Dating A Girl With Undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder

by Clay
Wednesday, August 27, 2008

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OK, I guess since I am seeking information and doing homework it means that I care about this person greatly, which is good sign for me I think. For the past 5 months I have been dating a wonderful girl, well she's wonderful some of the time. The relationship is great...we have tons in...

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Hi Clay,
Eric
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 at 05:34 AM

  
Hi Clay,

As harsh as it may sound, she did you a favor by stopping it now verses later. Personally I feel your not thinking straight (neither did I when I was dating come to think of it) and taking this further than it really is. Take the possible illness out of the equations…you are or were in a relationship where there was a constant push pull taking place. One minute everything is ducky and then out of the blue or at least on your end its out of the blue she is as cold as ice.

When I hear someone say they need some time to find themselves its usually a copout or in their mind a gentle way of saying I am not ready to go any further or bored of the relationship their in. What some advice? Move on and enjoy life, the right gal will come along without strings attached or this immaturity you’re seeing now from this girl.

Don’t contact her again and if she does contact you….tell her to send you a postcard from where ever she is at when she finally finds herself. Is it easy to just forget what took place over the last five months? No, but chalk it up to a learning experience of what not to look for in a future relationship.

The other thing you didn’t mention was your ages….maturity comes with age. As we get older we become wiser or at least that’s the story I’m sticking too. Keep your chin up Clay and move forward. Let us know how you turn out.

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re: Hi Clay,
Clay
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 at 08:25 AM

we are both 27. i mean i know she's into me, this just came so out of left field b/c we were moving along. thank you for your advice.

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don't become that "go to" guy
Rosebud
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 at 09:09 AM

Hi Clay,

I have BPD and I know what your girlfriend is going through - the insecurities and the mood swings. They will only get worse and more frequent as she continues to give into them. Maybe she needs medication -Lamictal and Abilify work for me, but that's not for me to say. What I will tell you is that you are going to become her crutch, if you haven't already. You'll be her "go to" guy whenever life throws her a curve ball. She'll cry and want you to stroke her back and tell her that it'll all be OK. It's you & her against the world. Then, the insecurities (and embarrassment) will set in and she'll push you away. Then, things will stabilize and they'll be fine until the cycle repeats. The cycle will never end. That's why it's called a cycle. She needs to learning some coping skills to deal with the cycling and to get her through her own stressful situations. SHE has to take responsibility for her actions and behaviors and while it is admirable that you want to stand by her side and support her, dating someone with BPD is challenging. Clay, 5 months is such a short time .... you're really still getting to know each other. It's that period of infactuation. I agree with Eric. I think that you should move on. BUT, if you truly want to stay with her, then you need to set boundaries and limits for yourself and for her. If you don't do this right now, it isn't going to work and all the hard work is just going to leave both of you broken and fragil. Encourage her to get professional help ... Good luck

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re: don't become that "go to" guy
Clay
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 at 09:12 PM

to answer the first question we are both 28.

i know what set this off, it was her ex she's in business with flipping on her and pretty much firing her. pretty sure she thinks she has put me into a position to possibly do the same thing down the road. and yes on friday she did call me crying for like an hour, but the next day she was fine and sunday she was fine. on sunday i think she tried to smooth things out with him, she cares a lot...too much...way more than me. when she called she said "i have had the worst day ever." then it started with her saying she does not have time for me. i couldn't believe it and instead of arguing with her and making her day worse i got off the phone, hurt yes...but realizing that mean stuff was her illness and defense. i don't mind being there for her now and i want us to get to the point where i can recommend she get on medication...but that level is a couple of months off. i guess my question now is do i expect her to come back or what? do i keep being honest with her, she loves my level of honesty with her.

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re: re: don't become that "go to" guy
Rosebud
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 07:45 AM

My suggestion, don't push the sex - push the friendship side of the relationship, at least right now. If you don't hear from her, then you should reach out and ask, "how ya doing today?" But, don't blame everything on the disorder, tho. Sometimes that deflects from the real issues and keeps you (or her) from moving forward. If she's willing to let you, then work with her to figure out her stress triggers (like the ex) and then help create ways for her to deal with it or not deal with it as the case may be. In the end, it's going to be up you to listen and really hear what she is saying (sometimes it's what we don't say that's more important). If she looks you in the eye and says, "Leave me alone." You may just have to finally accept it and move on knowing that you gave it your best try. Good luck.

