Thursday, November 05, 2009 jeanh asks

Q: What can I say and do to support him where he knows and feels it - how do I reach him?

My bipolar husband of 18 years can't drive over bridges (or hardly drive at all) and is always tired and anxious. He has suffered from panic attacks in the past. He tries talking to me and says he can't, I say the wrong things and I "just don't get it". I want to be supportive, I just don't know what will help. Seems that everything I do and say is wrong and even when I am quiet and listen I am wrong and accused of not caring or paying attention. He acts like I should know what he "needs" because he is "simple" and I wish I did, (and that he really were "simple"). He says he is unhappy about everything in his life and does not know if he has ever been happy or even knows how. We have 3 children together - 2 of which are small. I don't want to be the enemy but seems I can't get out of that role. Does he need a hug and words of praise and encourgement, to be left alone, or a good talking to about him in denial about him being bipolar and getting treatment or all of the above??!! I am so frustrated! Any advice would be wonderful! Thanks!

(He was diagnosed five years ago but only took meds, anger mgmt, and saw psychologist for a year when we were split up, than not long after we got back together decided he was misdiagnosed and stopped doing all of it. He says that I am the cause of all of his stress and anxiety and it is from our relationship. That is a huge burden to carry and I don't know if that is how he really feels or from the bipolar. I have had severe depression and have ADHD but I don't view him as being responsible for the wrong things in life or inside of me, I view us as a team to support each other from what comes in life - good and bad but I seem to be the only part of that "team" that feels that way.)

Answers (1)

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John McManamy

11/ 6/09 1:26am

Hi, Jeanh. You stated the problem so well that the answer seems to suggest itself - namely: You two are part of a team, which you say your husband doesn't seem to appreciate. If one party refuses to play, then the other needs to consider bringing the game to a close.

Ordinarily, I would suggest a number of ways of reaching out (such as: "You appear to be going through a lot of stress lately. Anything I can do for you?), but I suspect that with your depression and ADD etc you already "get it" and have already exhausted your "compassionate" options.

I don't know your circumstances, so please interpret the following more as a tentative suggestion than advice: Now may be a time to go with your "selfish" options, to think of yourself, to lay down some new ground rules. When the time is right, let your husband know his behavior is bugging the hell out of you. Give him specifics, and tell him what he must do to change, and what the consequence will be if he doesn't.

If this doesn't resonate with you, please feel free to disregard this suggestion. Your situation may require you to explore more of the "compassionate" options. But there is a time and a place where the so-called "selfish" option is entirely appropriate. But you are the judge of that. Hope this helps ...