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He's sick again.

By Rusty Friday, March 14, 2008

Well the bubble has finally burst!. He had been well for more than 9 months, the longest time in our 4 year relationshipI guess I saw the signs a few weeks ago...... Spending an incredible amount of time at golf, surfing, cards, not coming over,completely ignoring our relationship, being very self indulgent and self centred, complaining about the kids( who adore him and he them usually). a three day growth. I mentioned to him a few weeks ago that I had observed that these were signs he may be becoming unwell. He went to the pdoc. They had "a chat".

 

Anyway, last night after an absolutely exhausting week for me at work and with kids, he invited me over to dinner with 8 of our friends. When I said I had to pick my daughter up from sport and would be late I could feel the change in his voice. If he hadn't asked our friends I would not have gone over. The warning signs told me that it was not a good night to be together. Before I went, I made sure I had enough money for a taxi home because I have been stuck before during one of his episodes and its not pleasant to be there. The night went well, while everyone was there. At the end of the night, I was absolutely exhausted ( I'm head of dept and its very very demanding. Friday nights I have nothing left). He wanted sex. I said "Darling I'm exhausted, can we wait until the morning." Well that was the trigger! I did not stay to argue. I got a taxi home. I have just had 4 phone calls...accusing me of all kinds of irrational things..one of them was "not putting enough effort into the relationship". He has no kids, works at a very easy job, plays golf all week and surfs and I'm supposed to do all the running around in the relationship. It was the usual, repetition, circles, accusations, ultimatums, controlling, demanding, irrational conversation he has when he is sick. I said "This is the kind of conversation we have when you aren't well" He just couldn't see it.

 

 Everything was all my fault, I should be used to it by now. The trouble is that I can never get used to these conversations and I never stop being hurt by them even though I know they are part of his illness and I wonder if I will ever be strong enough to not be hurt and upset by his episodes and strong enough to sustain this relationship during these times, for the rest of my life.

 

He always becomes unwell at Easter. We have not been together for a single Easter. I talked to his pdoc. and warned him that this was coming up to a bad time of year for my partner. He is on a low dose of antidepressant and nothing else. Anyway its happening again and I hate it. I guess I'm disappointed because he was doing well with the mindfulness techniques and we have just " crashed and burned!"

 

Is there anything I can do right now or is it best to stay away from him? Is there anyway when I saw the warning signs that I could have prevented or offset this episode.? Is there anyway I can stop myself feeling hurt and upset by this? I'm glad I have somewhere to go to talk about this.

R

A horrible MONSTER is masquerading as my PARTNER
3/14/08 9:06pm
You made a wise choice in not living with him.  I think you're handling it all very well.  If you have the strength, just hold on and know that it will pass.  Ultimately, you know what you're in for and this is the way it's going to go.  He needs to be responsible for himself and for making amends for his behavior.  It's exhausting,to say the least, just dealing with the extreme mood swings.  Nobody would think badly of you if you decide to get off this roller coaster.  If you continue riding it, we're here for you.  You did exactly the right thing in leaving and it's up to you if you want to talk to him right now or not.  The good thing about it is they do feel bad for their behavior after it's passed.  He might not admit it or say it out loud but he does appreciate you for being the one he can count on and he'll most likely be particularly loving and attentive once it passes.
3/14/08 10:05pm

Thanks for being part of my safety valve HM.  Putting up a post and wandering around doing my housework in my dressing gown, crying...seems to help too. I just need to let it all out sometimes.

 I'm not going to see him, at least not for a few days. I wonder if he'll remember the horrible things he said and have an awareness that what happened was caused by the illness and not me. I think he is having a mixed espisode preceding depression which comes on in Winter. We are supposed to be going to Bali in May but I really don't want to be over there if this happens because I have nowhere to go to get away and I certainly don't want to be in a third world country feeling like I do today.

Anyway it confirms to me that we can never marry, live together or pool our finances. I have to protect myself and I can only ever rely on myself. He is not strong enough to support me emotionally. It's disappointing but that's the reality. This relationship will only survive with a degree of separation and my independence. He often talks about buying a house together. I would love that dream but the warning bells go off in my head...! Thanks for being here for me. R

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By Rusty— Last Modified: 12/15/10, First Published: 03/14/08