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we're not all bad apples ....
Rosebud
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 09:07 AM

Clay, This isn't directed so much to you but rather something I felt I had to say in response to reading the other comments, I would just like to say that we are not all bad apples or lost souls. We may all have been diagnosed with the same disorder, but we are all different and most of us are capable of dealing sufficiently and functioning normally in society. No one is perfect, with or without an infliction. Some of us have never had a caring person in our lives and so it is natural that we'd be skeptical, cautious and defensive with bearing our soul and giving our heart. Things are different today than 10, 15, 20 years ago .... diagnosis are more accurate, medication is more targetted and counselors and therapists are more equipped to support and help. Just because there are some out there who suffer with BPD and who refuse help does not mean that we are all unworthy of support and compasion. For God's sake, we are not homeless rejected Leopards' lying the the gutter talking to ourselves and smelling like piss. Please don't lump us all together! Some of us actually want and NEED to be loved.

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run away!
Anonymous
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 08:29 AM

I know exactly what you are going through. I ending up marrying my bipolar husband and life is a disaster. I did not know he was bipolar, thought it was just low self esteem, then depression, then ADHD, the bipolar was diagnosed, but this took 17 years and two children, one of which is following in the footsteps of heredity and I have immediately got him into the pediatrician and therapy and will not let him go down the route of his fathers. I have lost my sister and her family because of this. I feel like a baby sitter 24/7 and he is a grown man. Tired of taking his crap, it never ends and even though they get put on medication (which works wonderful) they forget to take it and the emotional roller coaster from day to day, hour to hour, is emotionally exhausting!! It never gets better, actually, just gets worse. DO NOT MARRY THIS GIRL, RUN AWAY!!! Call it quits before she ruins your life and innocent children have to grow up being put down and wondering why their mom is so mean. It does not get better and she will make you feel like crap for the rest of your life. RUN AWAY!

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40 year's of experence
sharoncookie
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 10:21 AM

RUN!!!

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re: 40 year's of experence
Clay
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 11:10 AM

I know I should run. I should note that I am an artist who's music/film career has really started to take off. Often she talks about how I stay in a good mood and she wishes she could be like me. I almost feel like she tries to bring me off my good mood to make me feel like her. The sad thing is I have let myself fall for her and I want her. Don't want to help her...but will encourage meds if she comes back. I just want to know if I should go ahead and start to get over it or if she is going to swing back and come back? There's no way a person can completely change their emotions in the matter of 4 hours right? I mean wouldn't that make everything a lie?

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Typical BDP traits...sounds very familiar!
Michele
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 11:01 AM

Hi,

I read your letter, and can't help but feel, this is typical of my mood swings, I am on cyprimil, 150mg a day, this tends to lift me a little, but is not the answer. I do need to be loved, and crave to be loved, and yet, at the same time, can shut my boyfriend out, I retreat, I don't take calls, make calls, answer the door, or phone/text/emails. I may as well be dead while I go into retreat. These are the lows of BDP, I cannot tell you how much I love Charles, who wishes to marry me, but he has a good understanding of psycology and BDP and is exceptionally strong, so he can handle me. Your girlfriend, probebly feels the same way, don't take the mood swings to heart, but accept them as part of BDP. BDP sufferers do not want to be patrionised, or questioned, this makes me in particular very angry and belittled, I tend to lash out when this happens, and it isn't pretty. I feel, this lady needs to see a good consultant, someone who has patience and an understanding of BPD. It is also worth noting, that when I suffer what I call the black times, severe depression, I useually go down with an illness, fatigue, and sleep a great deal. She may need to go away and do this, and may feel embarressed or a burden to you if you are in contact with her while she is working through this low. I explain my feelings to Charles, and tell hime everything, it works for us, as I don't want to loose him. He in turn, does the same. Suggest going to her doctor together, and explain how you feel, as this is effecting you to, and is unfair on you, there is only so much you can put up with, and if she doasn't get help, then eventually you will choose a less complicated life. I wish you both well x

