My husband has been diagnosed as bipolar. I just need someone to talk to.
I love him with all my heart, and I know that he's dealing with it the best he can. I would never leave him, because I know if it got to that point, that's when he would need me most. But some days it's hard.
Last night for example. I got home late from a hard day at work. The only reason I got home as early as I did was because I was trying to get home before it started storming. When I pulled in, I could see the line of dark clouds, and the tornado siren was going off.
Inside, I could tell right away that it wasn't one of my husband's good days. He hasn't been doing too well lately anyway. He was irritable, I was irritable. But I tried to be patient, and I lay with him on the couch for a while.
I didn't realize it until I sat back up that laying with him was keeping him from having a seizure (related to bipolar, his doctor says the seizures are psychological). I grabbed his hand to let him know I was there.
But as I sat there with him, instead of being concerned about him, or feeling sorry for him, instead I felt annoyed. I was in a bad mood, the tornado sirens were going off again, the weather outside was looking really bad, and it was not a good time for him to have a seizure. At the same time, I was angry at myself. He can't help it. I'm supposed to be there for him, to be loving and supportive.
I just can't help but feel like I want to give up sometimes. I won't. I know he needs me. When he does have these seizures (which aren't as common as it sounds above), the only thing that really relaxes him and brings him back is me being there. His friends have tried to help him during an episode before, and they ended up getting punched. But it's more than just that. He has to be really bad to get to that point. I try to watch out for it, but I'm in the thick of it with him, and it can be really hard to see. Many times, I think it's me, that I'm depressed (which is also possible).
I don't feel like I have anyone that I can talk to about this stuff. I feel like a bad person, a bad wife, for not always being caring and sympathetic.