Well the bubble has finally burst!. He had been well for more than 9 months, the longest time in our 4 year relationshipI guess I saw the signs a few weeks ago...... Spending an incredible amount of time at golf, surfing, cards, not coming over,completely ignoring our relationship, being very self indulgent and self centred, complaining about the kids( who adore him and he them usually). a three day growth. I mentioned to him a few weeks ago that I had observed that these were signs he may be becoming unwell. He went to the pdoc. They had "a chat".
Anyway, last night after an absolutely exhausting week for me at work and with kids, he invited me over to dinner with 8 of our friends. When I said I had to pick my daughter up from sport and would be late I could feel the change in his voice. If he hadn't asked our friends I would not have gone over. The warning signs told me that it was not a good night to be together. Before I went, I made sure I had enough money for a taxi home because I have been stuck before during one of his episodes and its not pleasant to be there. The night went well, while everyone was there. At the end of the night, I was absolutely exhausted ( I'm head of dept and its very very demanding. Friday nights I have nothing left). He wanted sex. I said "Darling I'm exhausted, can we wait until the morning." Well that was the trigger! I did not stay to argue. I got a taxi home. I have just had 4 phone calls...accusing me of all kinds of irrational things..one of them was "not putting enough effort into the relationship". He has no kids, works at a very easy job, plays golf all week and surfs and I'm supposed to do all the running around in the relationship. It was the usual, repetition, circles, accusations, ultimatums, controlling, demanding, irrational conversation he has when he is sick. I said "This is the kind of conversation we have when you aren't well" He just couldn't see it.
Everything was all my fault, I should be used to it by now. The trouble is that I can never get used to these conversations and I never stop being hurt by them even though I know they are part of his illness and I wonder if I will ever be strong enough to not be hurt and upset by his episodes and strong enough to sustain this relationship during these times, for the rest of my life.
He always becomes unwell at Easter. We have not been together for a single Easter. I talked to his pdoc. and warned him that this was coming up to a bad time of year for my partner. He is on a low dose of antidepressant and nothing else. Anyway its happening again and I hate it. I guess I'm disappointed because he was doing well with the mindfulness techniques and we have just " crashed and burned!"
Is there anything I can do right now or is it best to stay away from him? Is there anyway when I saw the warning signs that I could have prevented or offset this episode.? Is there anyway I can stop myself feeling hurt and upset by this? I'm glad I have somewhere to go to talk about this.
R
