Will he ever be there for me WHEN I NEED HIM?

By Rusty Wednesday, February 13, 2008

- A
- A
- A

I spend a lot of time trying to understand my partner's BP and help him in whatever way I can. He has been well for about 8 months now with treatment. Anyway, this week I have been sick....suspected kidney stone ( pain and discomfort)and generally feeling not okay. I have kept working, kept my single parent household going, fed everyone and kept ahead of the washing( and its been pouring rain)...etc.

So what does my BP partner do when I am sick? He goes back to his house, he plays golf, surfs. ( My cynical self says that he thinks "Well she's sick...there will be no sex so I might as well not go over to her house...no point) You know I really don't think its too much to ask for him to be here to look after me sometimes. I really wonder whether he is capable of ever looking after me if I need it or whether his needs and the needs of his illness will always be more important. I am almost 50 years old. There will be times in the future where I would like to be able to depend on him. I don't know if that's ever going to happen. Any slight stess and he is "Gone". Is he capable of giving to me when I need it or will it always be about him! You know there are times when he is so loving, kind and generous but when I really need him....he's not here for me.

He's sick again.

Comments (8) | Add comment

Eric

2/13/08 4:44am

Hey Rusty,

Sorry to hear your not feeling well. In response to your question I think you need to look at it differently. You are relating his behaviors to the illness as excuses when sometimes it’s just straight up personality traits involved. He is a smuck and inconsiderate of the people around him. His life is about him and only what he wants and not the needs of others.

The majority of people that I know that are bipolar are just the opposite in that they are in tune with their surrounding such as I am. We tend to be the first there when someone is in need and the first to give because we already know what it feels like to be sick, depressed and usually been without before.

Take the bipolarism away and take a good look at him. The only time he shows up is for sex and when you’re sick he is out enjoying life….sounds like someone I would want to spend the rest of my life helping and catering too…. Not. I think its time to pull the blinders off and catch a real man that can be there for you. Take care of yourself first and hopefully you will pass those stones soon if that is the issue.

Rusty

2/13/08 5:04am

Thanks for your wonderful honesty and words of wisdom Eric. I hope I will feel better in a few days.....then I will have a better think about the relationship. Maybe time for some second thoughts. R

Hopeful mom

2/13/08 7:13pm

Honestly my husband just carries on with life as usual unless I say to him, "Hey hun I'm struggling. Can you help me out?" Then I have to tell him exactly what I do need because he will never figure it out on his own.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that they're in awe of us and how much we really can take care of everything even when we're not feeling so well. Never hurts to ask and honestly if someone cares about you they should want to do what they can to help you.

Hope you feel better soon.

Rusty

2/14/08 1:17am

You are right HM,

He knew I was sick but it probably NEVER occurred to him that I might need help. I think I do bring it on myself. My ex husband thought he never needed to do anything.....the magic fairy(me) would just magically make it all happen without effort, so he never needed help. I guess because I am sensitive to the needs of others I just can't figure out that this might be difficult if not impossible for some men. I panic because I think the old pattern (from my ex marriage) is coming back again. I am afraid that my spelling it out will trigger a bad reaction from him. I know that I really have to get better at S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G it O-U-T! I don;t know why I thought this man might be different! Silly me! Better to spell it out than to have it simmering under the surface...that will really spell the end of the relationship. Thanks R

tabby

2/13/08 7:47pm

I was going to ask the same thing as Hopeful Mom.

Did you say "Hon I really don't feel well and I'm in a lot of pain. Is there anyway you could possibly stop by here and help me with a few things I need?" Did ya, did ya?

You didn't say that you asked and he bailed so I was wondering. More than likely you didn't, you just assumed he would. Most men, that I know, are as Princess Di once was called "thick as a plank" even those without BP. They simply don't see the need unless it slaps them in the face.

Also, you really can't necessarily blame him for not "being there" to help you when you yourself said that even while sick and in pain you kept everything going. As long as you do this then most will not see you needing anything from anyone.

Oh and the sex thing... I believe a report shows that men think of sex every, what is it?, 15 minutes - I think. So, if you are sick and in pain then yeah he probably knew you wouldn't be interested. I used to hate my husband because even in the midst of emotional turmoil, he'd want to go at it, I wouldn't, and he'd get mad and stomp off like a 3 year old with his bottom lip poked out and wouldn't speak to me for 3 days. I've come to realize that it is just them being them cause it's all about them.

Rusty

2/14/08 1:25am

Thanks Tabby,

No I didn't specifically ask....you are right! A good sledge hammer over the head might be what it takes to make the obvious clear to him. The two year old tantrums we have had before! I know exactly what you mean. It just makes me mad that he might think its not worth coming over if there isn't a constant "reward" for him. The trouble is that if I start and argument with him you can't win. It triggers his anger and a tirade of verbal abuse which always goes around in circles and ends up with me to blame. I try to avoid confrontation but I need to work on some gentler techniques to "encourage" his participation and sensitivity to the needs of others. Thanks for you input....R

2/16/08 7:59pm

Sometimes that how I feel with my husband! I am always the one taking care of everything. I don't want to sound dumb but I am the woman and I really would love for him to take care of me at times. He has a great support system and sometimes I feel like he abuses it. My husband does have his dizty moments and usually when I'm upset he didn't step up to help me with something he tells me it never occurred to him that I needed help. So I would agree that you need to ask.... but I just want to say I understand your frustration. Hope you feel better soon.

Rusty

2/17/08 5:32am

I really have to become more assertive. My 15 year old daughter is and I have been really careful NOT to stamp that out of her. The other night she said to my partner " Mike let me tell you about what it means to be a good boyfriend.........my mummy was sick this week and you should have been there to look after her....."! From the mouths of babes! I'm so glad I encouraged that assertiveness in her. Thanks for your comment....sometimes I wonder if some men are even on the same planet as the rest of us!

Will he ever be there for me WHEN I NEED HIM?

Ask a Question