The episode is over. It was awful. He is over it and we have talked about it and reflected on it. He has said that if I see that happening again, I am to leave immediately and I am to turn my phone off for 2 days. He has said "sorry" and that I did nothing wrong, for the first time since I met him. He said its like there's a hurricane in his head. I saw this episode evolving over a two month period. I very gently said that I was seeing signs of him becoming unwell. He went to the doctor. It still progressed in the usual way. It was unstoppable. I can predict it down to the phase of explosion. It's horrible bracing yourself for what you know is going to come and being totally powerless to stop it. He turns into someone I don't know. He said lights flash in his head and he has no realisation he is sick only that everyone( me) else is to blame for everything.
This time for the first time he seems to have come out of it quickly. That is something positive. The usual pattern is that he ends to relationship and disappears for between 3 weeks and 3 months.
He says the most awful things. I am not sick and even though I know he is, I can't help feeling as though I have been run over by an express train. I can't help feeling emotionally exhausted and I can't help worrying what the future might be like if this goes on forever. I feel like a shattered cup.I wonder how many times I can pick up the broken pieces of my psyche and glue them back together before it will be too damaged to put back together again. I grieve for a "normal" future with this man that I love. We will never be able to have a conventional relationship. I wonder if I will always feel like I am living with "a ticking time bomb." Anyway today....I am trying to pick myself up and dust myself off and its getting harder everytime this happens. I told him its just as well there is a side of him which is so beautiful......the monster is gone and my "sweetie" is back.
A song by U2: With or Without you
"See the stone set in your eyes, see the thorn twist in your side..
I wait for you..
Slight of hand and twist of fate, on a bed of nails he makes me wait
And I wait, without you.
With or Without you
With or Without you
I can't live.........with or without you.
