My husband has been on medication for bipolar disorder for about a year.  For 2 years before that, and occasionally even now, in an argument, he will threaten me, with things like "I wish you were dead", "why don't you just go ahead and die", and a couple of times before he went on medication he told me that he could kill me and no one would find me.  Even now, the names he calls me are awful.  I don't care anymore, so he tries to find other buttons to push.  I try not to show emotion but it's killing me inside. I try to be the better person and not do anything that is wrong.  It's really hard when he cuts down my son or my family.   

He doesn't seem to remember these events, and he can't understand why I tend to avoid him or go anywhere or plan anything with him. (he abused xanax, which made him REALLY mean,  until his GP cut him off a year ago and sent him to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed bipolar disorder and has him on Seroquil and maybe something else, I'm not sure).

I resent him for his episodes, and I resent the fact that most of the time he blames me for them. I especially resent the fact that he knew something was wrong before we got married, but he managed to keep from showing me any rages until 6 months into the marriage.  He did say 3 months before we got married, after we had a disagreement, he whispered "you shouldn't marry me, I'm a monster".  When I asked him what he meant, he said "nothing"...... Looking back, I know exactly what he meant.

I feel guilty in wanting to leave him.  He tells me he loves me with all his heart, yet the verbal and sometimes physical abuse can come on with no warning. 

I am very scared of him.  I try to block it out.  My son (his stepson)  is graduating from school and leaving home in 2 months (he says he'll never come home, ever, with his stepdad here).  That weighs on me, but my son is right.  I haven't told anyone, but a month ago, after an argument, my husband very quietly said from another room "say goodbye to your boy".  That sounds like a threat on my son's life.  It makes me want to throw up when I think of it. He will deny ever saying it. He knows my son is the most important thing in the world to me.  I pretended that I didn't hear him and he didn't repeat it.  I need to know that my son is going to be safe. He told me last year in one of his rages "I wish your son was dead".

 I feel like my husband can snap me in half in a rage and not even mean to, but it will be "too late" to fix.  He's threatened to kill me, threatened to break my leg, etc. He's pushed me against the wall with his hand on my throat, he's tripped me onto the ground, he's kicked me, slapped me, drug me by my hair, and shoved me down on the pavement.  He denies most of it most of the time.  

I'm scared to leave.  My only strategy is to play out exit strategies in my head while being nice and avoiding conflict.  About 6-9 months ago he had a terrible public rage while we were on vacation. He started calling out to strangers and calling me IT and trying to get them to agree that I was gross.  I pretty much knew then that nothing could ever fix our marriage.

I decided to just stay safe until my son graduates, by trying to keep the rages at bay.  But I do now stand up for myself and tell him I'd ready to leave any time he tells me to "get out of his house".  I've learned that being weak fuels his rage and spurs him on from verbal to physical abuse, and by standing up for myself, it actually makes him back down sooner.   But I worry that if this backfires, I could be dead.

For the next 2 months, I'm going to keep avoiding conflict.  I can't even see a psychologist.  I tried that 2 years ago and he kept hounding and harassing me about what I told her until I stopped.  I want to go again, but I'm just trying to keep the peace until my son is safely gone.

Am I in danger ?