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Monday, November 02, 2009 vsantos, Community Member, asks

Q: Why do they usually turn against their loved one first!

 My husband was diagnosed 3 months ago w Bipolar Disorder after tying to commit suicide. Has been on Depakote for 2 months and Risperdol for 1 month (he is still is very psychotic right now).

    Up until now we had 12 beautiful, loving years of marriage (and we have 2 year old). And all of a sudden The World comes Crashing down on me!

   What puzzles me is that all his anger and frustration s are directed to me. He says he wasted 12 years of his life with me, he has all these weird ideas of things that I have done to me. And what makes me confused is that he can be completely Nice to everyone else!   

    He told me he has separated from me and he decided to move out of the house 4 weeks ago.

    thank God a have a wonderful family and a competent psychologist to keep me above water, but it's very difficult at times to understand/ believe that that Wonderful, funny , loving man has disappeared and now all I can see is this 'monster' in front of me who hates me!

     And I did question with his Psychiatrist why the meds. are taking so long to work (specially because he still shows psychotic symptoms...) 

     Anyone, any advice, do you or a loved one is going through something similar...WHY IS IT THAT THEY TENDT TO 'HURT' THE PERSON THEY LOVE THE MOST!

 

    Thanks Vanessa

 

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Answers (4)
John McManamy, Health Guide
11/ 6/09 2:22am

Hi, Vanessa. This is a terrible time for you. Some guidelines: When a person is experiencing psychosis (or for that matter just about all severe mental illness states) rationality is a nonstarter. Thoughts are disordered, feelings rage out of control. In this state, his behavior toward you is going to be completely out of character and without rhyme or reason. If he were half-way rational, he would be treating you with a lot more consideration.

 

So - this is a stage of his illness talking and not him. You need to believe that.

 

As for the drugs having no effect on his psychosis for at least a month - this is highly unusual. At the very least, a meds overkill can induce a state of sedated zombie-hood fairly quickly. Then, of course, a lot more time and effort is required to calibrate the right dose.

 

One possibility is that your husband may not be taking his meds and lying about it. Patients have been known to lie, which is an understatement. But I would be very careful about confronting him on this. The last thing you want to do is anger an individual who is already behaving in an irrational and abusive fashion. It would be best to consult his doctor on this - please do not hesitate to pick up the phone.

 

Again, I know this is a terrible time for you. Please do what you can to look after yourself, and don't be afraid to reach out to friends and family. Hope this helps -

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alxv, Community Member
11/ 4/09 4:29am

I have bipolar disorder and I take an antipsychotic med too but I do all I can to separate my illness from those I really love. Sometimes we feel helpless and overwhelmed with our brutal explosion of mixed emotions and psychotic thoughts and it's not easy to avoid hurting those who are closest to us specially those who know about our disorder.

 

I think he did the right thing by leaving or I'm sure he would hurt you in many ways if he stayed. Having an unbalanced brain and so much emotional pain makes us go off because we we can't take it for too long it takes titanic strength and most of the times we fall and break inside. I'm sure he is hurting and probably confused but he is protecting you and your sun from himself and his ability to coupe with everything, one way or another.

 

It's quite possible that he needs a bigger dose of the antipsychotic but that's for his pdoc to say how much higher.

I'm truly sorry you are in this situation as your baby too. But speaking for myself, I had to leave my relationship of 5 years before we moved in together because I had no strength left to coupe with so much, never the less was I ever hurtful to him and he is still my best and only friend.

 

Best of luck to you and your sun.

 

Alex

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vsantos, Community Member
11/ 4/09 8:55am

Thank you so much for such an insight of this 'other dark side' of Bipolar.

  I know he is suffering, though it doesn't seem like. I feel so much for him since we had 12 wonderful years together.

  And his psychiatrist is trying to convince him that he is NOT quite there yet with the Antipsychotic dosage (but for now he is refusing).

   But my question for you is (if you don't mind sharing), even with the 'right' treatment, right dose of meds----do you still go through phases or days/or weeks where you have the tendency of hurting those close to you?

   When he came out of the Psychiatric unit his Prognosis was so good (due to his age, life style , he is extremely healthy and athletic, and the fact that he lived all his 43 years with very 'minor' symptoms of the illness --to the point I never really question anything. )

    The doctors said he had a good chance to go back to his 'base line' and live a productive life.

     I'm going through this for 3 months and part of me still doesn't want to let go of the Hope that at some point my REAL husband will come back, that the Wonderful , Loving father will be back......Am I being too optimistic?

