help.... please...

Hi, Rubber Duckie. I hear you. Parents excel at pushing the buttons of their kids, even when they're adults (and to be fair, it works the other way, too). You need to establish boundaries, but there are no easy answers for doing this in a diplomatic fashion. We tend to lash out when we get pissed off (I plead guilty to this, as well).

So you might want to wait for a time when everyone is calm and is receptive to constructive criticism. But you probably also need to validate where your mom is coming from, first. So calmly but assertively: "I appreciate that I can drive you crazy at times, but talking to me like a child doesn't help the situation. It only makes it worse. It makes me angry, in fact, and when I am angry you can forget about getting through to me."

Wait for an acknowledgment, then something along the lines of:

"So I would suggest something more appropriate when you address me from now on."

This is your mom's cue to say something like: "Would it help if I simply told you to [fill in the blanks]?"

If your mom misses her cue, go back and start over. Keep trying. Once she hits her cue, you've broken through.

Of course, the dynamics of family relationships are way more complex, and what I suggested only addresses a tiny part of that dynamic (and may not even apply to you). But hopefully, you have something to work with. Good luck ...