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re: Typical BDP traits...sounds very familiar!
Clay
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 11:18 AM

Thank you for that reply. I mean we were doing great for the weekend and the 6 hour car ride home. Like I said she dropped me off at 5:00 and said she would be back at 9 so we could get some time together. She also told me that when she is with me she feels like she is on drugs, that she is taken way up high. So for her to call me 4 hours later and say "i love you in my life, I just don't have time for you". Our whole relationship is built on the fact that we both want to be best friends with our other...this right here makes no fucking sense to me b/c now she is just gone. I have sent one email to ask how she is doing, send her my love and let her know that I am here for her. It got ignored, so I don't get what happened. To think that she just turned all her emotions off towards me and can walk away is someting I can't believe. Sucks, but I want to think she is going to come back after a few more days.

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re: re: Typical BDP traits...sounds very familiar!
Michele
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 11:24 AM

clay,

You know what, there is just no way I would do this to Charles, I feel, she has a hidden agenda, because when love is reciprical, we are able to share everything, and that means apologising, for poor behaviour. I really would, get out of this, if she loved you, then she would ask for help 'with you' in order to improve both of your lives. I may sound harsh, and do suffer BPD myself, but I would not, treat Charles like this at all. Please, forget her, she isn't meeting you half way at all. Michele x

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re: re: re: Typical BDP traits...sounds very familiar!
Clay
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 11:31 AM

I know I need to run. It would be so much easier if Sunday would have been about an argument...there was none. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head, I mean does she think about me? Do BPD people have emotion like that? I also think about if she knows she is going to try to come back and knows I'm going to be here and that's why she is doing this. So just a clear answer, maybe odds...what are the odds she is going to try to come back? I have no experience with this at all. And it's so weird...everyone who meets her says "you got so lucky she is so sweet" and I also get "man, seeing you two together makes people feel great. you can tell by the way the two of you look at each other that you are into it"

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re: re: re: re: Typical BDP traits...sounds very familiar!
Michele
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 11:38 AM

Clay,

Just because you have BDP doasn't eliminate love, feelings, empathy, kindness, compassion. I feel, you are using BDP in this person, in order to justify her actions. Like I said, I would not, treat Charles like this, or any of my friends or family. BDP is somthing I learn to live with, that does not justify treating people badly, and am very open with everyone. Please move on!

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re: re: re: re: re: Typical BDP traits...sounds very familiar!
Clay
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 11:58 AM

i see what you are saying, but i think i left out her reasoning for acting like this. she says that i don't deserve to have to be around her when she gets into one of these moods. its happened before, but only for a couple of days. i will do what i need to do when the time comes, i just need to know from other peopel with BPD...do you eventually come back after a week or so? i mean will she remember what we were doing was fun...or is this really it? i'm a persistent guy, appoogize if i seem hard headed. i'm also not captain-save-a-ho...i just like being with her when she's on top.

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re: re: re: re: re: re: Typical BDP traits...sounds very familiar!
Michele
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 12:13 PM

Clay,

Just leave her alone and get on with YOUR life. You sound as though you are to needy, and need to take a firmer more grounded stance on life. Really, if she gets help that's great, but please stop making excuses, you will not change her, or her persona, and others will not and should not, try to change you either. Enjoy life, she really isn't bothered to much about yours, sorry, but I would get out NOW.

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re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Typical BDP traits...sounds very familiar!
Eric
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 03:19 PM

  

Clay....I had you pegged the minute you walked into this forum, this is more to do with you and less to do with her. You’re the one with the emotional clinging issues and sounds like she is doing fine hanging with the ex. You really need to move on and not get hung up on this. You are still trying to lay the break-up to her so called illness and not the real truth of… it just wasn’t working.

Honestly....you do not want to walk into a relationship when the other can't at least meet you half way. If she is having problems and you’re the go to guy during these times...I guarantee you won't be the one she heads to when feeling well again. It's going to be this on and off which you have been seeing for the past 5 months.

