Hello, I was wondering how much attention I should give to certain negative thoughts. (I'm BPII with well-controlled symptoms through Lithium and Clonazepam for almost three years.) I had somewhat of a frustrating week this past week, and friday morning I woke up and could tell that I was falling into the early stages of a depression, which I am learning to fight when I catch it soon enough. That night I picked up a bottle of Trazodone, which was discontinued, but I wanted to take a tablet so that I wouldn't have trouble sleeping. Looking inside the bottle, I thought, "I bet if I took it all I wouldn't wake up," then, after a surprised moment of inner silence, firmly added, "until tomorrow morning." I think that is what I meant. I did take one, even though I'm not supposed to; it seems likely that it was causing mild manic periods.
Today I am cleaning, starting packing, so I decided to consolidate bottles, and I was holding the bottles of Trazodone and Clonazepam, and thought, quite specifically, "I bet if I swallowed both bottles it would kill me." I don't normally HAVE thoughts like that, no matter how casual, so it concerned me a bit, enough to come on here - I don't want to tell my parents. They were already worried about me last week just because I opened up and complained, thinking that would make me feel better (it didn't). And my parents wouldn't know what to say, anyway, but I'm hoping someone on here might.
I'm 26, and I'm living in Spain at the moment, away from my doctor and therapist, who were both very excited by my case and had a lot of confidence in me being gone for a year. I'm in the last three months of my stay here now. I thought I was fine because I have perked up some since friday, but it's true, I'm definitely dull. I could slide down easily if I let myself, but I'm still not suicidal. (I really only have been twice in my life when I was absolutely - and, it felt, irrevocably - miserable, and even then I had persisting thoughts, I didn't act on them. I've never tried to take enough pills to hurt myself.) Yet these thoughts, like I said, they are not my norm.
When I'm anxious, in the car, I'll see dozens of ways that I could die and not be hoping for one, but in the past whenever I've had even a passing thought about taking too many pills, it wasn't like the driving, it was a deliberate and serious thing. And since I get mailed my prescriptions and have about two month's worth of each one, I suspect that would kill me, if I took them and kept them down, so that's a little scary - and it's scary because I don't FEEL like I want to do that. So what is more important, my concept of my current level of health, or the thoughts that seem like they could be warning signs? I'm terribly confused, and possibly making it worse by dwelling on it... likely not explaining myself well, either, sorry for that. Thank you in advance for any responses.
So your opinion on it is, more or less, that if it has come up in the past (due to the condition), shadows of the idea will continue to cycle through our minds over the years, but that they're only dangerous when we're working up to acting on them? Well, that's an interesting idea... and I was thinking (or, hoping, anyway) that the thoughts were only problematic after a certain point, and that I would recognize that point when I was reaching it or once I'd gotten there, and get myself help before I did anything, as I have in the past. It's wonderful, though, to hear that this is in no way a unique experience and that it's not necessarily a major problem, either. I do have the desire to live, and that has not faltered for a couple of years. Thank you!!