I just don't know how they can do this. Especially in a very loving and open relationship. I'm scared to death he's going to. Is it emotional? Is there a real connection there? Is it just for the sex? Tell me why..
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Q: what makes a bp person decide to be unfaithful?
Answers (3)
6/ 1/09 7:18am
My long time boyfriend has bp and there have been several times throughout our relationship that he's asked for a "break" from us. Only until recently have I considered this may be something he resorts to during an episode. When things get bad: we start fighting or he's under a lot of stress. This subject comes up. It is absolutely devastating. I've complied with it about two or three times before and it takes a huge toll on our relationship everytime. I cannot and will not do it again. I am desperate for insight.
alwaysthere,
You have asked two questions here that appear to be related. Have you considered taking Bipolar Disorder out of the equation and asking yourself if this still occurs? Like myself, you would probably say yes. Could a mood episode contribute to what you are experiencing? That answer would possibly be yes as well. It is impossible to give you a definite answer to what is behind your boyfriends behavior.
You said, "When things get bad: we start fighting or he's under a lot of stress." This is when he asks for a break. I could look at this and think he is trying to cope with the situation by removing the stressor from his environment, to take a break, get away from the stress, calm down, and decrease some of the symptoms the stress is contributing to. I am not implying that you are to sole reason behind the stress, it is most likely the interplay between you, possibly his sensitivity and inability to cope with stress and other factors are involved. In any case, his taking a break may be the best way he has learned to cope with this situation.
Why does someone do what they do? There are many aspects that could provide an answer to such a complicated question. The simplest answer is that they are getting some perceived benefit from their behavior, either in the short term or down the road. If someone is being driven by emotion, their judgment may be impaired and their decisions may be off and not lead them to any benefit and possibly to disaster.
Answering the question, what makes a person with Bipolar Disorder decide to be unfaithful is the same as answering, what makes a person decide to be unfaithful? The only other thing you must consider is the emotional aspect and the impaired judgment that may go along with it. There really is never one nice answer to this question.
You appear fed up with him leaving for his breaks and afraid he is going to cheat on you. Have the both of you done everything you can to work on this relationship? It could be time for a few sessions of couples therapy and individual therapy for your boyfriend.
6/ 1/09 4:18pm
Also, i should have considered my wording better before. His illness starts up and makes him stresses, along with how, when he is going downhill, he tends to stress over little things. THIS is the main reason of our fighting. HE and i just both get put on such edge. I try helping and supporting him, and i'm confident that i do it well. Maybe im being too complimenting, but it just seems like when he asks for these breaks he ends up shoving off the thing that keeps him going.
6/ 1/09 6:37pm
Think of stress like anger, sometimes your mood is such that you are more easily set off and sometimes there are a series of situations that build to the point you can' take it anymore. Mood can make on more susceptible to stress and stress can build. "Downhill" he may be dealing with worry and feeling overwhelmed that resuts in stress and depression.
You can support him and encourage him, but you can not address the thought patterns that are related to his moods. This is something for him to address and learn in therapy. Once he has learned to identify irrational thoughts and challenge them, he will do much better.
6/ 1/09 6:18pm
alwaysthere,
First you must stop thinking that some problems are being caused by the illness alone. There may be and most likely are other things that contribute to the problems besides Bipolar Disorder.
Do not bring up his disorder and focus on how it affects your relationship. Again, there are other issues that contribute to your problems. Start by trying to identify how you contribute to the problems. Try to open the discussion by admitting your role and what you need to work on. Then, as with most relationship issues, there are things both parties can work on for improvement. Ask him, what he thinks he might be able to work on? Let him identify them, do not tell him what is wrong with him or what itis that he is doing wrong, both of these have a accusatory tone and he will most likely get defensive.
Try talking to him, not to his disorder, do not blame and let him identify his issues. This may open up a dialogue where both of you are on a common footing. It may take him some time to think about areas he may improve upon and you may have to give him time and continue the discussion at a later time. If this does not work and you still encounter difficulties getting a dialogue started. Then you may consider a few therapy sessions to break the ice.
6/ 2/09 5:03pm
Yhis all makes very good sense, and I will definitly watch out for playing the blame game on his condition and not taking an accusatory tone. I think that reading all of the posts about bp partners being unfaithful has just been shaking me. It seems too common.
6/ 2/09 2:28pm
I have been with my BF for 3 months who has BP disorder. We agreed that our relationship will be exclusive which means that we will not be having physical contacts with other people outside our relationship, it also includes cutting ties with exes. It was very clear and things are going well. the mood swings came in but I was prepared for it, sometimes he cries like a baby sometimes he is shaking and agitated, he is responsible enough to see his docs for therapy and regulating his meds. I went home to the Philippines for a vacation for 3 weeks in May. He was calling me there and texting me, there was a time that he had texting me that he is not well and he had to see his docs .He was experiencing hypomnia. when i got backi asked him if he has been faithful because i flet that his text messages seemd to be distant and abrupt, I felt something strange. He is asking for forgiveness, he was honest but he admitted he had slept with 2 different people one he met at the gym and the othe from a bar. And it happened a few times. He said that he was manic and cannot control it. And he told me he is still contacting his ex.I broke up with him straight away because if feel betrayed but shoul I ahve been more considerate because of his mental condition? is it being bipolar that drove him to cheat? and then comes the mean text messages like I realy love my ex and I want to spend the rest of my life with my ex, the last time we slept didnt mean anything and it will never happen again, he asked me not to contact him again.is this BP talking or him??
6/ 3/09 2:38am
It usually happens in the manic phase. It is caused by the Bipolar condition itself. If the person gets high enough, they are very vulnerable to many things, and I think they are not fully culpable for their actions. Sort of on the order of "not guilty by reason of insanity".
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By alwaysthere— Last Modified: 10/26/11, First Published: 06/01/09
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knowthyself,
I really appreciate your comment. I'm still trying to differentiate our personal problems from those caused by bp. Just how much of an effect that they have over our issues. I guess the real problem is that when I try talking to him about these sorts of things, or anything really, he gets defensive and it is incredibly difficult to get him to respond in a productive way.
I have been thinking really hard aboout how to bring up his disorder and how it affects us. We have just never gone there, he's already a quiet person. Any tips on how to bring this up without making him feel like Im blaming him or spying?