In Michelle's case, which is acceptable....he is the one during both times (good and bad) and she is also there for him when he needs a shoulder or maybe a nudge. You don't have that and it's a one way street. It's time to start listening to what a number of people have tried to say the best way possible...move on, or I like the best ...RUN

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re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Typical BDP traits...sounds very familiar!
Clay
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 03:34 PM

i disagree, not needy at all. i'm around woman all the time with my profession. this past weekend i played 3 sets in front of 5000 people, really at a great spot in my career. and yes, this is about her in a way and about me. i am trying to figure out what happened. we are coming off a great run without any problems like this. telling you this girl is into me, when she looks at me she smiles, eyes get bright and she bites her lip. the past weekend was great, but on sunday she called and sounded down and said "i am having the worst day ever...then more stuff" and then came the comment about "i don't have time for you in my life". so it came out of the blue, that is all i am trying to figure out. trust me i am not needy. a needy person would have already called her over and over...i have not picked up the phone once b/c i am trying to give her room. and yes, on friday i was the go to guy when she called crying her eyes out about her situation. do i like this girl, hell yes. do i know she is sick...yes. all i am doing now is trying to decide if i should give up hope or if i should look for her to call when she comes out of this. with message boards its odd b/c you can't get the entire story across, but trust me...this girl is into me...somethign happened...she got set off and now it's like she has forgotten about me. this has happened 1 time before and we pulled out of it. even on sunday she was talking about plans for her and i long down the road...i mean big things. we have fun together....but i am not needy or clingy. in our relationship she calls me more than i call her. my work comes before her, my career comes before her...wow that clingly comment got to me b/c it's so off base. but you guys are right i should just walk away and quit trying to figure out what happened and just accept that maybe i'm a loser. (joking about the loser part). in my head right now this is a power play from her. she always talks about how i constantly stay in a good mood and how that is not healthy.

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confusion
DTSB
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 04:05 PM

Hi Clay, I am sorry to hear that things are not going well for you. Bipolar is a very terrible mental disorder to have. I am bipolar and before I took medication I would get out of control and was having trouble with everything. I found a wonderful doctor and he has worked with me to find the right medication. Thank God for meds. Even though I am on medication I still get depressed and manic. There were times when I would question everything. I also see my doctor every 3 months and I enjoy my visits with him. Your ex needs to seek help. She will find that medicaiton will help her cope with life. I hope this helps. DTSB

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It's your choise
Koki
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 06:28 PM

Hi Clay, I'm a 24 years old bipolar girl. well, there is one of two ways, and its your choise. Either that you really do love her, then you're gonna be by her side. you're gonna call back and tell her how much you love her and wonna be by her side and try to ease it, try to discover her fear, try to support her. She needs your support. tell her if she needs sometime to find her self, then you're gonna always be there when she needs you. tell her to take her time. If what you're saying is right, then she is gonns come back. just give har time to overcome her mood swing. but support her. when she starts getting more stable, then its her turn to keep your relation, she has to see a psychiatrist, she has to take her meds. If she loves you, she will do her best to be her best and keep your relation and grow your love. If she didn't, then you can't do it alone. if she wouldn't try to get better, then leave her. BUT GIVE HER A CHANCE FIRST. GIVE HER SOMETIME TO OVERCOME HER MOOD SWING. GIVE HER YOUR LOVE, CARE, SUPPORT AND PATIENCE. put yourself in her situation, imagine you are her, what would you expect your beloved to do inthis situation. Or if you don't love her enough to be by her side in sickness and in health, then you have a good excuse to go away. but if you ever had a good day with this girl, then don't leave her now. she will crush if you did, and it will take her so much time and effort to grt back on her feet. for the sake of any good momment you've lived with her, don't leave her now. just give her time to be back on her feet, then when you see it a good timing, you can go.

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re: It's your choise
Clay
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 07:15 PM

trust me, no desire to leave this girl. i work a whole lot, have a day job in film and then i work on my music/film at night. she is the only person in two years that has ever made me look up from my work and go "who is this, what is she about?" hit it off pretty easy, except her fear of getting too close and me bouncing. i meet other girls all the time, that part is easy b/c of my position in a certain music scene. i don't want to know anyone else though, really into this girl and want to be her best friend and lover.

she loves it when i send her honest emails. nothing about love, just about our life, her, me and other fun things. i don't get too heavy, but i do say "when you are ready and come out of this know there is a guy waiting right outside of your shell to play some more, i'm not going anywhere." i have sent her one a day, nothing smothering...like i said i believe the honest emails are key to building her trust. i can deal with some of this and i want to get to a point where i can suggest going to see a doctor. i mean is it right of me to keep doing what was working until this episode?