 

    Thank you so much for sharing such delicate and personal information with me. But you have NO idea how much it helps me cope with the Pain that I'm feeling right Now.

    I feel my Husband Died and I never had a chance to say goodbye!

 

    Take good care of yourself.

    Vanessa

Reply
alxv, Community Member
11/ 5/09 3:32am

Hi Vanessa.

 

From what I've seen and from my treatment, the meds have to be readjust from time to time because the body does adapt and at some point it may start losing it's effect. But it's doable; people can live a productive life and be in balance as they should if they cooperate with their Pdoc.

What worries me is that we deal with so much internally that we end up not having the energy nor the space in our mind for what is expected of us on the outside; Family, friends, work...

 

I wish I could help you more and even have a magic wand to bring him back to you and to your baby but... The other thing that you have to wait and see is if he still wants or can go back to you. It is a very hard process to get back on his feet and start a normal life with the proper treatment, you really have to be patient and take care of yourself. Don't put any pressure on him to come back because that will push him away, he doesn't need any sort of stress or pressure, it's a big no no to us all.

 

 He will need time to find his space in your relationship whatever it may be because you have a child to take care of but he is what he is now, not the husband you had for all those years I suggest you look and this version of himself instead of asking him to go back and be the one you had fall in love with, or it would be like denying what he is going through.

 

Be gentle and caring to him he needs a friend, someone he can come to for emotional help, in resume something light. Maybe you could have some therapy alone and get more help in how to deal with him but preserving yourself.

My dear Vanessa, I do have a great respect for those who have to deal with our illness and still don't give up on us because it's the hardest thing to do and it's very complex to explain what we are going through and what we need, when sometimes we don't even know how to explain it.

 

Take care Vanessa. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here for you this is the best site ever to get support and it's full of beautiful and caring people. You are not alone.

I pray you both find the best way to get your lives back together and be as happy or even more as you used to be.

 

Best of luck.

 

Alex

 

Reply
alxv, Community Member
11/ 5/09 3:42am

A small but very important not as an answer to one of your questions;

 

We may hurt the one’s we love but not those we have no intimate relationship with because what makes us go off with the ones we love is that a lot more is expected from us and we can’t give what we have to so that creates frustration and pressure which makes us explode and hurt with the only intention of stopping them from asking us what we have no strength left to give.

 

Alex

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stayathomewife, Community Member
12/27/09 10:27pm

I have been married to a diagnosed bipolar for 5 years. He has gradually gotten better by me never really expecting him to do much (he is on disability) He has not had any meds for the past 2 years and he basically does well if there is not much pressure. We spend most of our time alone but family coming to visit and spend the night seems too much for him to take. He likes to know what is going to happen around him and feels out of control when others are around. It is hard to live your life with someone that you cant share a lot with but just love. I have to find ways to live my life in little hours so I wont be away long. My grown children dont have me as much as they would like because I spend a lot of time just being at home with him and keeping things quiet. I would like some advice on others married to a bipolar hermit with grown children in the picture

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Brokenhearted, Community Member
2/ 3/10 4:15pm

I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with.  I know how heart breaking it must be for you!

I have a daughter (34 years old) who lives in the same small community as I do.  About 8 years ago, around the time that she started seeing a new man (and has since married) our relationship started getting strained.  We were always very close, talked almost daily and usually saw each other on a regular basis.  Since she has been with this man she has told me awful things about him (his mental abuse, drug use, cheating on her etc).  As a result I have no use for the man but I always tried to be supportive and keep my opinions to myself.

A little over a year ago my daughter called me at work crying, saying she didn't want to live anymore, she was a terrible mother, etc. (all triggered by things her husband was saying)  I immediately left work and went to her house to "help".  I stayed with her until she calmed down and had to return to work.  The next time I talked to her she was screaming at me because "someone told her" I was badmouthing her husband at work. (Not true)  Since that time she has completely shut me out of her life, won't talk to me because she "doesn't care enough about me to want to work things out" and has told my beautiful grandchildren (age 14 to age 4) that I am a liar, that she calls me all the time and I won't return her calls, that she tells me I can see them anytime I want but I don't ever want to see them, etc.  All lies!  I am so broken hearted I don't know what to do.  One day when I was driving down the road her husband actually ran me off the road, when I told my daughter she laughed.  Nothing is more important to me than my family and I used to be a huge part of my grandkids lives, now nothing! I go for months at a time without hearing from any of them.  It seems she has been successful in turning the kids against me too.  She's always been a great manipulator.

Do you think there is a possibility that my daughter might be bipolar? 

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By vsantos, Community Member— Last Modified: 08/16/13, First Published: 11/02/09