I have just recently been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 but I'm having some problems getting my head around the diagnosis.

My problems first started in my late teens, after a couple of depressive episodes involving self-harm & suicide attempts, I was prescribed flouxetine. This started to help but soon sent me into agitated, paranoid state. I couldn't sit still, started hearing things & experienced a sort of weird perceptual shift where everything was sort of buzzing. Colours were brighter & 2d images looked like they were jumping out at me, pictures of people felt like they were watching me. I became violent on one occasion & had to be restrained by friends.

After some trial & error I was put on lamotrigine, which seemed to help. My psychiatrist said that I was possibly at risk from developing Bipolar but my psychologist thought it might be BPD instead. I suppose this sounded about right at 19, but it doesn't now.

At some point the drugs made me feel flat & lifeless & I stopped them myself. I thought I was doing ok, but looking back at the large amounts of alcohol & drugs I was using, maybe I wasn't. However once I met my wife & moved away I began to manage my mood a lot better & have had 6 pretty stable years, the last 2 since the birth of my son have been especially good.

Recently, several stressful events involving the death of a family member, work issues & health problems, to name a few, have all hit me at once.

I recently experienced a period of high energy & confidence, even though I was only sleeping about 4 or 5 hrs a night. I felt more creative more productive & occasionally something approaching a mild amphetamine buzz. After about 5 days I crashed & felt sluggish & withdrawn, wanting to stay in bed all day, though this felt more like just being tired all the time than depression. I experienced another high period & the crashed into a pretty dark mood, which felt more like depression, though not as bad as my first few episodes in my late teens.

Right now, things are not so bad that I can't function but my wife is worried about me & I get the feeling that co-workers have been talking about my erratic moods. I don't want things to get any worse.

My Dr, who has had some mental health experience, has diagnosed me with Bipolar 2 & suggested that I start back on meds. Part of me thinks this makes sense & would explain why I seem to experience periods of creativity & motivation followed by periods where I am much less actve & begin to doubt myself much more & why I still occasionally experience those shifts in perception, though much less severe & now I use them for my art.

But I wonder why if it is BP, it would remain dormant or at least very mild, for so many years & then suddenly flare up. I tried asking my wife if she noticed any erratic behaviour in the years she has known me but she said not until recently. However she didn't know me until after I stopped taking my meds & so it might be difficult for her to judge what is normal for me, whatever that might mean.

Also I'm scared about going back on the meds because I feel I might lose some vital part of myself as both a person & an artist & this would be a big commitment for at least a number of years if not for the rest of my life.

I'm not looking for someone to tell me what to do. I just need some advice to help me come to a descision.