Things have been going really well for my partner and me. We had a great Christmas and New Year, the best we have had in our 4 year relationship. He has been managing his illness and taking responsibility for it. He has been really trying. ............ Then why can't I get rid of this fee...
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Good job on your hard work.
Hopeful mom
Monday, January 07, 2008 at 04:47 AMre: Good job on your hard work.
Rusty
Monday, January 07, 2008 at 06:00 AMThanks HM,
He has never been unfaithful to me while we have been together (that I know of) so I should give him the benefit of the doubt as you said. He is working tonight so we can't talk about it now. It will have to wait until tomorrow. Probably just as well...the paranoia might have settled by then.
I feel for your sister. My property and children's issues took 2 years to settle. My ex wanted to have the kids (not because he loved them) but because he wouldn't have to pay child support and he was lonely after his young blonde dumped him! I settled property a year ago and that was a huge relief. He finally got over fighting for the kids....they didn't want to go! If he had taken it further they would have had to fight their father in court for their own custody and have their own lawyers....the legal system sucks! It cost us $40,000 Aus in legal fees as it was. Quite frankly if he was having a midlife crisis...buying a red sports car would have been cheaper and a lot less damaging for everyone....but then again its wasn't his wallet or his brain doing the thinking....!!? I could not believe the lies I was told...unbelievable and I believed every one of them because I trusted him. Its hard for me to trust now....and I hope gradually that will come back, the more confident I become in my relationship now. Thanks for your support. Rusty
replyre: re: Good job on your hard work.
Hopeful mom
Monday, January 07, 2008 at 07:13 AMYeah my sister's been seeing someone for the last 6 months or so and she has trust issues as well. I keep telling her to stop talking herself out of it and enjoy it. She has a rough road ahead. Her ex is a good dad. He wants half custody so he doesn't have to pay child support, but he does love his kids and they love him. What he doesn't realize is that even though he's not paying child support (when it's settled), he will still have to pay daycare and medical care and school lunches and for clothes. Plus he's going to have to pay half the mortgage until their house is sold. He's so dumb he's spending all this money in legal fees and will wind up having to pay more than he's paying now.
Anyway, I hope everything works out for you. Take care of yourself and vent any time.
replyResearch on shared care
Rusty
Monday, January 07, 2008 at 09:56 PMHey HM,
There some new research which was done by Jennifer MacIntosh of Latrobe University . It is worth looking into this research as it might help your sister's case.The following is an excerpt from the Age newspaper20/12/07
"Professor McIntosh reported on two recent studies that tracked children's wellbeing after a difficult divorce. One involved 181
children and the other 111 children. In the latter study,28% of the children were clinically distressed four months after their parents' court case ended. Living in substantially shared care, being unhappy with those arrangements, and having parents in conflict were associated with poor mental health. "One of the other realities of shared care is that it's less stable," she said. "It very often breaks down. Older children vote with their feet and say, 'I don't want to do this any more'.
My concern is for the little kids who can't vote and have to live in these conditions of sharing their time between two enemies." She said the concept of substantially
shared time five or more nights a fortnight with the"other" parent was now being applied to very young children, with 21% of shared-care children in one study
aged under four. Babies and toddlers are developmentally unsuited to shared care. She said the new law "tried to do good things. It tried to say that relationships with fathers are important, and they are. My data shows that too. But, inadvertently, these changes seem to be creating
new difficulties." I have the full report if you send an outside email. R
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Hi Rusty,
Eric
Monday, January 07, 2008 at 07:21 AMHi Rusty,
Congrats on the Masters Degree….that’s a huge accomplishment and you should be beaming for being able to complete it. Trust and relationships…of course you are going to have trust issues for awhile with what your ex did to you, only natural. With this new relationship I would suggest going slow and enjoying dating and not getting to serious at this point.
You need time to heal from all the BS you have been through mentally, physically and financial. I feel if you were to jump back into any real serious relationship at this time, it will only lead to failer. It’s time to take care of yourself and love your kids not be wrapped up in a bunch of crap worrying about whether this man is faithful or not.
I would continue to see him, enjoy dating and dinners without becoming too invested at this point and if he is willing to pay the check at dinner, all the better. Crawl, walk then run. Does this make any sense?
replyre: Hi Rusty,
Rusty
Monday, January 07, 2008 at 07:13 PMThanks Eric, it does make sense.
I need my space and even over Christmas, although it was lovely, I just wanted to be one my own for while...something I rarely get. You are right as usual.I will take things easy and be a bit careful and kind to myself. I was 49 on Jan 1st...you'd think I would have learnt by now. Thanks for the support. Rusty
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Congrats...
Judy
Monday, January 07, 2008 at 09:00 AMon your degree, you must feel very accomplished indeed. Nothing much I can think of to add to what Eric and Hopeful Mom have already said. Trust yourself, communicate honestly, and remain hopeful that things will work out. I just wanted you to know that I read your post and have compassion for what you are going through. All the best to you....Judy
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I am happy you've finished your work for your degree. I took 7 years to earn a bachelor's because I was raising 2 kids and working full time at the same time. It was worth it though. I had such a sense of accomplishment when I finished.
In regards to your partner, you probably ought to just tell him your concerns.
Did your past with him involve infidelity? Trust him unless he gives you reason not to. But if he has a problem with being faithful, then you shouldn't let him use bipolar as an excuse.
My ex brother in law made so many excuses for the affairs he had on my sister. It was always her fault which was ridiculous considering she gave him sex whenever he wanted it. The worst excuse he gave was when he was sleeping with someone while our mom was dying because my sister was "emotionally unavailable". How freaking cold-hearted is that? I shut myself off from my family for months. She kept functioning much better than I did but of course it couldn't be his fault he couldn't keep it in his pants now could it?
After 3 years of counselling to get past that, she found some phone records that led her to believe he was having another affair. He called the same number about 10 times a day and when she called it, it was a young woman on the phone. They both denied having an affair and claimed they were just friends but after the history she'd just had enough.
He still can't accept responsibility for his actions. When she wouldn't forgive him again, he got nasty and hired a lawyer. He's trying to take her kids away. This has been going for 2 years.
It still amazes me how someone can act so horribly and do things they'd never forgive in their partner and be in such denial about their responsibility in the matter.
I hope for your sake that your partner can explain where he was in a way that is acceptable to you and I hope that he's smart enough to realize what he has (a truly loving and supportive partner) and would do anything to keep you happy.
Take care my friend.
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