The episode is over. It was awful. He is over it and we have talked about it and reflected on it. He has said that if I see that happening again, I am to leave immediately and I am to turn my phone off for 2 days. He has said "sorry" and that I did nothing wrong, for the first time since I met him. He said its like there's a hurricane in his head. I saw this episode evolving over a two month period. I very gently said that I was seeing signs of him becoming unwell. He went to the doctor. It still progressed in the usual way. It was unstoppable. I can predict it down to the phase of explosion. It's horrible bracing yourself for what you know is going to come and being totally powerless to stop it. He turns into someone I don't know. He said lights flash in his head and he has no realisation he is sick only that everyone( me) else is to blame for everything.
This time for the first time he seems to have come out of it quickly. That is something positive. The usual pattern is that he ends to relationship and disappears for between 3 weeks and 3 months.
He says the most awful things. I am not sick and even though I know he is, I can't help feeling as though I have been run over by an express train. I can't help feeling emotionally exhausted and I can't help worrying what the future might be like if this goes on forever. I feel like a shattered cup.I wonder how many times I can pick up the broken pieces of my psyche and glue them back together before it will be too damaged to put back together again. I grieve for a "normal" future with this man that I love. We will never be able to have a conventional relationship. I wonder if I will always feel like I am living with "a ticking time bomb." Anyway today....I am trying to pick myself up and dust myself off and its getting harder everytime this happens. I told him its just as well there is a side of him which is so beautiful......the monster is gone and my "sweetie" is back.
A song by U2: With or Without you
"See the stone set in your eyes, see the thorn twist in your side..
I wait for you..
Slight of hand and twist of fate, on a bed of nails he makes me wait
And I wait, without you.
With or Without you
With or Without you
I can't live.........with or without you.
Dear Rusty,
it is difficult to give advice just by reading your post. Mental illness is a mixed bag and a complex one. For example bipolar is different from schitzophrenia though there are similarities. It is important to get to the bottom of it.
If it is bipolar then I can tell you that the person is not powerless about her or his own actions. Sometime there is no correlation at all between violence and bipolar. In other words what you describe could very well be a personality characteristic that has nothing to do with the mental disorder though a violent personality can be aggravated by bipolar. All people can be violent or destructive and sometimes it is easy to blame everything on the mental condition.
It is important to get to the bottom of it. I have bipolar and I know lots of bipolar people who are not violent nor dangerous. They are dangerous to themselves in some occasions but not others.
If you experience a person who retaliates against you and who is violent it is important to establish if this violence or this "monster" that emerges is truly related to the bipolar or is just an aspect of a particular character and personality.
I do not know if what I am saying makes sense but having bipolar and being violent are two different things. People with bipolar can be violent and this can be part of their disorder. However, people with bipolar who are violent need special monitoring because this can be dangerous. Usually bipolar people are not dangerous and not violent at all. The correlation between bipolar and violence is very weak but it can exist. If it is a case that your partner has bipoolar and he is also violent he certainly needs special help and you need to be careful. It is not something that you can deal by yourself and certainly not something you should forgive time and time again because next time it could be dangerous. VIOLENCE is never OK and it is always a problem. Be careful and think that there is no place for violence in a relationship bipolar or no bipolar. This is my advice to you.
Alfredo
Hi Alfredo,
He is not violent. Its verbal abuse and no matter where I am I will leave if he does not speak to me nicely. There are several monsters which I can identify. It starts with the "F*** you" monster. This one lasts about 2 months, plays non stop golf, looks out for number one, won't do anything for anyone else. Then comes the "Expert Control" monster. This one knows everything and is an expert on everything from child rearing to solving world problems and demands that everyone listen to him because he is all knowing. Then comes the "BIF" monster....the "bully in your face" monster. This one is scary and wants to get in your face. He doesn't want to talk on the phone or email but wants to tell you well and truly what to do and where to go and prove that you are wrong and he is always right. When he knows these monsters have been around he usually wants to hide for a few weeks and months...it is a way he has learned to cope...let the dust settle and hopefully everyone will forget the monsters have been around. He is usually very kind, generous, loving, helpful . He is under one of the country's best psychiatrists and he is learning to recognised the mood changes and reign them in. Its really hard to see your loved one doing battle with the monsters and losing. However it is something which "He" must do. I cannot do it for him and I will not allow the monsters to hurt me.....even though I find it all emotionally exhausting.
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate your concern and your thoughtful reflections on my problem.
R
thank you for your reply Rusty.
I think that people do not change easily and that somewhere, bipolar or not, we are accountable for our action always. It is only when we let ourselves go that we may loose control over our actions and thoughts. This can happen to anyone even those who do not have bipolar and it is a sign of selfishness and lack of control not just bipolar. If all bipolar people were like your boyfriend we would be in serious trouble. In your description of the problem I see a person with huge personality problems which has little to do with bipolar or any other mental disorder. This is why it is unlikely that a psychiatrist could fix this unless the person wants to really change.
I think that what Eric said is right. Perhaps it is time to move on. Verbal abuse can be just as severe as physical abuse and it can certainly lead to physical abuse or violence in many cases. Not a nice way to live if it perseveres.
Alfredo