He's sick and I'm miserable. Its so hard. Not only am I the one who does the caring and the worrying and the loving but I'm also the frontline for his bipolar abuse and target practice. I know....He can't help it. It's the bipolar talking.....It's the bipolar who has stolen the one I love and a horrible imposter is masquerading as him!
He's not talking to me at the moment. He has ended the relationship for the umteenth time.....I'm not putting enough effort into the relationship, I'm selfish, my children are rude, kitchen cupboards ( for heaven's sake) are disorganised ( and NONE of this is true). The trouble is that he in his pyschosis thinks it is true. He does not think he is sick. He thinks NOTHING is wrong with him and that EVERYTHING is wrong with me. I have used all the things I have learnt on this site. Gentle reminders that he may be unwell, asking him to see his specialist. Trying to speak to his specialist ( a seemingly impossible task)...they are easy to get in to see when he is well! I don't know what else to do. I feel so hurt, so lost and I guess I though, even for a while we could have a "relatively normal" relationship as long as he accepted the diagnosis and was under a specialist. I guess I haven't really seen the person I love for a while at least a few months and now the crunch has come. I am mourning having a relationship which is based on mutual help and caring. It's just not going to happen and I wish there was a magic wand that would make this horrible thing go away. I think he needs more than just postive self talk and mood control. He needs medication. I don't know how much longer I can hold on and deal with the self centredness that comes with this disorder. Sometimes I think it really is WHO he is.....selfish, uncaring and demanding, motivated only by his own self fulfilment and only acts lovingly to get what he wants. I feel so lost right now. I don't really want to go back but I don't want to go forward either. I'm stuck. Having HIM not talking to ME is really hurtful. I have been with him on this journey to wellness and been supportive and caring always....but I think I'm over it. I can't keep this up for the rest of my life. Its not like having a child or parent with BP. This is a special relationship and its really hard to stay romantically attached to someone who tries to hurt you. R
