Find it hard to deal with husband's bipolar sometimes

By Michelle Wednesday, June 16, 2010

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My husband has been diagnosed as bipolar. I just need someone to talk to.

I love him with all my heart, and I know that he's dealing with it the best he can. I would never leave him, because I know if it got to that point, that's when he would need me most. But some days it's hard.

Last night for example. I got home late from a hard day at work. The only reason I got home as early as I did was because I was trying to get home before it started storming. When I pulled in, I could see the line of dark clouds, and the tornado siren was going off.

Inside, I could tell right away that it wasn't one of my husband's good days. He hasn't been doing too well lately anyway. He was irritable, I was irritable. But I tried to be patient, and I lay with him on the couch for a while.

I didn't realize it until I sat back up that laying with him was keeping him from having a seizure (related to bipolar, his doctor says the seizures are psychological). I grabbed his hand to let him know I was there.

But as I sat there with him, instead of being concerned about him, or feeling sorry for him, instead I felt annoyed. I was in a bad mood, the tornado sirens were going off again, the weather outside was looking really bad, and it was not a good time for him to have a seizure. At the same time, I was angry at myself. He can't help it. I'm supposed to be there for him, to be loving and supportive.

I just can't help but feel like I want to give up sometimes. I won't. I know he needs me. When he does have these seizures (which aren't as common as it sounds above), the only thing that really relaxes him and brings him back is me being there. His friends have tried to help him during an episode before, and they ended up getting punched. But it's more than just that. He has to be really bad to get to that point. I try to watch out for it, but I'm in the thick of it with him, and it can be really hard to see. Many times, I think it's me, that I'm depressed (which is also possible).

I don't feel like I have anyone that I can talk to about this stuff. I feel like a bad person, a bad wife, for not always being caring and sympathetic.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (My Bipolar Husband)

Comments (6) | Add comment

very bipolar

6/19/10 3:41am

You are doing your best. No one is superhuman. It does take a lot to put up with a bipolar loved one. All you can do is your best everyday. Somedays are better than others. You are there for him and not leaving. Is he getting all the help he needs from his therapist? I am going weekly when I leave her I fell much better. This past weeks with her have changed my whole outlook. I am feeling now I can live with this whatever it throws at me. Sorry he has seizures too that makes it double hard. You are great just hang in there.

wiper blades

6/20/10 8:11am

It does take a lot to put up with a bipolar loved one. All you can do is your best everyday. Somedays are better than others.wiper blades

Sadwife

7/ 8/10 3:59pm

I can relate to how you feel. My husband has bipolar as well and there are times that I feel I absolutely can't take it anymore. He goes back and forth from loving husband who is trying everything he can to get better to mean and verbally abusive husband who is quitting all his programs and medications. It is extremely exhausting and I have contemplated leaving more than I can count. I don't have anyone to talk to either, but that is by choice. My family doesn't fully understand because it takes a tremendous amount of education to understand bipolar and I am too ashamed to bring it up with friends. I am in the process of trying to find a support group or a therapist that can help me cope. I can't say that I will never leave my husband because I want to be happy and happiness with a husband with bipolar that can't seem to be stabilized is an unrealistic dream. I am at a loss as to what to do with myself. I know if I stay that it is an uncertain future because I don't know if doctors will ever be able to help him feel better but I know that if I go I will doom him. I know if I leave he will quite trying and that will probably lead to a life of self medication through drugs and alcohol with absolutely no chance for a future. Please feel free to message me if you ever want to to talk about what it is like to have a bipolar husband. Take care.

Michelle

7/ 8/10 5:50pm

Thank you so much for your reply. Knowing that there's someone out there that feels the same way I do helps.

I know what you mean about not having anyone to talk to by choice. I was raised in a household where the common thought was that there is no such thing as mental illness, it's just a weakness. So I don't feel like I can confide in anyone on my side of the family. On my husband's side of the family, I don't feel like that's something I can talk to his two brothers about, his mother has dementia, and his sister is taking care of both their mother and her mother in law, so I don't want to increase her burden any more. Friends know, but they don't understand enough to really be able to talk to them about it.

I'm hesitant about looking for a support group. I think my husband feels ashamed about it, and I'm afraid it will make him worse if he knows how much it's affecting me. He does know that some days it's hard to cope with, and he understands. Many times he'll look back at a bad day and apologize to me for it. I also don't have health insurance, and I make too much too qualify for most free services, so I don't know how I would pay for my own sessions with a therapist. My husband gets his medical services through the VA, since he's a war veteran.

I know what you mean about dooming him if you leave. My husband didn't exactly get on perfectly when I met him. In fact, when we were dating, he had just moved back in with his parents. But the bipolar wasn't all that evident then, it got considerably worse after his dad died and his mom was diagnosed with dementia. But I know what he's really like, and in the overall scheme of things, I can take the bad days as long as I get good days too. That's just a hard thing to objectively look at when we're on a bad day.

Sadwife

7/ 9/10 9:23am

It does feel good to know that there are other people out there dealing with the same issues and feeling the same way. My husband used to be ashamed too, and to some degree still is but he has done a great job of putting that shame aside and recognizing that getting better is more important. I don't know what kind of help your husband is getting but my husband has been working on it for years and is still struggling. I tell you this because I want you to be realistic about the treatment. I think in most cases trial and error is the only way that you will find something that works. Trial and error is even more frustrating for the bipolar patient than it will be for you. My husband has threatened to give up a thousand times because nothing is working but I remind him each time, as gently as I possibly can, that if he gives up than there is no point in me trying anymore either. We have come to an agreement that as long as he continues with the doctors and the therapy and the medications I won't leave him alone. The moment he decides he is quitting those I told him I would be forced to pack my bags because he has ruined any hope of getting better. This seems to keep him from following through with his threats.

I am still not great at dealing with this disorder even after several years of practice but the advice that seems to work best for me is to not engage when it is really bad. You can't reason with a bipolar person when they are in the throws of mania. My husband often does not make sense and does not have rational thoughts. He accuses me of wildly innacurate things and blames me for everything that is wrong. I can never do anything right and he has no idea why he is with me. I have tried to talk to him about it in the moment and it just seems to make it worse. You will not get someone experiencing mania to see things on your level so I am teaching myself to stop trying. I am instead in a very calm voice saying "obviously we can't talk right now so I am going to take some time for myself and I will be back later and we can try again, I love you". If you decide to try this you need to make sure you don't leave in anger because he will see that as abandonment, which can be a big issue for bipolar patients. I always try to leave positive and let him know I will be back.

As I said, even after years of practice this illness is still very difficult to deal with. If you can't go to a support group then use this website as your defacto support group. I would be happy to talk anytime you feel like you need someone who understands what you are going through. Take care of yourself and stay in touch.

amy2010nicole

8/14/10 5:30pm

I am confused on what to do as well. I have fallen in love with someone that is bi-polar just accepted it recently. His father is bi-polar and the love of my life is bi-polar as well. He opened up and talked to his father last night night. We went from him hugging me and telling me how sorry he was for always pointing the finger on me and running from all the problems and asking me to be with him while he seeks help. His father is talking and discussing his thoughts and opinions and you can tell that my loved one is getting irritated I seen it, and then he went into a state of meditation I would call it, came out of it and he was saying he is basically threw with me. When he is in a upper stage I am the love of his life there is nothing more special than me, when he is in a lower state I am horrible. He loves me and then he is ready to leave back and forth. He left today said that he needs to get away and then it went too where not meant to be together. I am confused and I love him so dearly. What do I do?

Find it hard to deal with husband's bipolar sometimes

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