One other thing about my husband before I continue with the doctor issue... Every time I go out and do something stupid, he's the one who has to run around and do damage control. His entire family hates me for things I've done, and he's more or less given them up for me. I know, I am selfish and horrible to have done this yet again to him after he made that sacrifice to me. He's once again doing damage control. I hate that he is put in that position. I hate myself for putting him there yet again. However, like I said, when I make these stupid decisions I don't think about how they're going to affect anyone else or even myself for that matter.
Back to doctors. My family doctor made a referral to get me into the mental health region here, and they called me to make an appointment for me. Keep in mind I went to see the doctor when I was suicidal. My appointment is in JUNE!!! How on earth am I supposed to go from now until June without getting this help? I spoke to the nurse there, and explained that I was being referred as opposed to being committed, and she was going to have me put on a cancellation list in case I can get in earlier. In the meantime I guess I look for my own therapist. I feel what I need is an actual psychologist for counselling, though. I don't want to be with just a social worker or counsellor. I don't know why I feel this way, but it's the way I feel about this.
I am also cycling very quickly. The week I went to the doctor I was low low low all week long, last week I was manic all week, and right now I fear I am falling again. I am mentally exhausted, and don't know what to do about it. I am going on Tuesday to look at an apartment, as I feel it's time I got out and let my husband be healthy again. He is insisting on keeping my daughter if we split up, which hurts like hell, but I'm thinking it might be best for her and for me until I am levelled out somewhat.
So there is more of my story.
Hey Nutter,
You seem like a highly intelligent person (most of us with the illness are)that has the capacity to make informed decisions. So here goes for what its worth. I don't think you were manic when you decided to sleep around on your husband as you had the ability to make an informed decision right or wrong on what you wanted to do.
Like you said...you were lonely and wanted someone to listen to your babble, the only problem with that was the person that claimed to be that person, was only looking to get one thing and you gave it to him. I would assume that you must have given yourself some reason to follow through.
Marriage is based on trust....if you violate that trust between each other, what do you really have? I can totally understand your husbands point of the lack of the there of and to the point of treating you like a child. Your not acting like an adult, so why be treated that way?
Another no-no is to create issues between spouses and their families. He did the right thing of choosing you over his family because you and your daughter are his immediate family...but that could have all been avoided and you cared that little about him to place him there in the first place to make that decision.
Personally I feel its less of a bipolar issues and more of being lonely and wanting attention, good or bad. Maybe the best thing to do is get your own apartment and live alone, I really don't know and only you can make that decision. For your daughters sake its to bad you guys can't get counseling to see if you can work through it, but from a guys prospective...I would find it hard to ever trust you again.
You mentioned that you are cycling every week...I think its more that its a cause and effect thats really taking place verses cycling. I would be willing to say that your low points are when your thinking about the damage you have created and the highs are when you say to heck with it...I am going to do as I please.
Just my take....Good luck either way