisions, which yes, were promiscuity, were not made with using bipolar as a crutch in mind. When I made the decisions I wasn't thinking of the fallout and how to deal with it. I was living in the moment, and to be honest, I didn't care too much about what happened after the fact. I was looking for the feeling of being beautiful, having someone treat me like everything I said was important. I couldn't see at those times that I had that here. I only saw the fact that I spend more time alone with my child than I do with my husband.

I was looking to find someone who would listen to my incessant babbling during those manic moments. My mind goes all over the map when I am manic, and I can't concentrate on anything for long. I talk non-stop and yet nothing makes sense. I will talk about something, make a point, and two or three sentences later go back and reopen that same subject. My husband has very little patience for this kind of thing, and I never know who to talk to who will listen and indulge, so I tend to contact all the wrong people.

I have left my husband twice in the past year, and in those times I lived the life of a single person, which is something I never had the chance to do when I was younger. I went from living at home with Mom and Dad to living with him. I don't know how to live on my own, and when I had a chance, I did the single thing. Unfortunately, there are certain parts of the single life I've been living for far too long even while married. He sees my bad decisions as something I'm now trying to pass off as decisions made due to mental illness.