A horrible MONSTER is masquerading as my PARTNER

Rusty, you have hung in there and been through this before. You know the illness has too sides and they play around with each other. God knows, I have been there before but thankfully my hubby understands this and is always there waiting for the real me to show up. I'm thankful that I don't drink, smoke, do drugs except for the mood stabilizer, and I haven't spent the family fortune (well there really isn't a fortune but you know what I mean). Others aren't so lucky and their significant others have to put up with a heck of a lot more than my husband does. Medication and therapy are key ingredients in keeping this illness on the right track and I have become religious to keep them going.

Right now I am playing the role of caregive because my husband is really hurting from a herniated disc in his neck and is in agony 24/7 going on three weeks now. He is facing surgery and another 6 weeks out of work. We have no money coming in from his end and are fighting to get a little. So far, his company is only offering $43 a day which is an insult considering how much he makes. I am doing my part to show him I can be a "normal" person by keeping up with my meds and therapy while continuing to work full time while running the household and taking care of him. It's really putting a lot of stress on both of us but I refuse to give into this illness and that's where the problem is with a lot of bp people. They get into this self-pity mode where they think everyone else is at fault and they are doing nothing wrong. A lot of us with this illness use it as an excuse to get away with stuff that has no right being blame on the bipolar. Some people are the way they are even without the illness. It's hard to do but you have to learn to recognize the difference between the illness realities and the regular behaviors of someone. 

I can remember thinking before that everyone was "crazy" for thinking that there was something wrong with me. I wasn't just being a witch, I truly thought that's how it was. My husband knew this and gave me my space to work through it even though at times he probably would have loved to just try and knock some sense in my head and give me a reality check. I had to learn that I did need medicine and I did need therapy to learn how to deal with the episodes without pushing everyone I loved and who loved me away. It was a battle and at times still is but the meds and therapy are a must. 

If the "ugly" side of me comes through at some point he knows I am responsible for my actions but it's not the real me coming through and he has learned to put it all aside even though I can hurt him at times when I am going through a bad period. Personally I usually don't realize what a jerk I have been until after the fact. I love him and he loves me but understanding and willingness to work hard at it is what helps us deal. I have always told him that if it gets too bad he has every right to walk away but he says he never will because the "beast" will go back into the cave and the "sweetie" will come back out. It takes a tough person to put up with us and I know some people can't help it.

You sound like a real fighter and if you can handle the crap that comes with it you will be ok. Verbal abuse can hurt as much as physical but we are a couple who are lucky enough to have learned to overcome it. But if there was any physical abuse I told him to not even try to put up it just as I would never let anyone do that to me. Thank god it has never happened. We both agree that bipolar is an illness and I do take responsibility for it, but it is not an excuse to let things get too out of control. It's a rollercoaster ride, that's for sure.

Just try to hang on if you can. The beast is in there but so is the other person, the one you love. It's the love and the rational side that has to put that beast back in it's cave. Good luck, you deserve the best and I believe you can get it. He can find a way to take responsibility for the illness but he has to first accept it and whatever treatment plan is determined that he needs. If he does't accept the fact that he has this and take on the responsibility, then it won't work.

If my hubby and I weren't totally committed to fighting this thing, I would have told him to move on but he wants to stay by my side and help me. I have shown him by taking on the role of caregiver to him that I can be a responsible "normal" person at a time of crisis like we are having without letting the beast take over. I thought this whole thing would either turn me into a total depressive vegetable or a raging maniac but it hasn't and I am concentrating on keeping it stable. Your partner has to learn to take responsiblily and fight the beast. However, you have to do what is right for you. If you can't handle it right now then you have to take some time to take care of yourself.  You need to put yourself first because you won't do any good to him if you get yourself sick over this. Good luck and I am pulling for you.

Dear Mary Lou,

You have no idea how your words of advice have helped me tonight. It is good to hear it from your( and his) perspective.  I managed to get on to his pdoc today but I have to ask his permission to go to his next appointment on Thursday. I'm not sure if he'll allow it. He text messaged me today to say he was fine and not to worry because his future would be great. He said I was the one with the issues and problems. How it can get that twisted I don't know. He fancies himself as an amateur psychologist/psychiatrist when he is hypomanic and I just don't seem to ever get the ink blots right.  I think in some ways you're right. He has been able to get away with some pretty bad habits of treating previous partners which I won't allow. Fortunately we don't live together so at least I can  leave if it gets too much or I fear it might get out of hand. I would really like him to try some medication. We have perservered with mood control methods and its not holding him although he has really tried.  Anyway I will wait patiently for my "sweetie" to return it can be anywhere from weeks to months from experience. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and for sharing your story with me. It really means a lot to me right now. R