Sunday, September 28, 2008 ataloss asks

Q: BP fiance just left and I'm totally confused

Hello. I was engaged to a man who is a recovered alcohol and cocaine addict who also is BP. He was diagnosed 2 years ago as he was getting sober. We started dating 9 months ago and were supposed to get married in 2 weeks!

We have of course had our fair share of arguments and problems but said we were committed to working on them. On Wed he was telling me how much he loved me, how he couldn't wait to get married, etc. He was always telling me that! We were both in this, so I thought. I came home from work Friday night to find all of his stuff moved out. I called him and he told me really horrible things: I need to work on myself, I never listen to him, if he stays with me he's going to start using again, he doesn't even love me, in fact he's trying not to hate me! I was blown away! This is the man who was constantly talking about how amazing I was and how happy he was that he finally found someone like me.

I guess my question is: Could this behavior be related to his BP? I don't know. It just seems so irrational and sudden (and mean) that I guess I'm looking for some sort of an answer. I am devestated. Please tell me your thoughts! Thank you.

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Answers (2)

John McManamy, Health Guide

9/29/08 3:42pm

Hi, Ataloss. I can only begin to imagine how terrible you must feel, at what should have been the happiest moment in your life.

Your fiance's behavior could very well be bipolar-related, and my guess is this is probably what you are hoping for. Fix the bipolar problem and you fix the relationship problem, could how your reasoning is going.

Another possibility:

Even normal people can experience cold feet just prior to making a major commitment, and often right after, as well. The full truth suddenly dawns - you're not the woman he wants to be with the rest of his life. He panics. He leaves. He may well return to his senses, but maybe it was a sensible decision. Maybe it wasn't. He owes you a full explanation in either case.

Another possibility:

He may have started using again, or done something that severely undermines the relationship. He may feel horrible about it. He couldn't face you, and he left.

Naturally, it makes sense to do what you can to understand what is going on and try to save the relationship. But also accept the possibility that it may truly be over. If it ends, you are going to be miserable for some time to come, so please do what you need to do to look after yourself. Try not to blame him or you. The failure - if it turns out that way - was in the relationship, not in either one of you.

Hope this helps -

ahimsa

9/28/08 3:59pm

Yes! It is most likely the illness and not a rational thought process going on here. Don't give up on him just yet. It sounds like he is on a bad down swing. I have bipolar disorder and I can relate to his feelings, but I'm pretty concerned. He sounds like he might be getting a little out of control right now, and he might need to be checked in somewhere, honestly. Even positive things can add to stress levels and there are a lot of emotions and different kinds of stress are pretty intense when you're getting married, and the wedding date being so close and all that entails may have triggered a depressive eposide. Get help from his family, if you can! Worst comes to worst, wait it out for a while because he will most likely return soon feeling like an ass hole and wondering what the hell he was thinking.

Q: BP fiance just left and I'm totally confused

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