Thanks so much for taking the time to answer my question, I'm glad the title flagged your interest. Your answer is really smart and makes total sense to me. And you are so right about never knowing anyone's motivation. :) A side note, my ex is on meds and in therapy under orders of the US Army, in which he is still enlisted until he either blows it, or retires in a year or so, after that, all bets are off.   I'm sorry that your ex is not doing well at this point, it is great that you tried to be there for him yet knew when to pass the baton to family members, I know how emotionally exhausting it is for everyone involved in such situations, nuff said.   It took me a long time to extricate myself from this relationship, but I am no longer under the love spell, and do feel like I can handle a light friendship. We'll see how it goes.   Again, thanks for your articulate thoughtful note... I wish you the best as you move on, your karma and smarts should lead you to a healthy new love relationship... and here's hoping that your friend finds his way to treatment.