For me, having babies was probably the MOST challenging times of my eccentric life, and there have been many ups and downs caused by all sorts of things. But to me having children is the most precious and Ii never let how I feel stand in the way of achieving motherhood..that said it was a dangerous time for me, I am currently carrying my third baby and struggling yet again, I have two wonderful girls who stand by me all that I am and unconditionally, and have had two early losses over the years which also affected me deeply. When pregnant things, any thing, affects me even more deeply than 'usual' so my moods blaze harder, flash quicker, lead to more out of control ideations and I need more support than ever, but not having any support, whether because people fear me, or whether I withdraw from them in a defensive way, means I am alone in the battles that overcome/overwhelm me, without meds to give any sense of control. All that remains each moment of this, is to look at one of my children and ask for their help, or my husband who struggles greatly to keep a hold of me and the pregnancy throughout, all the time searching for the joy he once saw in me to return to him, for me to feel 'safe' enough and let go or trust in our love enough to do something about the thoughts words I use to 'escape' myself or protect myself . Even the drs veer away from me because I shut down when they present themselves, I am so used to surviving myself, on my own wit, that I do not know how to reach out and help myself with them around, especially as I still find it hard to admit how bad I can feel and not know why- being extra hormonal only adds to this burden, and now we all wait for it to lift.. I tried to do something positive by returning to a new triclylic pill mertazapine in a bid to end this severely depressed cycle I am currently in which threatens my marriage, my kids having a mother, and this pregnancy- it is them who pull me thru and keep me going till I level out, till I work out another way to resolve what's going on in me, to find some peace in my own self in order to sustain this pregnancy, like I did before, to sustain my marriage and not lose my husband at the end of every day no matter the strain bipolarity and it's history puts us under. But the first pill left me in a poorly way suddenly as I took it in the day, and while out got rushed to the dr! Se fumed I must not have this medication, it is not safe, but I read the baby sites and saw other mums like me took it and felt so much better for it, and I took reassurance from them, the real people out there carrying a child who are also in turmoil, as an answer to my problem- I am not in a position where I can stay off treatment any longer, I have to take this to get thru, and be there at the birth and following to take care of me, my new baby and my family, I cannot risk further deterioration at this point, after 4 months of trying to, it hasn't worked, my strength just isn't as good as it ever was. So I figure i should take it at night, half the dose(7.5mg), as it makes you so tired, that I need the ranitidine, for the severe reflux/heartburn that recurs, as it made me hungry again..and I should sleep on my left side, to allow the air to flow better to my baby, to give him or her the best chance of growth and survival as it partakes in the drug I need to get on top again. He is kinda small for gestation, so seems the drug I was on up to 5 weeks, did affect him, moreover the stress I have been under since, has no doubt been hard on him!! To end that and release happiness to my belly and some life in my mind that is positive is all I can wish for now to ensure a happy outcome.  I have to go back to the psych as an emergency to get this script agreed n written up, they said no two weeks ago, but I will insist it is best for us. At half the dose I should start to breathe again and so breathe life into the new baby, rather than cancel everything out because of the loss of bipolar control, I should start to recover...I was not diagnosed till a year after my second child, looking back my pregnancies were a dangerous time, and my husbands love literally stopped me from doing stupid things that would have endangered me and the baby, and put up with the downs that kept coming, by loving me thru it all, it defo makes me more volatile. All this said I would not have fought to get help, to live, to stay alive, to look for life to 'be' if it wasn't for my kids, they are my everything..but you will need support, a strong advocate by your side for times when you flip. Being able to remain optimistic is great, if you can, but after the first trimester, if you feel bad, I would ratehr get treatment to make sure we got thru than not have treatment and go thru preg with such low or wild feelings, the impact on the baby is worse or detrimental than continuing on a low dose of a med that is deemed ok by other mums, as the risk is low to feotus with some meds. If you can do it with no tablets, that is excellent, but make sure you have soemone to be there and help you when you feel frustrated, 'ill' have ideations or whatever that could put you or baby at risk, because validating those doubts by following thru an action, is not something you want to happen, someone needs to be there to protect you so you can reach success, it is so worth it when you get to be a parent, then you face the next challenges to grown with them thru their life, as they see yours all the time, it does them justice to see you as happy and strong as possible. Feeling alone at any point when memories of what 'should' be or what is 'normal' bother you can lead you into shark waters, it is possible to create your own 'normality' at this special and beautiful time, just make sure you are able to enjoy these times by relaxing when you can with good people who know how to buy you up or calm you if you are manic, or regret at what it could have been like, will be another stressor to think about down the line! Make the most of each good moment, and cherish them..Good luck hope you get to meet the baby of your dreams real soon :) xx

Bluenoia

5/13/11 11:07pm

bean,

ty so much for your time! to be honest with you i lost all hope in this site for support. i was at the end of a cycle and dealing with new therapists and such telling me i'm misdiagnosed on bipolar, anxiety, depressin, adhd...etc. of course, with my general anxiety disorder, i took it to heart and got butthurt. then with my cycle, i flipped out bouncing from one emo to the next. i was searching for support and researching my diagnoses online and found this site. i guess i expected ppl to read my mind here because i wasn't clear on what i had hope to find or needed. .when i didn't recieve any responses, i took it personal and i jumped the gun & retreated. by reading your reply i saw that we have more in common than bipolar. i really appreciate your disclosure and sense of opening up to me, being a total stranger. i tend to be very upfront myself and almost everyone i know thinks it's rather strange. but i just feel its part of my nature. i really appreciate you doing the same. im recently remarried and my boys from my first marriage have grown and are ready to lead their own lives. (19 & 17 yr olds) my husband has never had any children or previous marriages. he has been in & out of prison most of his life and finally grew out of his reckless behavior and self destruction. i believe he & i have just been lacking the unconditional love and regard that we are now giving eachother and i feel things happen for a reason. i too have been in some trouble while self medicating.  my boys have had to take on  the parenting and caregiving role throughout their lives according to my cycles and bouts of comorbid mental health disorders, as i have been a single parent almost all of their lives with no family/friend moral support. i feel they need a break from me and that our new paths in life allows me to relieve my stressors of trying to be an adequate mom which according to my own standards is impossible with my mental health issues. i never believed i would find the man that would understand me, love me unconditionally and continuously or further more have patience and empathy for me. i never believed i would have the honor of remarrying even if i found a man close to having those qualities. my husband has made many mistakes in his life, as have i, but he is an amazing person who also believes i am. i want to some day give him the blessing of being a father. having a child is more than beautiful and i was worried that i wouldn't be able to give him a child because of my mental health disorders. without medication i am very lethal to myself. my children have carried me through all these years with/without any treatment. even when i was subconsciously self medicating...i can only thank them for my being alive today.i will be moving to mexico when my husband gets out of prison in august. it feels so good to know that i have someone to take over the caregiving & loving role now that my boys are ready to leave the nest. moral support is crucial for those of us who have this daily struggle. i'm sure my husband will be more than happy to put up with me while im pregnant & off medications. i just worry sometimes that i will hurt him emotionally/mentally during my cycles. but he assures me that it will be ok. he knows that when im being down right nasty that it isnt "me". i really hope you & your husband are able to continue to push through your struggles and i have faith that if he has stuck by you all this time...that he is there to stay. it can be taxing and burdensome on our loved ones. but those who love us unconditionally just can't help themselves but to still love us even when we're not ourselves. i imagine having another child given the fact that my mental state has deteriorated over the years...will be tough but i will take your advice and faith i have in your experiences that some good will come out of it too. thank you so much for your feedback. god bless!

bluenoia