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re: re: It's your choise
Clay
Friday, August 29, 2008 at 11:32 PM

so i guess this fell is finally done, i can't take it now. she called up today, sounded really low and then said "i don't want you to ever call, email or text me ever again"...."i've never liked being with you and i've never felt comfortalbe"..."nothing i ever said to you ever implicated we were in a relationship, you took it too far" (which is lie all the way around)..."i believe everything you have told me is a lie, you never planned on doing art with me"....and my favorite one yet "good luck to ou and everything you try in your life".

i was never expecting things like this. it's obvious she needs a psh and pullthat's what that is for, so i don't get it. i mean wtf would make her unload with this mean stuff? whty nbot just say "it's not woring out? why try to make me hate her? i'm so confused is she trying to make me hate her? what do i do now? i mean do i just leave her alone and when she's out she will come back. not needy at all, just love this girl.

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re: re: re: It's your choise
Eric
Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 07:12 AM

    

Clay....what part of her saying I'm not interested in you, don't you get? Everyone here has told you to move on and yet you persist to almost a point of stalking and harassment. This has never been about her...it's about you and how you handle relationships. You went looking for someone that wasn’t doing well, someone you could save and with the thinking that they would be forever in your debt.

Well...she got better and you took it further than she was interested in taking it….end of story. You really need to take a good look at yourself and the way you are viewing a normal relationship. You have up to this point, took an unhealthy relationship and dumped it on her, saying it was part of her illness and the sad fact is you still are continuing to do so by not moving on.

So I will say again….move on.

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re: re: re: It's your choise
Dalia
Thursday, September 04, 2008 at 09:34 PM

Have you ever lost your temper? what did you say then? things that you regret you said afterward when you woke up next morning, right? things that hurt people you love, right. thing you hated yourself for saying when you woke up next morning because it hurt people you would never hurt, ones you really love.

It happens.

And it happened.

being in a bipolar episode= losing your temper

if you would like people to take critical decisions in their relationship with you because of something you said while you were mad, then go ahead.

if you want to know if what she said was real and should be taken as a basis for you decision about your relationship, or it is something she said out of her illness, then you are the only one who can tell this.

if all this time you have been with her and lived your love you see is not real, then these words she spelled in a momment of illness are right.

but if you know it is true, and every momment you've lived with her was true, your love is true, then you know she is ill. and you know she doesn't really mean it, and you know why she used all these mean words and she didn't just say sorry, but we don't match. BACAUSE THIS IS WHAT EVERYONE DOES WHEN HE/SHE LOOSES HIS/HER TEMPER, HE/SHE SAYS MEAN WORDS THAT HURTS OTHERS. BUT ONLY IF THOSE OTHERS LOVE HIM, THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND AND WAIT TILL HE/SHE CALMS DOWN, PLAME HIM/HER WHEN HE/HER APPOLOGIZES, THEY FORGIVE HIM/HER, AND TWO DAYS LATTER, NOONE REMMEBERS THE ISSUE.

right?

does this cinareo sound familier?

about what to do, you can go to a pedoc. tell him about her and take his openion, he may help you bring her over and he may also help you in how to mannage her nowadays.

you may try stop talking to her, but not 100%, and see how she reacts.

it it worth a try, then try with her all what you can. and if it doesn't then drop the issue.

if i were you, i wouldn't give in this fast. true love is a thing that worths your effort to keep it, and grow it.

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re: re: re: re: It's your choise
Koki
Thursday, September 04, 2008 at 09:40 PM
Hay Clay, I'm Dalia, koki is my nick name, so sorry about the confusion, I'm just new to this group so messed up on registring
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Help
JPROSS
Sunday, August 31, 2008 at 04:25 AM

Do not do this on your own. Get professional help for yourself and for her. This is not what you think it is. It is not about your willingness to try. Or even to "do good" or " be understanding". This is not a commitment issue. It is a medical condition. It is as if both of you fell for each other... RIGHT OFF OF A CLIFF! Ouch! Injuries! Get to help as soon as possible.

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